Breaking the Surface: A Search for my Memories
by Ubuntuja
Summary: Jude doesn't work at GMajor, and doesn't know either Jamie or Tommy, but due to some strange circumstances, becomes very involved in both of their lives and with GMajor. There is a bit more of a summary and explanation before the first chapter.
1. Chapter 1

_Jude doesn't work at G-Major, and doesn't know either Jamie or Tommy, but due to some strange circumstances, becomes very involved in both of their lives and with G-Major. Jamie and Tommy are best friends and even live in the same building. Jude is not only a stranger to them, but a stranger to herself. The story is basically being told in the narrative by Jude, explaining the past (for the most part). It is actually a book that she has written, published and sent to Jamie and Tommy. Towards the end, we join them in the present for the conclusion of the story._

Chapter 1

Jamie comes first. Jamie is first because he is the one who found me. Jamie is first because he was there for me when no one else was at the time. He saved my life that night – both literally and figuratively (although neither of us knew that at the time). I don't think Jamie could dispute he saved my life that night, but knowing him he would say that the doctors and nurses saved me, not him. But he is the one who found me. I'll bet that he still hasn't realized that he saved my life in a figurative way too, he doesn't think like that. He is too humble and just too darn nice. Don't get me wrong, I played a part in saving my life too. I could have given up, I could have gone back to the person I was before this all started, but I didn't. Jamie comes first because he was the first person I could remember ever being nice to me for no reason at all, and for caring so much about a stranger. For a long time, Jamie was the first person I could remember, period.

Tom comes next. Tom will read this and ask, "Why the hell am I even in this, let alone second?!?" That is a mighty fine question, Tom. Tom is part of this, even if he doesn't (and didn't) want to be – he is a bigger part of it then he thinks. Tom is Jamie' s best friend and co-worker and I think that's why he was initially introduced to this whole mess. Tom didn't (probably still doesn't) like me, he didn't trust me but he was there because Jamie was. Tom challenged me, a lot. Tom forced me to look at things a different way and to evaluate every decision I made very carefully. Without knowing it, he made me a better person and along the way I fell in love with him. He doesn't know that though…but, well, I guess he does now.

Alright, I am next. What do you need to know about me before I get into this? My name is Hope and I was 20 years old when all of this started. I ramble, and I can be very cowardly and opinionated. I feel deeply – whether it is love or disgust or anything else. I have crazy, unmanageable hair that I pay people a great deal of money to keep looking nice. Some people say I am pretty and some say ugly. I like to think I am average looking – inside I used to be very ugly. I drink socially. Sometimes I am _very_ social.

I can't tell you a lot detail about the very beginning, because I only remember snippets. I have pieced together a fair bit from what Jamie and Tom have told me and of course the hospital staff – but that's about it.

It was late, very late…or very early depending on how you look at it. Jamie had been working late that night, lucky for me! He was leaving the parking garage of his work and pulling out into the alley on his way home. While he was turning onto the street his beams picked up the image of a disheveled, bloody mess which he took to be a street person (is that what they are called now a days?). Unfortunately, this was not a rare sight in this city.

Fortunately for me, Jamie is a careful observer and has a very keen eye. He noticed something slightly off about this disaster of a person – he noticed that she (at least he thought it was a she judging from the long hair and the one high heel on) was wearing what had once been a very nice, very expensive suit and skirt. She was wearing one fancy high heel and something sparkled around her neck. He pulled his car over under the pretense of answering his phone (no, it wasn't ringing) to assuage his curiosity and noticed that this person was bleeding. This person was actively bleeding from the head or neck area and it didn't look good. She was dirty and swollen and bruised – and bleeding. You add blood to that mix and it never looks good, it looks down right nasty and gross.

Regardless of this person's position on society's ladder, regardless his or her gender, background or profession, when Jamie saw the mess of a person collapse he knew he was going to help. Right around the time of the collapse, Tom was pulling out of the lot as well. Tom, being naturally nosy and intrusive, stopped too. Okay, that was kind of mean. Let's say he was concerned with the scene he saw and wanted to make sure that not only was the bloody person okay, but that his best bud wasn't going to be jumped by the bloody person's partners in crime lying in wait just beyond the shadows or something. Yeah, let's say that.


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter 2

Jamie and Tom stopped their cars and cautiously approached the ghoulish figure. Right about that time, it collapsed into a bloody, scruffy mess and Jamie called 911. The ambulance came and loaded their quarry. Jamie followed the ambulance to the hospital, partly out of concern and partly (he admitted this himself) out of curiosity. Tom left for home, confident that whatever was going on would be handled just fine by the doctors and the police.

Jamie waited in that hospital for quite some time until things had stabilized and he was able to find out what was going on. The mess he found and saved was me, Jude Harrison (a.k.a. Hope Andrews ) - and I was barley alive.

Jamie came back to the hospital a few weeks later when I was somewhat ready for visitors. I don't remember a thing about those weeks between being found and Jamie's' visit, but I remember meeting Jamie. I was so tired and so sore, and so sick of scrubs and needles and tolerantly polite hospital staff. I was tired of explaining to cops and psychiatrists that I didn't know, I didn't remember.

It was such a joy to see a new face.

I couldn't tell who was more nervous when Jamie first entered my room. I know I looked a sight, all bandaged and fragile. He sat down beside my bed and said, "Hi, you look like you are doing better." in this really soft and friendly way. It sounded like he was genuinely concerned. I wanted to like him right away but I was suspicious – who the hell was he?

Jamie must have been able to see the confusion on my face so he started to explain who he was and that he was the one who found me. The hospital staff had explained my injuries (I had been beaten very badly and had suffered some internal injuries as well as the surface bruises, cuts and scratches) to Jamie before he came in my room. By the time Jamie was able to visit me I was on the mend, but still so broken. Mentally and physically.

Oh yeah, I also couldn't remember a damn thing.

Jamie left after a short visit, promising to come back soon. He had told me the story of our first meeting (that was how he put it) and how concerned he was about me. I don't know why or how, but by the time Jamie left that day I trusted him. Maybe it was how gentle he was with my feelings and uncertainty, maybe it was the emo hair and kind eyes, maybe I just really needed something to hold on to.

Maybe I just really needed a friend.

Jamie proved to be a true friend over the ensuing months. He came to visit regularly and brought all kinds of goodies to entertain me. Since neither of us knew what I liked he arrived with a wide variety of books, magazines, CDs and candy. Some of his contributions were, well, interesting. I know I couldn't really tell him what I was in to and we didn't know anything more then my approximate age - but what person over the age of 10 likes bratz?!?! To be fair, he really tried and was a candy god. I got more then my fair share of sugar fixes and after all that hospital food, even a box of nerds is like a gourmet treat!

When Jamie gets something right, he really gets it right. On his third or fourth visit, Jamie brought me a portable CD player and a bunch of CDs. I was in heaven! Peter Gabriel, Kate Bush, Annie Lennox, Arcade Fire, the list goes on. It was wonderful to loose myself in the music after painful physical therapy and appointments with the psychiatrist.

While my body was mending itself slowly but surely, my mind was still a mess. After exhaustive tests and sessions, my psychiatrist (a lovely, kind man named Johannes Vogel) diagnosed me with Dissociative Fugue. Yeah, I had the same reaction the first time I heard that: "What the…?!?!?"

Dissociative Fugue is caused by psychological trauma and is usually temporary (yay!). Dr. Vogel told me it is basically, " …a type of amnesia in which the inability to recall some or all of one's past and either the loss of one's identity or the formation of a new identity occur with sudden, unexpected, purposeful travel away from home."

In other words, the fact that I could remember how to brush my hair and eat, what the capital of Turkey is (Ankara) and how to program a VCR but didn't know my name, my age or my nationality could be due to something psychological and not my injuries. Great. I am a forgetful psycho!


	3. Chapter 3

Chapter 3

Dr. Vogel and I were working on my mind, I had regular counselling sessions and he had asked me to consider hypnosis. He told me that we also needed to retrain my mind to process my memories. I had notebooks filled with dates, notes about Jamie and the doctors, pictures – anything I could think of and remember.

In the meantime, Jamie and I tried to reassemble my identity in different ways. We would sit for hours discussing the clothing I was found in (a rather nice skirt and blouse with a jacket – kind of classy business attire – and a diamond necklace). Obviously, I probably wasn't robbed or the necklace would be gone. I must have some kind of good job or money because my clothes (although ruined now) were of good quality.

We took pictures of my tattoo (a letter "J" on my ankle) and posted it on the wall so we could stare at it and guess at its meaning. Jamie thought it was subconsciously a tribute to him – in my other life I knew I was going to meet him and fall in love with him. When he said that the first time, he back-pedaled so fast when he saw my face! He quickly explained that he meant love in a brotherly way and it has since become a running joke with us.

One afternoon I was lounging in bed listening to music when the batteries on my CD player died. The horror! I frantically searched in my drawer for more, but I had used the last pair. I tried calling Jamie to put in an order but his phone was off.

As I was planning my escape from the hospital to buy (or steal I guess, since I had no money) batteries, Jamie walked in my room.

"My saviour! You're here!" I yelled with true glee when I saw him.

He smiled, "See, I told you that you were going to fall in love with me…." He stopped short of saying something else, "What's with the adoring greeting?"

"You have batteries, right? You brought me batteries because something inside you told you to bring her batteries… you do have batteries, right?"

"Why would I have batteries…." Jamie paused and looked kind of confused. "You know, battery girl, we really need to get you a temporary name. Then I could say, why would I have batteries insertnamehere and not sound like a dork."

"But Jamie, you will always sound like a dork. Now, if you didn't bring batteries then sounding like a dork will be the least of your problems!"

"I didn't bring batteries. My ability to read your mind must have been blocked by your current battery insanity. Why do you need batteries with such urgency?"

"BECAUSE I DON'T HAVE ANY!"

"Okaaay…oh!" Jamie finally noticed the CD player in my lap, "You are out of batteries. Why didn't you just say so? I don't have any batteries, but I will lend you my iPod until I can get you some more. Is that okay? Are you all better now? Can you pretend to be rational for a little bit now that you have music again?" Jamie handed me his iPod and I leaned back in the bed with a sigh. I was so happy that I was able to ignore the fact that Jamie had just said I wasn't rational and inferred that I was being unreasonable. All was forgiven.

I was ignoring Jamie and fitting the earplugs in when he interrupted me, "I brought someone else to visit you know. A friend of mine. He might still be here…unless he was scared off by your battery mania. Would you like me to leave you alone with the iPod or do you want to meet him?"

I sighed again, not the happy sigh of someone returning to music land, but the sigh of someone resigned to an afternoon with no music. New person? A friend of Jamie's? Can't be all bad, could be nice. A new face, someone else to talk to. Could be boring though, might be a jerk. Gosh, would he still want to meet me after batterygate? What if he thinks I really am loony? Meeting a new person would be nice though, better not be in the health care profession – better…

"Helloo! Earth to whoeveryouare!" Jamie was waving his hand in my face interrupting my silent dialogue.

"Sorry. I was thinking. I have a rich inner-life, you know."

"Yes, you certainly do. Geeze, if Tommy wasn't ready to bolt before, I'll bet he is now!"

"Tom is here? Why didn't you say so? I have been dying to meet your Tommy! Tom! TOMMY! Are you still out there? TOOOOMMMMM!"

Wow! In walked a magnificent specimen. Piercing blue eyes, perfectly coiffed hair, impeccable clothes, manly swagger. Wait a minute. He looked like a pompous jerk. Who uses that much mousse? I could tell by looking at his hair it was crunchy! Is this the same guy Jamie has been telling me about?

"Tommy, I would like you to meet, um, my friend. Friendwhocurrentlyhasnoname, this is Tommy, or Tom as you seem to call him. My car is in the shop and Tommy is chauffeuring me around for the time being. You know, we really do need to get you a name."

"Hi. Nice to meet you." Tommy said, clearly bored with the whole situation. Hmmm, Tom was definitely uncomfortable. He must think I am crazy. No, I'm not nuts, he must just be a jerk. Yup. He just plopped into a chair on the other side of the room without another word. Definitely a jerk.

"Okay," I addressed Jamie, "Since you are obsessed, let's brainstorm names. Maybe something will resonate for me – maybe I will remember my real name!" I was suddenly excited at the prospect.

- 2 hours later -

"Maggie?"

"No, I told you, J names. I think my tattoo has something to do with my name!"

"Umm… we are running out of J names. How about Jasmine?"

"No."

"Jebadiah?"

"JAMIE!"

"Sorry. Ummm…Tommy, any ideas?"

"Jezebel?" Great, the first word Tom had spoken since his less then enthusiastic greeting was an insult. An insult that started with a J. Nice guy. I gave him my best evil look at turned back to Jamie.

"There has to be something that will work, nothing rings a bell. Nothing feels right."

"We've been at this forever. Maybe your tattoo has nothing to do with you name. Can you think of anything you like?" I think Jamie was starting to get a little frustrated.

"I don't know, Jamie. I just don't know."

Tom leaned forward in his chair and fixed me with a very intense look. Uh oh. Now what indignity was I going to suffer at the hands of his scathing vocabulary? Staring. Just staring.

"Hope" he suddenly blurted out.

"Hope?" Jamie and I asked in unison.

"Hope. We should call you Hope." Tommy leaned back in his chair, still staring at me.


	4. Chapter 4

Chapter 4

"Hope. We should call you Hope." Tommy leaned back in his chair, still staring at me.

Jamie and I looked at each other, shocked. Hope. I rolled the name around in my mouth. Hope. I like it. It makes sense.

"I like it." Jamie stated matter-of-factly, "It suits her. Nice one Tommy."

I didn't want to like it; it came from Tom, grumpy lord squinty-frown. The jerk. I had to admit though, it did fit. Maybe Tom wasn't so bad after all. A real jerk probably wouldn't have come up with that. Maybe he is a misunderstood poser. I looked over at Tom and he was back to staring out the window like Jamie and I weren't even there. Sigh, he is a jerk. But he is Jamie's best jerk, so I will give him the benefit of the doubt.

"Hi," I stuck my hand out to Jamie, "My name is Hope. It's a pleasure to meet you." I said smiling.

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A few days after I became Hope, I was shocked by a visit from Tom. He came alone. It was disconcerting to say the least.

I watched him warily as he approached the bed. No expression on his face.

He stopped beside me and took off his sunglasses, his eyes unreadable, "Jamie is busy today. I brought you some CDs and batteries. Are you done with his iPod?"

"Hi to you too. I'm doing well thank you. Yes, it is a lovely day outside. The sunshine is nice."

"Yeah, whatever. Are you done with the iPod or not, Hope?" He started staring out that damn window again.

"Yeah, you can give it back to Jamie. Would you thank him for me?"

"Sure." And with that, Tom grabbed the iPod and walked out.

"Bye! See you later! Thanks for the visit!" I yelled after him.

What a jerk.

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For the next week or so either Jamie or Tom visited every day, but never at the same time. Jamie and I were having a great time, discussing music, fashion (well, I think I was the only one that had a great time discussing fashion) and his life. He told me all about his job at the record label, his friends and his family. I still hadn't remembered anything about myself, but I was beginning to feel more and more like Hope. I liked Hope.

Tom was another story. He was always either grumpy or distant. I don't know why he even bothered to come, but he did. Alot. He always had something to give me from Jamie and didn't stay long. I tried to talk to him; he had to be coming for a reason, right? I guess he was just doing favors for Jamie; he certainly wasn't doing any favors for me. That jerk.

One morning a hospital volunteer delivered a package to my room. Yay! A present! I opened the box up to find a lovely blue dressing gown, it looked nice and comfy and it matched my eyes. Aww, Jamie is so sweet! I tried it on right away, it fit perfectly. I walked over to the window to look out over the grounds. Well, I would have looked over the grounds if my view wasn't blocked by a roof full of pigeon poop. A nice visual representation of how Tom made me feel.

I felt a paper in the pocket of my new robe and pulled it out.

"Be ready at 1pm.  
- T.Q."

Who is T.Q.? Why do I have to be ready at 1? What do I have to be ready for? What is Jamie getting at?

Ohhh, T.Q. Tom Quincy. Little Tommy Quincy. Lord Squinty Brow has issued an order. Whoopee. Why the heck did Tom get me a robe and what is happening at 1? Having recently been given the go-ahead to take showers all by myself (really, isn't it sad when you are thrilled by the prospect of being able to clean yourself?!?!) I decided to play along and get myself cleaned up. Washed body and hair? Check. Brushed teeth? Check. Brushed hair? Check. There, that's more than good enough for Tom.

When one o'clock rolled around, so did Tom. To say the least, the guy was punctual. He had a wheelchair and a blanket and told me to get in. What? No hello?

"Why hello, Tom. Thank you very much for the robe, it's lovely. You did send it right?"

"Well, um, thank you. So, you would like me to get in the chair Tom?"

...

"What the hell, Tom?!?! You send me a robe, and a note and show up all mysterious and crap and all you can say is get in!?!?"

"Oh, bugger off. I'm not getting in that chair unless you tell me what the hell you are up to." I crossed my arms and got back into bed. What a jerk!

"Look," What?!?! He finally speaks?!?!

"Look Hope, you can't leave unless you are in the chair. It's hospital policy."

"Why would I want to leave with you?"

"I don't know. I thought some fresh air would do you good. It's been a while since you've been outside, right?"

"Do you realize Tom Quincy that you said more words to me just now then you have the entire time I have known you? What is your problem with me? I try to be nice to you, I try to talk to you and you just skulk in here with packages from Jamie, throw them on the bed and leave!" I was getting more and more heated, "Why do you even bother if I upset you this much? Wait, you are just naturally a sourpuss, aren't you? Are you just a jerk in general, or do I bring it out in you?"

"Hope, just stop. Do you want to go outside or not? I have better things to do then baby-sit you. I am doing this as a favor to Jamie, okay. He is my best friend and for some reason he really cares for you. So, shut up and get in the chair or don't. Just shut up – you talk too much."

"GET OUT OF MY ROOM YOU JACKASS!"

What a jerk.

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The next time Jamie came by to visit I pounced on him immediately, "Your friend Tommy is a jackass."

"Hi Hope, it's good to see you to!"

"Look Jamie, I know he is your best friend and all, but I just can't deal with him anymore. I understand you have a life and a job and you know I am always grateful for any time you can share with me."

"But?"

"But please stop sending Tom with stuff. I really don't mind waiting if you are busy. I think I would rather you just brought it yourself, or even dropped it off if you're too busy to stay."

"Hope, I'm not sure what you are taking about. I've never asked Tommy to bring anything to you."

"You didn't give me the robe?"

"What robe?"

"The blue one. It matches my eyes."

"What robe?"

"And ask him to take me outside, wearing the robe?"

"What robe?"

"And ask him to baby-sit me when you are busy?"

"Hope, stop. What robe?"

"This one, " I said, reaching behind me for the robe I had been using as a pillow, "it matches my eyes. It's really comfy you know."

"It's very nice, Hope, but I didn't send you the – "

"I LIKE COFFEE!"

"Umm, Hope?"

"I like coffee, Jamie! Ohmygosh! It just popped into my head. I want a coffee. Jamie, I LIKE COFFEE!"

"Do you mean you just remembered something, Hope?"

I squealed and began jumping up and down in the bed as much as one can jump whilst sitting. Jamie had a huge grin on huge face and ran over to hug me, "YOU LIKE COFFEE!"

"I LIKE COFFEE!"

"YOU REMEMBERED SOMETHING!"

"I REMEMBERED SOMETHING!"

We were hugging and I was crying. I finally remembered something; this must be the beginning of it. It will all come rushing back now, I just know it. I remembered!

"Jamie."

"Hope."

"Jamie, would you go and get me a coffee, please?


	5. Chapter 5

Chapter 5

I was trying not to get depressed. After I remembered that I liked coffee I expected the memories to come roaring back. Dr. Vogel said it was a good sign but not to expect anything. It may happen, but it may not. I hadn't seen Jamie in a few days and that just didn't help the situation. Coffee can only cure so much.

Later, much later, Jamie told me why he hadn't been by. It turns out that (after the coffee high wore off – both literally and figuratively) he started to think about Tom and the robe. He went to see Tom to try to figure things out. After the talk, which Jamie refuses to repeat to me (darn his ethics and the whole "things that are said in private stay private" thing!) he told Tom that he should explain everything to me – Jamie didn't want his two best friends at odds (Yay! I am a best friend!!). Had I known this at the time, I probably wouldn't have been so upset with Jamie, but I was beginning to wonder where he was.

I was more then a little surprised to see Tom when he came by next. I had figured after our blow up, and the whole jackass thing, that I may have seen the last of him. He seemed a little different. Not as mean and grumpy. Maybe he'd had some coffee.

"Hi Hope" Tom didn't come into the room; he just stood in the doorway like he expected to be thrown out. Well, he'd come after all. I suppose I should give him a chance to say what he came here to say (or drop off what he came to drop off).

"Hi Tom. How's it going?"

"Good. Not bad. How are you?"

"Fine, thanks. So. . . nice weather today, huh?"

"Yeah."

"Tom, I – "

"Look, Hope, I –"

"Sorry, you go first."

"No, no, you go ahead Hope."

Sigh. "Tom, I am sorry about last time. I shouldn't have called you a jackass. I am sure you were just trying to be nice. . . in your own way."

"I shouldn't have acted the way I did. I spoke with Jamie and he was right. I owe you a bit of an explanation."

"You and Jamie talked about me?"

"Yes, Hope. We have many long, drawn out conversations about you, both lamenting the fact that we were madly in love with you and at odds with each other. We shared stories of our deep admiration for you and aguish that you do not return our feelings. We cried, we shared, and we hugged. It was all very touching."

"Hrump. Now you are being sarcastic."

"Why if it isn't Captain Obvious. Nice of you to join us today."

"Oh, bite me. So you talked. What do you have to explain, Lord Squinty Brow?"

"Lord Squinty Brow?"

"Never mind. I didn't really say that. It was the coffee talking. Did you know I liked coffee. I do. I remembered that. I like it a lot."

"Hope you can be very strange sometimes."

"It's part of my charm. So spill, Squinty. Hmm, I kind of like that, it is sort of close to Quincy. Tom Squinty. Mr. Squinty. I think I'll keep that. So, yeah, what did you want to say?"

Tom ran his hands over his face and sighed. I swear he was trying to cover up a grin. I swear! "You are not making this very easy Hope. Do you still have that robe?"

"Yeah." I pulled it out from beneath my head, "I am keeping it nice and warm."

"Well put it on girl, we are finally going to take that trip outside and we'll talk. I'll go get you a wheelchair."

Tom came back in a few minutes pushing a chair. He helped me hook the I.V. bag to the pole on the chair and tucked a blanket around my legs before we set off. My suspicions were now fully aroused. He was being too nice. Fortunately, I had thought ahead – I am very crafty, you see. I cleverly concealed a plastic knife (left over from breakfast) in the pocket of my robe. Being suitably armed, I felt I was ready for anything from Tom Quincy. Except kindness.

He wheeled me out into a courtyard on the east side of Toronto General. We made our way over to a bench under a wide tree. It was sunny out, with just a few clouds and a hint of a breeze. Just enough wind to rustle the leaves above us. Tom maneuvered me beside the bench so I could sit without detaching my I.V. line.

We just sat there. I was studying my hands, trying to read my own palm while Tom looked off into the distance. What – did he bring me out here to ignore me? I thought he was going to talk…

Tom interrupted my study of what I hoped was a strong money line on my hand, "See that building over here, between the trees?"

"Yeah"

"That's Mount Siani. There are a bunch of hospitals right next to each other here on University Ave. Over there, that's Princess Margaret. A few years ago a friend of mine donated his stem cells to his sister at Princess Margaret. She had leukemia. Acute Myelogenous Leukemia – rare for women her age. A few days after the transplant they found some spots on her liver and it went downhill from there. She died a few weeks before Christmas. She was 31 and her baby was six months old."

He pointed in another direction, "Over there – Sick Kids. The Toronto Hospital for Sick Children. My little sister was diagnosed with something called Total Anolmanal Pulmonary Venous Drainage Mixed when she was 18 months old. There was a hole between the two atriums of her heart and a bunch of the veins went to the wrong places. She had four surgeries and they did everything they could. She died before her second birthday."

Tom turned and looked at me for the first time since we had come outside, his eyes were wide and I could see the pain, "Hope, I hate hospitals. I really hate hospitals." He looked down at his hands and was silent.

"I'm sorry Tom, I had no idea. I appreciate your, um, visits – but you know you don't need to come. Jamie can get whatever he needs to get to me on his own time. I don't want you to make yourself uncomfortable. It's not worth that." I was shocked that Tom had opened up to me the way he did, and saddened by what he had shared.

"I'm not just coming here as Jamie's errand boy, Hope." He paused, searching for the right words, "I don't trust you. I don't know who you are or what you are. Jamie loves you like you're his own sister. I don't want to see him hurt and I don't want to see him taken advantage of. I am not trying to hurt you or be mean to you, I am just protecting Jamie and I am not going to stop looking out for him. Ever."

_Please review. :( I am feeling unloved. Do you like it? Do you hate it? Tell me anything!_

_Groveling over. Thank you for reading._


	6. Chapter 6

Chapter 6

That night Jamie stopped by a few minutes before visiting hours ended, "Hi Hope, how are you doing?" I didn't even notice him.

I had spent the afternoon thinking about Tom, and our conversation under the tree – trying hard not to think about the news I had been given shortly after getting back to my room.

Now it was early evening and I was still thinking about Tom and I was still trying not to think about anything else.

Sure, I felt bad for the guy but why is he taking it out on me? I'm not going to hurt Jamie, I would never –

"Hope? Hi?"

Shaken out of my reverie, I finally became aware of another presence in the room, "Oh, hi Jamie. I've missed you."

"I've missed you too. Did Tommy stop by?"

"Yeah, he did. He told me about – wait! I'm not telling you! Remember, you always say that private conversations stay private! Ha!" I stuck my tongue out at him. Serves him right!

Jamie laughed (was he laughing at me?!?!?), "Right as always Hope. I'm just glad he came. Are you okay?"

"Why? Do you really think Tom can rattle ME? I am fine. Just fine thank you very much."

"You don't seem fine Hope. And no, I don't think anything can really rattle you – even Tommy. What's up, seriously?"

I sighed; this was exactly what I didn't want to happen. This is what I was trying not to think about, let alone talk about. When one doesn't want to face something, one will tend to NOT want to discuss it – even with Jamie.

"Jamie, nothing is wrong. It's called thinking – you should try it sometime."

"Ohhhh! Really? Now I know something is up. You aren't usually this insulting unless you haven't had your morning coffees. You did have your coffees this morning, right?

"Yes Jamie, I had my coffee. It was really good too – dark roast, very bold and flavorful. Robust. A nice compliment to the soggy eggs and dry toast."

"Hope!"

Sigh, "Fine Mr. Nosey Pants. I am getting better, physically. Much better."

"That's fantastic Hope, I am so happy for you!"

"No, no. It is not fantastic, not even great or cool. I am getting all better - except for my scrambled brain - and that means I will soon be fit as a fiddle. That was the Dr.'s expression, not mine."

"Fit as a fiddle may sound dorky, but it's a really good thing to be, Hope."

"Not in my world. Jamie, don't you get it? If I am fine then they aren't going to keep me here anymore. Jamie. That means I will have to leave the hospital. I don't have a place to live, I don't have a job, I don't have any money – I still don't know who the hell I am!"

Oh no, I was thinking about it. Thinking about it means tears, and frustration and fear and hopelessness and anger and all kinds of feelings that are not good. At least I had sobered Jamie up for the time being.

"Hope I'm sorry, I hadn't thought of that. The hospital can't release you if you don't have anywhere to go, can they?"

"Sure they can. Group home for the memory-challenged and fruitloop obsessed. One-way ticked to Crazyville. Jamie, they are going to send me to the looney bin. I may be a very spirited and original human being, but I am not crazy!"

"Oh shit, Hope. I had no idea! Don't worry – we will figure something out. We will solve this, I promise. Actually…I think…" Jamie paused and stared down at the floor. I could almost hear the wheels turning. Please, please, please, let him be brilliant, "I think I might have an idea. I have to talk to some people, though. Look, visiting hours are over. Let me try to flesh this out and we'll see what we can do. Don't worry Hope; I won't let them send you to the looney bin."

I couldn't help crying just then. I knew that somehow Jamie was going to figure this out. How could he not? He leaned in and gave me a hug, "I trust you Jamie, thank you."

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I spent a restless night dreaming of straight jackets and slobber covered puzzle pieces. Not the best time. I knew Jamie had a life and had to work, but I couldn't help feeling a little disappointed when he wasn't at my door first thing in the morning. My disappointment turned to fear mid afternoon when there had been no sign of him and no word. I figured he had given up on me. Fated to the life of meds and vacant stares, I wasn't worth his time anymore. Great. Now Jamie is a jerk.

I was daydreaming about prank calling Jamie's office where there was a knock on my door. Jamie? No, he wouldn't knock. Looney bin attendants, here to whisk me away? No, not this soon.

"Come in" I said with a great trepidation.

I was actually relieved to see Tom come in, of all people, "Hi Hope. I hope this isn't a bad time."

"No, not at all Tom. I am just sitting here, going even crazier. Plotting prank calls and looking for paper bags to hyperventilate into. It's a great time to visit." Oh, he looks kind of startled. Now Hope, that was a little mean. Tom's not the one who wants to put you in a home. Be nice, "Sorry. Mini-freak out. Let's start again, shall we?"

"Sure….um, Hi Hope. I hope this isn't a bad time."

"No, not all at Tom. I am always glad to visit with you. How are you doing?"

"Um, fine Hope. Look, Jamie caught me on the way out and asked me to tell you he as a plan, everything is going to be fine."

"Why didn't he just call me or why didn't you just call? You didn't have to come here and tell me that in person, you know."

"I know. Hope, I was coming here anyway. Jamie knew that and asked me to pass the message along. He is a little busy right now – trying to help _you_."

"Geeze, no need to get huffy about it. I didn't know you were coming anyway. Why did you come?"

"To talk, to finish our conversation. I didn't want to run out on you like that, but I had to go."

"It's no problem, Tom. I understand. What I don't understand is what we have left to talk about. You made it very clear that you don't like me and you don't trust me. What else is there to discuss?"

"I'm just trying to look out for Jamie, Hope. You have become a pretty big part of his life. I want to try to get to know you – to see what Jamie sees in you."

"What is there to know, Tom? My name is Hope, for now. I am somewhere between the ages of 17 and 25. I have hair, and arms, and legs, and eyes, and feelings. And you have hurt those feelings. I don't know that you deserve a chance to get to know me."

Tom sat down and looked out the window, his usual preoccupation. He started to speak without looking at me, "You missed a few things. You really like coffee; you have an unhealthy obsession with batteries. You don't seem to be preoccupied with your looks; you listen to people even when they have been assholes. You have a tattoo. You are introspective and cunning – I saw the plastic knife poke out of your pocket the other day. You make Jamie laugh and you fill holes in his life other people can't. Jamie is an amazing guy, Hope. If he loves you as much as he appears to then it means either you are a damn good con artist or a very special person. I want to be convinced of the latter. For Jamie's sake."

"Wow. That was quite a speech Squinty." I grinned, "I didn't know you were aware of my penchant for coffee."

"Hope, all of Toronto knows!" Tom laughed, "I brought you something, a peace offering."

"I like presents!"

He handed me a small rectangular box, "I know you really like your music. Thought you might enjoy this."

I opened the box, nestled inside was a 10-pack of batteries and a CD. I lifted the CD out, "Boyz Attack? I've never heard of them."

"Turn it over."

"Is that you?!?!?" I squealed, "Nice headband."

"Funny. Yeah, that's me. I was a superstar. Take a listen. You'll laugh, you'll cry. Mostly you'll laugh. Think of it as my way of saying sorry. Self-embarrassment is the kindest – and easiest – gift to give. Play nice and I might even do the dances for you one day."

"Thanks Tom, this was really nice of you."

**---BANG!---**

* * *

_Ch. 7 teasers:_

_"Did you say quest, as in I am a knight of the round table and I am going to save a damsel quest?"_

_"I suggest Montreal, the drinking age there is 18 you know?"_

_Jamie was calm. Too calm?_

_"I am not going home with this Speiderman guy, he sounds hinky."_


	7. Chapter 7

Chapter 7

**---BANG!---**

Tom and I turned to the door, startled. Some guy had just bashed the door open with a, was that a tripod? Who the heck is this?

"Whew. That was close. Hi! You must be Hope. Heya Tom."

"Hi Kwest, I was wondering if you guys would make it," Tom looked over the strangerwithacamera's shoulder, "Hey Jamie."

I looked from Tom to Jamie to strangerwithacamerea, "Did you say quest, as in I am a knight of the round table and I am going to save a damsel quest?"

Strangerwithacamera laughed, "Not quite. My name is Kwest, K-W-E-S-T. My last name is West and my first name starts with a K. It's nice to finally meet you."

"Um, nice to meet you too. Why don't people just call you by your first name? What is your first name? Why do you have a camera, Mr. K. West?"

"You're right Jamie, she is talkative. I have a camera to take your picture and my first name is a closely guarded secret. I'll never tell."

"Kendall? Keith? Karl? I give up. Why are you going to take a picture of me?"

Jamie pops in front of Kwest with a big grin, "For I.D. – we are going to create Hope's identity and get you out of here!"

"Huh?"

"I am going to get you a driver's license, health card and birth certificate. We just have to get you a last name and we are good to go. Where do you want to be from? I suggest Montreal, the drinking age there is 18 you know? No worries though, we'll make you 19 or 20 – that way you can drink anywhere in Canada." Kwest was going a mile a minute, clearly very excited about the prospect of some subterfuge. Great, now I was going to be a looney criminal who can get served. Actually, that didn't sound too bad.

"So, Hope" Jamie cut in, "We have it all figured out. One of the guys in the band I manage will turn up as your long lost cousin to claim you. It couldn't be Tom or I because we are too well know around here. His name is Vincent, but don't call him that – whatever you do. Call him Spied." He shook his head, "Don't ask.

"Jamie, are you sure this is a good idea. It all makes sense except for the Speiderman part. It is Speiderman after all." Uh oh, Tom looked concerned. What was wrong with this Speiderman guy?

"Spied will be fine. We have a simple story ready and the guys are rehearsing it with him right now. It will be fine, Tom. Now Hope – what do you want your last name to be?" Jamie was calm. Too calm?

"Wait a minute Jamie, slow down. I don't have anywhere to go – or anything to do. I am not going home with this Speiderman guy, he sounds hinky. I don't even have clothes to wear for the photo – no one wears a bathrobe in I.D. pictures, right?

"Already thought of that. I got Portia, the wardrobe genius at G-Major to put together a few outfits – can't have you wearing the same thing in each I.D. and you'll come home with me. I already have the spare room at my apartment set up for you. Ta da! Problem solved, no looney bin for Hope."

FLASH

"What the?!?!"

FLASH

"Kwest!!"

FLASH

"I can't see! What the hell?!?!?"

FLASH

"Stop it Kwest!"

FLASH

There was a scuffle and some grunts. My eyes finally cleared enough to make out Tom and Jamie lying on top of Kwest in a heap on the floor. Hmmm, if the situation weren't so funny it might be kinda kinky.

"Kwest!" Jamie was trying unsuccessfully to untangle himself from the man-limb scramble on the floor, "What the heck were you doing?"

"Nothing Jamie, just some practice shots," Kwest explained as he picked himself up off the floor, "I got some good candids! Here, let me show this one of Tommy, it's great! He's – OUF!"

Kwest was down again, Tom tackled him just as he was about to show the camera to Jamie. Fighting again so soon? This will never do. I decided that they needed a strong disciplinarian figure to straighten them out. They needed a leader, someone they could look up to. They needed me.

"Boys," I said loudly clapping my hands, "That will be quite enough thank you." I said in my best stern teacher voice, "Tom, please give the camera back to Kwest. Thank you. Jamie, would you please up pick all the clothes? Thank you. Kwest, please wipe that shit-eating grin off your face. Thank you. Now that you are all calmed down we finish discussing the plan. Hope needs some more information."

"What information do you need?" I could barely hear Jamie, Portia must have sent a lot of clothes, he was practically buried, "It's all planned we just need your last name."

"Okay, let me get this straight. Kwest is going to get me a bunch of fake I.D's; you have some spaz coming to say he is my cousin and spring me. Then, I'll live with Jamie in the spare room. Right?"

"Yes!" Three voices answered in unison.

"Fine, but what about Dr. Vogel, I still have to see him. He's my therapist for goodness sake. And what about money and - "

"I met with Dr. Vogel today, Hope." Jamie sounded almost contrite. What did he say to Dr. Vogel I wonder?

"I explained the situation as best I could – leaving out the illegal stuff. He was . . . sympathetic. Hope, he doesn't want you to go to a home for special people either. He has, with reservations, agreed to go along with this. For now. You know, he's pretty brutal – he kept me in his office for hours grilling me. He even took copies of all my I.D. and my photo. I think I have him convinced that I am doing this all in your best interest – but he was still being damn careful. As for money – we'll take care of you. When you get your I.D. you'll be able to get a Social Insurance Number and that will allow you to get a job anywhere – and Tom is great at faking a resume. We can be your references!"

"Wow. You really do seem to have it all figured out, huh? I guess it's settled then. Better than the bin anyway. . . Oh what the hell, what have I got to loose?"

"Yeah! Let's have a fashion show!" Kwest yelled, punching his arm in the air. Oh lordy, I'm not sure what to think of that Kwest…

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

An hour later, and many, many outfits later Kwest finally had his pictures. I was surprised about how vocal the guys were with the clothes. I tried on a green halter top with a sparkly star and low-rise jeans first. The top was way too big but the jeans felt good. When I came out the bathroom Kwest whistled, Jamie grinned and Tom shook his head.

Kwest: "Nice! Yowza!"

Jamie: "You look pretty Hope."

Tom: "Nope. The top is too big and the jeans don't do your butt justice."

My butt?!?!

Jamie: You don't see the butt in the pictures. Turn around Hope, let me see."

Me: "You guys are gross, I'm changing"

That was how it went, Jamie and Tom critiquing the outfits and Kwest acting like a construction worked that hadn't seen a female in 10 years. It was actually kind of nice for my ego in a slightly demeaning way. I know he meant well.

When I finally tried on an outfit they all approved of, the picture was taken. Rinse. Repeat. Thank goodness we only needed photos for the License and Health Card!

When the pictures were done, Kwest packed up, grabbed the clothes (darn, Portia needed them back!) and kissed my hand, "It was a pleasure to meet you Hope."

"It was very nice to meet you too Kwest. Thank you for helping me out."

"WAIT!" Jamie jumped in front of the door, "We still don't have a last name for Hope!"

Oh no, here we go again I thought and then inspiration struck. Ah! It was so obvious, "Jamie – what do you think about Andrews? I feel like you are my family anyway, what better name could there be?"

Jamie smiled and nodded, "Hope Andrews. Long lost sister of James Andrews. Perfect."

"It's settled then," Kwest made his way towards the door again while Jamie and I shared a moment. Just as he was about to leave, he turned back, "Hope, you do realize that now your initials will be HA?"


	8. Chapter 8

**Chapter 8**

Jamie and Tom stayed to chat for a bit, but I was getting pretty sleepy so they left soon after Kwest. Tom said goodnight first and walked slowly out the door. He must have been pretty tired too. Jamie stayed for a moment longer, gathering up the rest of the clothes and I took this time alone to thank him properly.

I was so overwhelmed, by the speed at which things had been happening and by Jamie's kindness and generosity. I tied to tell him how much it meant to me, but he just waved it off saying we were family – that's what family does. I still don't think he understands what it does to me when he says that. Family. It's like a burst of warmth and goodness that spread from my center. Man, I love me my Jamie.

With a final hug from Jamie, my day was over. Finally. What an exhausting, exhilarating and, in some ways (Kwest) disturbing day. I smiled to myself remembering when Kwest had tried to get Jamie to try on some of the clothes that were too big for me. Nuts, all of them were nuts.

"What's so funny?"

Startled, I whipped around to see who had suddenly appeared in my room, "What are you doing back? I thought you left."

"I didn't. I kind of forgot to give you something."

"I get another present? Niiice!"

"Here," a hand reached out and set a catalogue on by bed.

"What is this?"

"It's a catalogue."

"Well duh!"

"You're getting out of here soon. Things are all pretty much set up for you, but you can't go around in a robe and pyjamas for the rest of your life. You need clothes, and hair stuff and makeup and a purse or two and deodorant and other girly things, right?"

"Yeah, I guess so, but –"

"Here, use this."

A credit card?!?!

"I can't take this, it's too much."

"Haven't you ever heard the expression don't look a gift horse in the mouth? Take it. Use it. You can order by phone and get it delivered to the apartment. Please get yourself enough so you don't have to do laundry every couple of days. There is no limit – seriously. If you don't, then I will be forced to buy you things myself and I have terrible taste. You wouldn't be impressed."

"I don't know what to say."

"Say you'll do it, and say that you'll have fun doing it. Okay?"

I nodded. Unable to speak. My jaw dropped as I watched Tom leave the room.

Once I had sufficiently recovered from Tom's unexpected generosity I began to flip through the catalogue he had left me while I fingered the credit card. This was not a bargainville catalogue; there was some really nice (and pricey) stuff in there. I couldn't understand why he had done this. Well, from a practical standpoint I could – as comfy as pajamas are, one cannot spend eternity in them. It would get pretty stinky quickly.

Maybe that was it, maybe I was starting to smell and this was Tom's not so subtle hint. Maybe he felt bad for me or his ridiculous band had made him gads of money and he didn't know what else to spend it on. Maybe he was just trying to be nice…nah. He probably just doesn't want Jamie to get stuck with all of the bills.

Well, first things first. Shower (just in case I was getting a little ripe) and then, what the heck. I have his credit card; I may as well enjoy myself!

After my shower I settled down with the catalogue and one of my notebooks. I quickly lost myself in all the beautiful clothes, shoes and accessories from Aéropostal, Peach Berserk, Get Outside, Simply Chic and loads of others. This was fun!!!

I marked tones of outfits, some shoes and accessories and a few "girly things" as Tom called them. Bras and underwear – how hard is it to say that? He probably just doesn't want to picture me in my unmentionables, why not though? I don't think it makes that bad of a mental picture. I'm cute, damn it! Hmmm, maybe that's the problem! Ha! Just for that I am going to buy some of the sexiest lingerie I can find and then I will leave it all over Jamie's apartment for Tom to see! I am a genius, an absolute evil genius!

I sobered at the thought of Jamie's apartment. Was I really going to make it there? It all seemed too good to be true. What if the plan didn't work? What if the I.D.s looked too fake? What if Jamie changed him mind? What if this Spiederman guy screwed up? Jamie told me it would be best if I didn't meet Spied beforehand – not only should he not be seen at the hospital, but this way I wouldn't have to fake not knowing him. It seems simple enough, especially with Dr. Vogel helping…I wonder how long it will take for all of this to start….

A few days later it started and I was a little unprepared (but I guess that was good in a way).

Dr. Vogel came to my room one afternoon. He walked in and said (a little too loudly), "How are you today? I have something important to discuss with you." He shut the door and sat down in the chair next to my bed.

"Hope, your phony cousin arrived at the hospital this morning looking for you. Are you sure you want to go through with this?"

"He's here?!?! Is it working? What is he like?"

"He is here, with some friends of his. The Moral Support Assistance and Reconnaissance Team he has called them. He came in this morning and has met with both myself and your doctor. I spoke with him at length and he is certainly a unique boy. A little too fond of meat but very eager to get you out of here." Dr. Vogel paused and looked me in the eyes, very serious. "You are still going to stay with Mr. Andrews, correct? I am not sure I would be willing to release you to Vincent unless you were."

"Yes, I am still planning on staying with Jamie. So, Spiederman's unique, huh? This should be interesting. So, do I get to meet him soon? Do you think this is going to work?"

"Yes, I think it will. I will bring him to your room shortly. Right now, I am in here breaking the news that you have family. I am, in my kindly psychiatrist way, helping you come to terms with the fact that a stranger has arrived to lay claim to you. Someone you have apparently known all your life but do not remember. We will have to stay in here a bit to make it convincing, so I would like to continue our conversation from the last session if you don't mind."

"Sure. Um, I have been keeping up with the notebooks. I haven't forgotten anything that has happened since I came here like I said– but I still haven't remembered anything except coffee. The notebooks are getting a little tiring to be honest."

"I understand Hope; you have been doing very well with all of this. I am pleased with the progress you have made. Now, have you tried exploring your feeling more in the books like I asked? You have done amazingly well with all the facts and dates, but I think you need to start looking inward. Have you tried drawing some pictures or writing some poems? You need to know yourself in order to truly discover yourself."

"I know, I have tried but I'm not much of an artist. I wrote a bit though, and started a few poems."

"Good. Just keep working at it. It will come easier and easier as you begin to trust your feelings more. Now, are you ready to meet your cousin?"

Breathe in. Breathe out.

Breathe in. Breathe out.

Any minute now, I was going to meet Spiederman.

Inhale.

Exhale.

It was happening; it was all starting to happen!

Breathe, Hope. Breathe.

I don't know what I was expecting, but I certainly wasn't expecting what sounded like a gaggle of 12 year olds to come around the corner. Dr. Vogel ushered 3 guys into my room shortly after he left. They must have been waiting close by.

They shuffled around, all trying to get in front of each other and next to Dr. Vogel. He pulled one of them aside and introduced him as Vincent, my cousin. I tried not to laugh at the expression on Spied's face at the Dr's mention of his name.

"I will let you and Vincent get reacquainted and he can introduce you to his friends. Hope, please call me if you need me." With a significant look, and a smile, Dr. Vogel took his leave.

I stared at the three guys. Boys? Men? Hard to say. Spiederman glanced at the retreating figure of Dr. Vogel, and perhaps unaware that he was in on the whole thing almost yelled, "Hope! Cuz!" He approached the bed, arms wide, "Dude, I thought I would never find you! Oh, I am so happy to have finally found you! You have worried me so much! I am so glad to see you!"

Boy/Man #2 giggled uncomfortable and stared at my boobs. Boy/Man #3 grinned said forcibly, "You have worried him so much! He is so happy to have found you, Hope!"

Who were these kooks?!?!?

"You don't recognize me do you, dear beloved cuz? I am Spied, your favourite cousin! Don't you remember me?!?!"

I sighed, Boy/Man #2 was still staring at my boobs, "Shut the door already, then you can stop acting so weird and perv boy, my boobs are not that fascinating!"

Boy/Man #2 (whom I shall dub Perv Boy) blushed and stared at the wall, clearly embarrassed. Ha! Boy/Man #3 smacked him on the arm, "Wally! You were supposed to shut the door!"

"No I wasn't! You were!"

"No way, you were supposed to. We discussed this already!"

"Shut the damn door already!" Boy/Man #2/Perv Boy, and or I guess I should say, Wally, jumped and turned around to shut the door.

"Okay you guys, just stop. Breathe for a second." I pointed to the first guy, "You are Spied, right? You are supposed to be my cousin. Who are these other guys? Your babysitters?"

"Yeah, I'm Spied, this is Kyle and that's Wally. They are my buds. We're in a band – and we rock!"

"I am very happy for you…it must be quite a band. It's nice to meet you all, really. Thank you so much for doing this, I can't tell you how much I appreciate it."

"Hey, no problemo dude. We are always happy to help. It was fun, plus no one says no to Little Tommy Q!"

"Yeah, fun except for when Wally almost blew the whole thing!"

"I did not!"

"You did too, you sounded too rehearsed. I thought we were goners until Spied pulled out the family pictures."

"Family pictures?"

Spied nodded, and handed me a couple of photos. One showed a young boy and girl and the other showed Spied gesturing like he was going to throw what looked like a water balloon at a cowering me. What?!?!?

"I don't get it."

"Isn't it awesome? The fist picture is me and my sister – we thought it looked enough like you to pass and Kwest photoshopped the other one. He was really glad his candids came so in handy! I posed for the other half yesterday."

"The water balloon was my idea!" Piped in Wally/Perv Boy

Spied handed me my I.D.s too – they actually looked pretty good. Not that I know what to look for, but they looked real enough to me.

It turns out that Jamie and Tom had cooked up a pretty convincing story for Spied to tell. My name was Hope Andrews (thank goodness only Tom, Jamie, Kwest & Dr. Vogel knew me as Hope!) and I was originally from a small town called Baden (in Ontario). I was visiting Toronto partly as a vacation, and partly to look for a job because I had planned to move here. It turns out, my cousin Spied had been asked to water my plants and forgot. When he finally remembered, he discovered my purse lying on the floor of my apartment.

He searched, and asked my friends- but no one had heard from me. Since he knew I was planning on going to Toronto, he decided to come here and look for me since he was the only family I had.

He called hospitals asking for me, not knowing I had lost my memory. He finally went back to Baden and picked up his friends and continued the search, it never occurring him to involve the authorities. By the time they had made it to Toronto General they had begun asking about anyone who matched my description and had brought a picture of me to show around.

Not to shabby, eh?

"So," I looked from Spied, to Kyle to Wally, "What's next boys?"

Spied shrugged and reached into his bag, "I dunno. Want a sandwich?"

_Author's note: all of the labels or stores mentioned are in Toronto, but they aren't all available via catalogue (let alone one catalogue!) . . . creative license, shall we say? Oh, and for anyone who is interested - Baden is an actual town in Ontario – named after the German one, of course, and very tiny. It's about an hour and a half from Toronto._


	9. Chapter 9

**Chapter 9**

The day I met my 'cousin' turned out to be a lot of fun. Spied, Kyle and Wally stayed and visited for a while. They spent most of the time bombarding me with questions about my memory loss, goofing around, trying to outdo each other with stories from tours and school, attempting to perform some of their hits for me with air instruments (and banging on the seat of one of the chairs). It was quite a concert!

Wally kept trying not to stare at my boobs while Spied and Kyle kept plying me with sandwiches…I finally had one, and it wasn't too bad. They were a nice group of guys, a little strange, but fun. It was a nice change of pace.

I just couldn't get over the fact that so many people were willing to help me, first Jamie and then Tom and Kwest and now the entire Spiederman Mind Explosion. I felt very lucky, and very blessed. I must have done something good in my past to deserve all of this kindness!

The next few days were pretty uneventful. Jamie stopped by a few times checking on details for the big move. He wanted to make sure that I was okay with the way my room was set up, if I was going to have enough closet space and what color of bedspread I wanted. He was trying so hard to make sure I was going to feel at home at his place.

Tom came by to reclaim his credit card. I hadn't ordered anything yet, just made a list. I wanted to give Tom a chance to rescind his offer (it really was too generous) but he wouldn't hear of it. He took the catalogue and flipped through my choices, pausing a little too long at the lingerie section. Then he grabbed the phone and placed the order– he even added some additional items! When he got off the phone he gave me this wiry grin and said he approved of my taste. I tried hard not to blush, but I couldn't help remembering that I had picked some of those bras with Tom in mind. But not in that way!

The weather was still nice enough that Tom took me outside again. The prospect of fresh air was exciting but I was more then a little nervous. Our last outdoor chat didn't go so well.

"So…" Tom looked almost as uncomfortable as I felt, "It's nice out today, eh?"

"Yeah, thanks for bringing me out, Tom. It's great to be outside again." I had noted that Tom took us to the opposite side of the courtyard, as far away as possible from the area we sat last time.

. . .

I glanced uncomfortably at my feet, not sure of where this was heading. I didn't know what to say to Tom. One day he was telling me he didn't trust me and thought I was out to bamboozle his best friend and the next day he was giving me carte blanche with his credit card. Can someone say contradictions?

"I'm producing a new act at GMajor," Tom said breaking the silence, "The winner of a singing contest we have, called Instant Star. His name is Mason. He's pretty good – a little too country for my tastes but good at what he does. Nice guy too, you'd probably like him."

"I have met so many great people here already. I'd love to meet more, especially people involved with G-Major! What's it like working for a record label anyway?"

"I don't know. It's kind of all I've ever done – either in front of the mic or behind. I guess it's like any other job: great stuff and not so great stuff. Good days, bad days…I really do enjoy it, I think I am much better at producing than I was at singing."

"Oh, I don't know about that, Tom. I thought your CD was inspiring."

Tom glanced over to see if I was being serious, and grinned when he saw my face, "Inspiring, huh? I'm sure."

"No, seriously, there were some good songs. I liked 'Pick Up the Pieces' especially." I danced a little in my seat, and sang, "_I was… adrift on… an ocean all alone…"_

Tom laughed and shook his head, "You're a pretty decent singer, Hope, but you've got the moves all wrong."

"Then you'll have to show me! I seem to recall a little something about my being good and getting rewarded with some lessons." I tried to make a convincing pouty face, "Have I been good?"

"Your memory appears to be doing very well in certain areas! But no, Hope, I don't think you have been good enough, not quite yet. It's going to take a little more work to get to the dancing. It's well worth the wait, let me tell you!" Tom paused and then turned serious, "So how goes the whole memory thing, have you filled in any more of the blanks?"

I sighed, "No. I try not to think too much about it. Dr. Vogel says if I remember it is going to come in its own sweet time. I refuse to accept the possibility that I will never remember, though. I don't know…Dr. Vogel has me writing in journals – keeping track of things, re-training my brain. It is kind of tedious but I know it helps. He wants me to write about my feelings now."

"Your feelings? Does he think that will bring everything back?"

"He says it may help – looking internally, getting in touch with myself. Blah, blah, blah. Maybe something I write will trigger things that I can't remember, especially if my amnesia wasn't caused like injury like he suspects."

"He thinks it is literally all in your head? You were pretty banged up when Jamie found you."

"Did he tell you how awful I looked? It sounded like it was pretty gruesome. Unless I can remember who I am, I doubt I'll ever find out what happened to me." I sighed again; this had started out fun, but was getting hard. I don't like thinking about my screwed up head let alone talking about it.

"I saw how you looked. I was there the night Jamie found you. I left when the ambulance came – I figured they could take care of you and I honestly had no interest in going to the hospital." Tom paused, and then, as if he could read my mind, "I know it's probably hard to talk about all of this – especially with me, but everyone wants you to remember and everyone wants to do anything they can to help. Even me."

"I know – so you can prove to Jamie that I am a horrible person and I don't deserve his kindness or love or so you can judge the real me to determine if I am good enough to be Jamie's friend."

"No Hope. I know I have been rough on you, but I – we – want you to remember so we can all get to know the other Hope too, the one that existed before we met you. After everything that has happened in the last few weeks…after everything that Jamie has gone through to help you…I don't know Hope, everyone that has met you – Kwest, Spied, Kyle, Wally – everyone thinks you are great. Maybe I missed something. Maybe I didn't give you a chance when I should have. I am sorry, Hope," Tom looked down at his feet and then right into my eyes, "Will you give me a second chance? I'd like to prove that I'm not really an asshole."

"I don't know Tom. I know deep down you aren't an ass – Jamie wouldn't hang out this much with a true ass. But," I fought with myself internally, "– no, no, we can do this. Why don't we declare a truce for Jamie's sake? I can't say that this has all been one-sided. I haven't been the nicest to you either, but Jamie doesn't deserve to hear us bickering all the time. Plus, I have actually had a pretty good time with you today."

"Me too Hope. Thank you. I think we are making the right move. We may never be friends, but we can at least be decent until we get to know each other and you either fall in love with me or kill me with a plastic knife."

"Watch it Squinty – I'm still armed!"


	10. Chapter 10

**Chapter 10**

Tom and I spent the rest of the afternoon chatting amicably. He was actually a pretty nice guy when he wasn't being a jerk. I could see why Jamie is so close to him. Maybe it wouldn't be so bad, living in the same building as Tom.

I was still mulling over my visit with Tom, and the change in how he was treating me, the next morning. It was rainy and gloomy outside, and I was getting more and more apprehensive about everything and doubting Tom's motives. To top it all off, I was getting frustrated with myself, getting impatient. Why couldn't I remember?

I was biting my lower lip, trying to exorcise some of these feelings in a poem, just like Dr. Vogel had urged me, when he and my doctor entered my room. They looked so serious…pathetic fallacy at its best. Rain, doubts and serious doctors. Great.

"How are we feeling today, Ms…." I waited while he consulted his chart, "…Andrews?" Man, I hated this doctor.

"Fine, thank you. Is there something wrong?"

"On the contrary, my dear. I think we have some good news for you." Whew! I could stomach this patronizing doc if it was good news! I sure could use some! "You should be ready to be released to your cousin in a couple of days. Dr. Vogel will discuss the outpatient psychiatric care with you. The release papers will be at the nurse's station in two days. I will come by tomorrow for one last check-up."

Holy Tamales! Two days?!?!?!? Ahhhhhhh!

The doctor gave me a curt little bow and left the room. Dr. Vogel sat down and gave me a gentle smile, "Now that it's really happening, I am sure it all seems a little less real. Tell me what you are feeling."

"I – I don't know. Happy, scared, excited, overwhelmed…"

"Good, that's exactly how you should be feeling. I want you to know that I am going to be keeping very close tabs on you and I am going to make sure you are okay. You will have weekly appointments with me here at the hospital or at my office downtown and you are to call me if you ever need to talk between appointments. If you miss one appointment, I _will _involve the authorities."

"Don't worry, I won't miss anything."

"I hope not. Vincent will be here to pick you up when you are released. The hospital has been told that he has rented an apartment in town for you while you continue your treatment and they been given James contact information. James will be waiting in the car so you won't have to go anywhere with Vincent alone. Do you have any questions? Any concerns?"

"No, I don't think so. Thank you for everything Dr. Vogel. We couldn't have done this without you."

Sigh.

2 days. 48 hours. 2,880 minutes. 172,800 seconds.

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1 day. 24 hours. 1, 440 minutes. 86,400 seconds.

I was packed and ready to go.

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10 minutes. 600 seconds.

599 seconds.

Only 598 seconds until Spiederman comes to take me out of here.

597 seconds until I am a free woman.

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0 seconds. Where is Spied?

-30 seconds. He's late. What happened?

-15 minutes. –900 seconds.

Now I am starting to get worried!

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I was starting to panic when Spied waltzed into my room almost half an hour late. The nerve!

I was of half a mind to stab him with my trusty plastic knife for making me worry, but I was too glad to see him. I banished thoughts of maiming him from my mind and forced a smile, "Nice of you to join us today."

"Dude, you should have seen the traffic! Jamie almost couldn't find a spot to park! Good thing I packed a lunch!"

"Lunch?!?! It's only 9 am!"

"Sure, but you work up an appetite driving in Toronto! Are you ready to go, or what?"

Ready to go? I was sitting on my made bed, in street clothes with a bag full of notebooks and a few toiletries next to me. Jamie had brought over some clothes yesterday, but I didn't have much to pack. Ready to go? I was ready 1, 470 minutes ago!

"Yes, I'm already to go. I just have to sign the papers at the Nurse's Station. They told me an orderly would wheel me out in a wheelchair. Can you please tell them at the station that we are ready to go?"

"Wheelchair? You can walk, can't you? Your legs look pretty good to me!'

"Hospital policy, Spied. Come on, let's go…I wanna get out of here!"

"Aye aye Andrews. On my way!" Spied saluted and goose-stepped out the door. Well, at least he would keep me amused.

Once the orderly left us at the front door, Spied grabbed my bag and bowed, "Your chariot awaits. I think we parked on the 7th level. Or the 6th. Maybe it was the 8th. Let's head over to the elevator – we'll start on the 5th and work our way up."

20 minutes and countless parking garage levels later, we found Jamie – on the roof of the garage. Who forgets the roof?!?!

I took a deep breath, suddenly nervous.

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Jamie and I dropped Spied off and made our way to his apartment. He mentioned that Tom was coming over that night for a celebration dinner, a kind of welcome home. I smiled, buoyed at the thought of building on the tenuous friendship Tom and I had begun to form but a little worried at the same time.

I told Jamie a little about Tom's last visit while we were driving, and asked him what he thought about it.

"I think it is a really good sign, Hope. Tom doesn't open up easily and is very cautious with new people. He's had some hard times and I know he got burned pretty badly when he was in his band. Give him the benefit of the doubt; he can be a really great friend if he trusts you."

"That's the whole point Jamie; I don't think he trusts me at all. He has said some really rude things to me and I think he is very suspicious of me. He thinks I am trying to take advantage of you."

Jamie smiled, "You aren't taking advantage of me, Hope. You didn't ask for any of this. Tommy can be overprotective but it comes from a good place. He can't hate you all that much – he's done some pretty nice things for you too, right? I have a bunch of packages for you at home that speak to that."

"Yeah, that was….wow. I still don't get it."

"It was his way of saying he was sorry, and his way of showing you that he is trying to give you the benefit of the doubt. I know you two have had some words, and you haven't exactly hit it off….but I think you'll see his attitude is changing. Did you see his face when Kwest was taking those pictures of you?" Jamie smirked, "I think maybe Tommy is starting to develop a bit of a crush on you. It must be scaring the hell out of him!"

"Tom?!?! A crush on me?!?! Now I think you're the one that should be going to the looney bin, Jamie! Don't be ridiculous – that's the last thing Tom Quincy feels for me."

Jamie simply laughed, but he was mistaken, Tom definitely did not like me that way – he could barely tolerate my presence most of the time.

Still, the thought made me smile a little. Sure, Tom got my blood boiling and he was blunt like a razor is sharp…but I had seen glimpses of an actual person deep inside him and he sure looked damn good in his jeans…STOP IT HOPE! Maybe you are crazy after all. Tom is not cute or cuddly, Tom is mean and has crunchy hair – this act of his is all a ploy to trip me up and prove I am no good for Jamie.

I can't believe I was actually looking forward to seeing him at dinner tonight. Jamie is delusional and Tom is a jerk. I hope the food is good, at least.

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That afternoon I got settled in my new room and unpacked all of the new clothes Tom had bought me. Jamie had set my room up very nicely; it was simple and functional, but homey. I felt like I belonged there.

Meanwhile Jamie busied himself in the kitchen preparing our supper. He barred me from entering and made me stand in the living room with the door shut if I wanted to talk to him. There were a lot of interesting sounds and smells emanating from that kitchen and I was beginning to look forward to the meal despite myself.

At 6 p.m. precisely there was a knock on the door. I heard a clatter from the kitchen and a muffled curse, "Hope, that's Tommy – could you please let him in?"

I walked to the door and took a deep breath, not sure what to expect. There was Tom, with a huge covered platter (something smelled good) and two bottles of wine.

"Hi Hope, welcome home!"

"Thanks Tom, can I help you with anything?"

"Nope. Relax, we have it under control. You could open the door a little wider, though, so I can get in." Tom gave me a quick smile and brushed past me, headed straight to the kitchen. I could hear some animated conversation and crept closer to see if I could accidentally overhear.

With my ear pressed up against the door I could almost make out what the two of them were talking about, but it was still too muffled, they needed to speak louder! I thought about pushing the door open a crack but I didn't want to push my luck. I had straightened up and was examining the hinges, looking for weaknesses (hey, a door could fall off its hinges, right?) when something solid smacked me on the side of my head. Oh crap, I had been found out.

There stood Tom; not at all sorry he had just hit me with the door, "Alright Miss Nosy, come sit down – I will pour you a glass of wine. Do you like wine?"

"I don't really know. It's alcoholic, right? I'll give it a shot." I said with a huge grin.

Tom smiled and led me over to the couch, "Jamie will be out in a minute and supper should be on the table in about 15." he said as he passed me a glass of red wine.

"Mmmmmm, delicious! What is it?"

"It's a Merlot from Mountain Ridge Winery – in Niagara. A few hours south of Toronto. It is good isn't it? Sip it Hope! Sip it – you don't know how long it's been since you've had alcohol.

I tried really hard to sip as Tom and I made small talk. I sipped the wine, I really did – but I sipped A LOT. It was soooo good! Who knew alcohol would be so fun?!

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Supper was a marvel. Jamie and Tom went all out – we had iced coffee and steak with a coffee bean and pepper corn rub (that Tom made!!), baked potatoes, steamed veggies and an espresso cheesecake for dessert. Did you notice a theme? And wine. Lots and lots of wine! The guys had gone all out for my welcome supper and I was very touched. I couldn't believe they had gone to all this trouble – especially Tom!

After supper we brought the wine into the living room. We had finished the last of the bottles Tom brought with supper so Jamie broke into his what he calls his wine cellar. It's actually a shelf in the front closet, but who's counting –there was more wine!

We continued drinking and chatting, having a blast. Jamie and Tom told me all about G-Major and some very funny stories involving SME, a rubber chicken and jello – and they say what happens on tour stays on tour? Not with this group!

At about 11:30 Jamie passed the point of no return and exceeded his alcohol limit. What a lightweight! Tom and I helped him to bed – he was snoring before we even got to his room!

Once we got him settled I realized that I was still awake, somewhat cognizant of my surroundings (did I mention that I really enjoyed the wine?) and that Tom hadn't left yet.

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I thought that Tom would leave after we had put Jamie to bed, but he went right back to the couch and sat down. He re-filled both of our glasses and gestured for me to sit. I hovered at the doorway, uncertain of what to do. I had to sit. I had to sit for sure…standing was going to be a problem.

I had to go near Tom to get my wine. I couldn't go and sit without it. My wine is near a seat…but the seat was near Tom.

Do I take the wine and sit, or maybe I should stand. No, I already determined that standing was going to be an issue very very soon.

I could pretend I heard something, make Tom check it out and then lay on the couch so he had to sit somewhere else.

Maybe I could spill wine on him.

Maybe I should just go to bed, that would be a good plan. Bed is good. The wine is good too…it would be rude of me to leave Tom out here all by himself.

He was nice tonight, he made coffee meat. That was good. I should do something soon, Tom is looking at me.

"Are you okay Hope?"

"Fine. Fine. You? Are you okay Tom?"

"Yeah…I'm fine Hope. Did you want some more wine? There is another bottle and a half here."

"Sure. Yeah. That would be good. Thanks."

"Did you want me to bring the wine to you?"

"No! I just…I will…um, I'll get it. Thanks."

Uh oh. I hadn't figured on walking being an issue.

4 steps.

I could do this.

Steady.

3 steps.

Balance.

Focus.

2 steps.

Don't look at him.

One foot and then the other.

1 step.

Careful.

Good job! Now sit. Sit and smile. Take the wine.

"Thanks Tommy."

"Tommy? That's the first time you've ever called me that! It's nice."

"Oh sorry! I didn't mean to.'

"Didn't mean to what – say Tommy or be nice?"

"What? I don't know." Suddenly my wine was very interesting.

"I had a really good time tonight, Hope."

"Me too! Dinner was soooo good! That cheesecake almost made me pee my pants!" What? Did I just say that?

Out loud?!

To Tom?!

I had to look at Tom to see if perhaps he hadn't heard me, I had to risk it. I may have just thought it…and not said it. I do that sometimes, I think things. I could feel my face burning. Clinging to the possibility that he hadn't heard me I finally looked; he was looking at me with a shit-eating grin on his face. We both cracked up and all of a sudden I felt fine, more then fine. Tom wasn't so scary after all!

"I can't believe I just said that!"

"I can't believe you said that either! The cheesecake was really good though!"

I smiled and I looked at Tom, his hair isn't really that crunchy, I'll bet.

"Can I touch your hair?"

"Can you what?"

"Touch your hair."

"Ummm."

"To see if it's as crunchy as I've always thought."

"You thought my hair was crunchy, Hope? I'm hurt. I take very good care of my hair, I take it very seriously." Ohh, okay, now he was pulling my pout trick! Nice try! Not gonna work!

"Oh, be quiet you big baby and let me caress your locks!" I giggled and reached over none too steadily to grab Tom's hair. He moved back at just the right time and I lost my balance – I fell right into him.

Awkward!

As we tried in vain to sort out our twisted limbs, I found myself noticing the very particular shade of blue his eyes were, how adorable his smile was, how solid and strong he felt, how inviting his lips looked…

Mmm, his lips looked really soft.

I must have been engrossed in Tom or his lips because it took me a moment to realize that we weren't moving anymore…that no one was attempting to untangle us anymore. I slowly moved my gaze from his lips up to his eyes and froze at the look in them.

We were close, so very close. I would just have to move a fraction and I could experience those yummy lips for myself.

Maybe I should just get some more wine.

"Hope…." a whisper, barely a sound. It suddenly became a little harder to breathe and I couldn't help but look at those lips again.


	11. Chapter 11

**Chapter 11**

_The song used in this chapter is"Grace" by Kate Havnevik_

Before I really knew what was happening I was leaning into Tom, I lightly brushed his lips with mine and sighed, "Mmmmm, they _are_ as soft as they look."

The air turned electric.

"Hope?" his voice husky, Tom spoke without moving his lips away. A question and a statement all in one.

"Shut up and kiss me sailor."

I pulled him closed and deepened the kiss. He kissed me back and slipped his tongue between my lips. He gently rested his hand on either side of my face and drew me closer. My insides tightened, I melted. This felt so good. He felt so good.

I lost myself in that kiss. I lost my surroundings, I lost all meaning of time – all I could feel, all I could sense, was that delicious kiss and Tom's warm body so close to mine.

Sigh…

Then, without warning, Tom pulled away, "No! Stop it Hope."

"What's wrong?" I felt empty and cold all of a sudden – like something had been taken from me.

"We can't do this Hope, it's…it's just not right." Tom pushed me away and stood up, running his hand through his hair, "You shouldn't have done that. I'm sorry. I have to go."

I was speechless. I didn't know what to say to that and just watched helplessly while Tom grabbed his shoes. He didn't even pause to put them on – he just walked out the door without another word.

I put my head in my hands, wondering what I had just done. How could I be that stupid? I eyed the remaining wine and made a quick decision. I reached out for my glass, and lost myself again.

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Jamie woke me up the next morning with a glass of water and an aspirin. I could barely force my eyes open and felt like I had been hit by a truck. I guess I had fallen asleep on the couch, because it looked like I was still in the living room. I think it was the living room.

I heard a chuckle from somewhere to my left, "Had a good night, eh Hope?"

I couldn't seem to pry my lips apart to give Jamie the tongue-lashing he deserved. People should not be this chipper in the morning. I need coffee…

I attempted to work my tongue around my mouth, desperate for saliva but it felt like I had eaten the insides of some poor defenceless stuffed animal. I winced as Jamie opened the curtains and the light poured in the room. What was this torture?

Jamie pushed my legs aside and sat down on the couch, "Take this aspirin Hope and drink the water. All of it. You're dehydrated."

"Whaa? Ughhh."

"You're dehydrated. You have a hangover from drinking too much – what time did Tom leave anyway? It looks like you guys had some fun –all of the wine is gone."

At the mention of Tom my insides clenched. Okay, I either need to get to a bathroom _right now_ or something happened last night. I took a sip of water and paused for a moment to take stock of my insides….

Hmmm, something must have happened last night.

Think Hope. Yummy dinner, good wine. Fun, laughs. It was a great night full of bonding and booze. Why do I feel such dread? I don't think I had _that_ much wine.

It hit me. Oh…..shit!

"Do you need to get to a bathroom Hope? You look really pale."

Oh shit.

"Hope, did you hear me? Are you okay?"

Oh, double-shit.

"I'm okay, kind of. Just feel kinda gross."

"I'll bet! I'm glad I zonked out when I did, I feel just fine this morning!"

"Oh shut up, not fair!"

"Don't worry, you'll feel better soon. There is a fresh pot of coffee in the kitchen for you. I have to get to work, but promise me you'll eat something as soon as you can – you'll feel better. And keep drinking water, the coffee won't re-hydrate you."Jamie kissed my forehead, grabbed his bag and gave me a wave before he left. I sighed and got up from the couch, very slowly. I made my way to the kitchen, refilled my water glass and poured a cup of coffee.

I sat back down in the living room and alternated sips of coffee and water. I turned on the television and stared mindlessly while perky people blathered on and on about some product. Water. Coffee. Water. Coffee. Don't think; just watch the pretty people on the picture box.

I had to re-fill both my mug and my glass a few times before I felt sufficiently human. My mind kept threatening to go back to last night's humiliation of epic proportions but I did not want to deal with it. Not yet.

Food was not an option at this point, so determined to keep myself busy I elected to tidy up. I piled the empty wine bottles in the recycling and took the glasses to the kitchen. Jamie was a great cook, but he left a little to be desired in the clean up area. Oh well, more to keep me busy.

I loaded the dishwasher and set to work washing everything else that wouldn't fit. I got to Tom's platter and my hands started to shake. Dr. Vogel. What would Dr. Vogel tell me to do right now? No, I was not going to talk to Tom. Journal, that's it. I will get in touch with my feel – no. That's what I want to avoid right now.

I wandered around the apartment, looking for things to clean. I scrubbed the bathroom and dusted everything with a surface. I vacuumed and washed floors, but I couldn't shake my unease.

I finally gave up and went to my room to grab my notebook. I sat down outside on the balcony with a fresh cup of coffee and new resolve.

I can admit it; I made a mistake last night. A huge one. If I could just remember everything, and show Tom once and for all who I was – that I was a good person – it would solve this and so many other problems.

I sighed and looked out onto the busy Toronto street. I felt so alone and so defeated. Things were just getting good and I ruined it all with one drunken night. Now Tom hates me and Jamie was going to soon – I had blown it all.

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Hours later the coffee sat beside me, untouched. I stared down at my notebook, awed by the words I had written. I felt lighter, liberated and I knew things weren't as bad as I imagined.

_I'm on my knees_

_O__I'm on my knees  
Only memories  
Are left for me to hold_

_Don't know how  
But I'll get by  
Slowly pull myself together_

_(I'll get through this)_

_There's no escape  
So keep me safe  
This feels so unreal_

_Nothing comes easily  
Fill this empty space  
Nothing is like it seems  
Turn my grief to grace_

_I feel the cold  
Loneliness unfold  
Like from another world_

_Come what may  
I won't fade away  
But I know I might change_

_Nothing comes easily  
Fill this empty space  
Nothing is like it was  
Turn my grieve to grace_

_Nothing comes easily  
When do I regain?  
Nothing can bring me peace  
I've lost everything  
I just wanna feel your embrace_

No writing I had done to this point had affected me so much. I had no idea that getting words down on paper could change things so drastically. It was like it only existed on paper and I didn't have to deal with it inside anymore. Cathartic. That's the word.

I looked down at the paper again and read to myself. I began to read out loud and noticed a natural rhythm to the words. Something clicked and I ran inside to grab an acoustic guitar I had noticed in one of the closets.

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I had completely lost myself in the process of getting what I heard in my head, and felt in my soul, out into the world when I was startled by a soft intake of breath behind me.

"Woah, Hope. What is that? It's beautiful."

Slightly embarrassed I turned to see Jamie standing in the doorway, "Hi Jamie. Thanks. I don't know I just sat down and. . . . do you really like it?"

"Yeah," Jamie breathed, "I had no idea you could sing like that, or play the guitar Hope. Wow."

"I didn't know either. I was writing some stuff and remembered seeing this guitar and….it just came."

"You wrote that? I'm impressed Hope, it's really good. Hey! Do you realize what this means? We have another piece to the puzzle, you can play the guitar!"

I tried to smile, "Yeah – it's pretty cool." I set the guitar down and closed my notebook. Unsure of what to say, I stared at the sky watching the sun begin to sink and let the silence surround us.

Jamie looked at me and I could tell he was wondering why I wasn't more excited. This was another step towards remembering who I was but I didn't feel like talking, and I didn't feel like celebrating.

Jamie sighed and put his hand on my shoulder, "It's going to be okay Hope."

I smiled down at my shoes, unable to look at him and trying not to cry. I closed my eyes, willing there to be silence for a while longer.

Jamie squeezed my shoulder and settled in for the wait.

After a few minutes, Jamie finally broke the twilight stillness, "Tom wasn't at work today. I stopped by his place to see if he was alright. When I finally got him to open the door he said he just wasn't feeling well," Jamie looked at me strangely, "but he couldn't even look me in the eye."

Here it comes, I thought.

"Hope, what happened last night?"


	12. Chapter 12

**Chapter 12 **

"Hope, what happened last night?"

BAM! That was the sound of the other shoe dropping, the thing I had been dreading all day. Does this mean that Tom didn't say anything? Maybe I shouldn't either. I took a deep breath and looked at Jamie. All I saw in his face was concern and curiosity. No blame, no disgust. Only worry. And love.

I knew I couldn't hide from this, hide from Jamie, "I did a really stupid thing, Jamie, and I'm really sorry."

"What happened, Hope? It can't be that bad."

I told Jamie the whole story, and how I was afraid that I had ruined it all.  
We had such a good time at supper and Tom and I were starting to actually get along. We were finally getting to a good place then I spoiled everything and the last thing I wanted to do was drive a wedge between Jamie and Tom with a stupid drunken move.

"You haven't ruined anything, Hope. Tommy's not that kind of person. You should hear some of the stuff I have done to him, the stuff we've done to each other. He's always gotten over it. He's probably just tired and hung over right now." Jamie took turned my chair to face him and took both of my hands in his, "Hope, you didn't do anything to Tom. You did this to each other. He kissed you back, didn't he?"

"It's an innate reaction, Jamie. Someone kisses you, you kiss back until you realize what's going on. You didn't see his face - if he didn't hate me before, I am sure he does now." I sighed and pinched the bridge of my nose, "I just want to forget it happened. Weird, eh? I usually do everything in my power to remember and now that there is something I want to forget, I can't stop thinking about it."

"Maybe you should talk to Tommy."

I started and looked up at Jamie. Was he serious?

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I wiped my sweaty palms on my jeans and took a deep breath. I have never seen a door that looked so ominous. This is a bad idea.

I turned around and went back to the elevator. While I waited for the door to open I realized I was being a coward. I am a strong woman; I can deal with Squinty anytime!

I sighed and made my way back to the door. I raised my hand to knock and stopped.

It's now or never, Hope. You can't avoid this forever.

Yes I can.

No you can't. Jamie is just going to walk you right back down here.

I can't breathe. This is a mistake.

"I can hear you talking to yourself."

What?!!? What the hell? The voice was coming from the other side of the door. Shit. He knows I'm here.

"Uh, hi Tom. It's me, Hope."

"I know."

"Um, Jamie said you weren't feeling well. Are you okay?"

"I'm fine."

"Um, okay then."

I turned and practically ran for the elevator. See, I knew this was a bad idea.

When I got back to the apartment Jamie was waiting in the living room, "So, did you talk to him?"

"Yeah. Of course I did."

"And?" Jamie patted the couch next to him.

"He said he's feeling fine."

"About what happened last night?"

"I'm not sure." I sat down next to Jamie and put my head on his shoulder, "We didn't exactly get to the opening of the door point in the conversation."

"You talked to him through the door?"

"Yup. Then I ran away."

"Hope," Jamie moved away and looked at me, "You're miserable. You know you need to do this. You're not doing to make it any better if you run away from it."

"Running is so much easier."

"Of course it is. But it isn't you. Hope, I haven't known you for an incredibly long time but you have never struck me as the avoiding type. Look at everything you have been through. Are you going to let some.F'ed up situation with Tommy get to you, after everything else? Go and talk to him.  
Please."

"Jamie.I don't think he wants to talk to _me_."

"Maybe he doesn't." Jamie smiled, "but since when have you ever let that stop you?"

"You aren't going to let this drop, are you Andrews?"

"No Andrews, I'm not."

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I tried to collect myself as I headed down to the hall towards the elevator for the second time. The hallway seemed twice as long and the elevator seemed to take forever. I watched the numbers light up in turn, counting down.

2 more floors.

Maybe I should take the stairs.

One more floor.

Deep breath.

-bing-

The doors slid open and I almost bolted, CRAP!

"Hi Tom."

"Hope."

"Um, are you coming to see Jamie?"

"No."

"Are you getting on Hope? I can't hold this door forever."

I looked at him, confused. Did he want me to get on the elevator with him? I hesitantly stepped over the threshold and immediately went to the corner furthest away from Tom. He pressed a button and turned to face me.

I didn't wait for him to speak; I couldn't let him start talking. It all came out in a rush, "Look, I'm sorry about last night Tom. I made a mistake, I was drunk. It will never happen again and I would really love it if we could just forget about it. It was stupid and like I said I was drunk. It was just a kiss, we can move past it and forget about it and be friends and everything can go back to the way it was before and I am sorry if you hate me and if I made you uncomfortable but I don't hate you back and I just want to forget it. Okay? Okay."

I exhaled as the elevator came to a stop. I rushed out the door not caring what floor we were on. I heard the doors begin to close behind me and willed myself not to look back.

If I had, I would have seen Tom slowly disappearing between the doors, staring back at me with a very hurt expression on his face.


	13. Chapter 13

**Chapter 13**

I finally made it back to the apartment. I don't even remember what floor I got off on and I had to use the stairwell (didn't want to run into Tom). I got turned around twice.

I closed the door behind me and leaned back against it. I felt drained.

Jamie looked at me questioningly, "He was on the elevator. I freaked out. I rambled. I had diarrhea of the mouth and I ran away again. I didn't even let him talk."

"Oh, that bad huh?"

"Worse."

"Did you want me to talk to him, Hope?" Jamie looked sad, or was it sympathetic?

I sighed, "No, Jamie. I think it would be best if we just dropped it before it gets any worse."

"Okay Hope, if that's what you want." Jamie looked unconvinced, but I knew he would let it go for now, if nothing but to save me more embarrassment.

Is this what I wanted?

What I wanted was to turn back time.

What I wanted was to remember everything.

What I wanted was for things to be simple and to make sense.

I didn't think I would be getting everything I wanted, not anytime soon.

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Over the next few days Jamie and I settled into a routine. He would go to work and I would piddle around the apartment cleaning and writing in my journal or playing the guitar. I would make dinner for him and if the weather was nice enough we would eat out on the balcony.

Nights that he didn't have to go out to see a band, we would stay in and watch movies or play board games. So far, I had the high score in Rummy but Jamie was kicking my ass in Backgammon.

I had sent away for a credit card and my Social Insurance card so I could start looking for work and I'd had a few appointments with Dr. Vogel. Other then talking about the guitar and my songs they were pretty uneventful. I refused to relive the wine incident in therapy.

I found out that the guitar I had been using was a spare of Spied's that he had left at Jamie's. I should have known – the "_Meat is Neat_" and "_I Brake for Hamburger_" stickers on it ought to have been a huge clue.

I went out on a few of the nicer days and began to explore the neighborhood a little. Jamie was a bit overprotective and warned me to stay close to home; he even bought me pepper spray and an emergency whistle.

Every evening Jamie brought me news and messages from his work. Kwest, Spied, Kyle, Wally and even Portia all asked after me and were anxious for any news. They all wanted me to visit and Jamie was excited about giving me a tour of G-Major. It felt so good to know that so many people cared, but I couldn't help but notice that Jamie never mentioned Tom.

I finally worked up the courage to ask Jamie how Tom was doing, "I don't know," Jamie said with a shrug, "He seems okay I guess. He said everything is fine and there was nothing to talk about."

"That's it?"

"Yeah, that's pretty much it Hope. I don't see a lot of him at work right now, he's keeping himself pretty busy finishing Mason's new album."

"Oh yeah, Mason! Tom had mentioned Mason once – said I'd probably get along really well with him."

"Yeah, you would Hope. Mason is pretty cool. Wait a minute – yesterday, Mason asked me about you. I couldn't figure out how he knew who you were…Tom must have told him about you."

"I doubt Tom told Mason anything about me Jamie, it was probably Kwest or one of the guys."

"Maybe…"

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The next afternoon Jamie came home with a big grin on his face, "Ho-ope! I have a supri-i-ise for you!"

I ran out of the kitchen where I had been alphabetizing the spices, "Oh goody! I love surprises…unless they are bad surprises – then I don't love them at all."

"You'll love this one – it's a present!"

"A present? Jamie, you didn't need to get me anything else. You have already done too much!"

"It's not from me, Hope."

"It's not from you? Who is it from?"

"You'll have to open it to find out, won't you?"

Jamie handed me the brightly colored package and I tore in. I gasped when I saw the contents. Nestled amongst silver tissue paper with bright blue stars was a brand new package of plastic picnic knives and a note that read,

"_All is forgotten._

_T.Q."_

Shocked.

Flabbergasted.

Bemused.

Confused.

Touched.

I laughed as I pulled the knives out of the box and had to explain the whole story to Jamie.

"You were going to try to protect yourself with a plastic knife?!?!"

"Yeah, you'd be surprised at how deadly they can be. The night before I squirreled it away in my robe I cut myself with it! I still have it you know, I sleep with it under my pillow. It's like a lethal, hard little blankie – or a nasty shocker for the tooth fairy. "

"Hope, _you_ could cut yourself with butter! Stick to the pepper spray from now on, okay?"

"Sure thing Mr. Andrews," I said with an evil grin.

"But not on Tommy!"

"I would never do that…unless he deserved it."

Hmmm, a peace offering from Squinty? Did this mean all was truly forgotten and forgiven? It sounded too good to be true. To further the reconciliation, though, I knew that I needed to reciprocate somehow..

I giggled to myself as I skipped off to my room, clutching my new treasure tightly to my chest. I knew exactly what to do!

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The very next afternoon Jamie showed up with none other then Tom in tow. I admit I was a little surprised to see him walk in the door with Jamie and I found a small part of me – a VERY small part of me – secretly hoping he had come to see me.

I behaved very maturely and lady-like when I saw Tom, I squeaked, turn around and ran to my room. Tom must bring the inner sprinter out in me.

After I composed myself, I grabbed my package, '_The Gift: An Appropriate Offering to Reciprocate and Continue Healing a Tenuous Friendship'_ as I had begun to think of it. It wasn't much, but I hoped Tom would appreciate it.

I went back to the living room to find Jamie and Tom sorting through CDs, it turned out that Tom had come by to borrow some music – not to see me. I tried not to feel disappointed, but I kind of was.

I sat on the couch and watched them bicker. Jamie was trying to convince Tom that Ani DiFranco wasn't just angry girl music, but she had some very insightful things to say and the music was really catchy. Tom wasn't buying it.

He finally noticed me on the couch and gave me a quick smile, then turned back to Jamie and the CDs. Not much of a greeting.

I hid the gift under a pillow, suddenly unsure. Jamie kept glancing from Tom to me, waiting for one of us to say something, I'm sure.

I started to sweat a little and my stomach was in knots. I told myself that I was a beautiful, strong, intelligent, benevolent woman and then I ran out of adjectives. I contemplated going out on the balcony to leave the guys to their CD sorting but I couldn't leave the gift there, and I didn't think I could remove it without them noticing. I tapped my feet on floor and bit my nails.

I am woman, hear me roar. I am not that blathering idiot from the elevator; I am not a simpering coward. '_The Gift: An Appropriate Offering to Reciprocate and Continue Healing a Tenuous Friendship'_ should not be hidden under a pillow but shared and exploited!

I tried to work up the courage to interrupt.

"Um…hi Tom."

"Thank you for the gift Tom. And the note. It was very thoughtful."

Tom didn't look up from the CDs, "You got it? Good."

"Yeah….it made me laugh, it was very cute. Thank you."

"I'm glad you enjoyed it."

There was no inflection in his voice, no look on his face – he was just staring intently at the CDs and Jamie now looked as though he was watching a tennis match.

So much for strong and intelligent, I was beginning to loose my nerve. Here goes nothing, "I got you something too."

"Hm, you did? Thanks."

"I have it right here…do you want it."

"Sure."

I handed Tom the package, which he took without looking at me, still. I glanced at Jamie as Tom began to open the box. He looked surprised…I guess I had forgotten to tell him I did this. Oops.

Tom stared at the contents of the box and I swear I saw a tiny smile. He looked up at Jamie, and then at me – his expression unreadable.

"It's uh…" How do I explain this? He either got it or he didn't.

"I know what it is."

"Oh." This was not going well. I looked down at the box and bit my lip, "The um, receipt, that came with all of the clothes and stuff. It's the receipt from everything you bought me. I just wanted give it to you so you know that I haven't forgotten…about that. And I am very grateful. And it meant, means, a lot to me. The uh, knife. That's the original. Its a little worse for wear but it still might do you some good. Toronto can be a rough city, you know...and…I don't need it anymore."

I bit my lip again and looked at Tom. I saw the corners of his mouth twitch and he looked down at the box again. He reached for the knife and as he was lifting it out of the box he abruptly jumped back and winced, "Ow, damn it!"

He held up his finger and there was a tiny trickle of blood running down. Jamie jumped up and went to the bathroom for a band aid. I tried really, really hard not to laugh.

Tom was sucking on his finger glaring at me, "Ew dud that on purlpus!"

That did it. I started giggling and couldn't stop, "I didn't I swear! It was a peace offering, not an act of war!"

Tom's mouth twitched around his bloody finger and he started laughing too. Jamie came back from the bathroom with the first aid supplies and found Tim sitting on the floor with his finger in his mouth, tears running down his face from laughter. I was sprawled across the couch in hysterics. He smiled, took in the scene and let out a huge sigh, like he had been holding his breath.


	14. Chapter 14

**Chapter 14**  
_NB: I don't own Instant Star, even though I have used a couple lines from 307…and a song…_

Jamie got Tom all bandaged up and we convinced him that a trip to emerg. was not necessary. For a big 'ol manly man, Squinty sure didn't like blood – especially if it was his own!

Tom gingerly tucked the receipt and broken, worn knife in his wallet and sat on the couch beside me, "So, Jamie has been telling me about all of these wonderful songs you've been writing. I'd like to hear them sometime."

My eyes went wide and I glared at Jamie, "You told Tom what?"

"He just told me that you wrote some songs, and that he thought I should hear them. He said you were very good, Hope. I'd really like to listen to them."

Jamie started backing out of the room slowly, "I was just excited that you had remembered something else about yourself, that you could play the guitar. I was happy and wanted to tell someone about it. It's a good thing, Hope – your songs are wonderful."

I didn't know if I should be mad at Jamie for telling Tom about my songs or excited that Tom seemed so interested in hearing them. They were pretty personal though, I wasn't sure I felt comfortable sharing them with anyone but Jamie.

As if he could sense my hesitation, Tom got up from the couch, "I'll tell you what, Hope," he went to Jamie's stereo and began searching through CDs, "You play me the songs – or even just one song and I'll," He selected a CD and slid it in the stereo. _Pick Up the Pieces_ immediately filled the apartment, "finally teach you that dance!" Tom put his hands up behind his head, started to shake his hips and wiggle his eyebrows.

I threw my head back and laughed, "Who could refuse those moves?!?! Let's dance first and you've got yourself a deal!"

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Tom painstakingly taught Jamie and I the dance moves that went along with _Pick Up The Pieces_. We were very poor students and kept interrupting the flow of Teacher Tom's lesson by giggling and mocking the professor.

"No, no, no, you slide to the right first, _then_ the left." Tommy instructed and Jamie and I bumped into each other for the fifth time in a row.

"Left arm out and jump around to the left."

"Good, down, cross over, arms out."

_A rush of love_, "…left hand on your thigh, that's good, right hand above your head …and down."

_..around my heart_, "Fists up, move neck back and forth – that's right Hope."

I did a little better then Jamie, except for the time I lost my balance on one of the turns and knocked both of the guys over. We had a blast and it was dark out by the time we got the dance down pat, so we opened the curtains and watched our reflections in the window.

"Watch out world, there's a new Boyz Attack in town!" I hadn't had this much fun since my welcome home dinner.

"You're a girl, Hope – we can't be _Boyz _Attack," Jamie laughed as he danced along to the music.

"No one can be a new Boyz Attack; we were one of a kind!" Tom plopped himself on the couch as the song ended once again, "but you weren't half bad, I will admit."

I collapsed on the floor laughing, "That was great!"

"You know Hope, that used to make girls cry, not cackle."

"I don't cackle!"

"Or maybe you aren't like other girls…"

Jamie stuck his head next to Tom from behind the couch, "Ohhh, its little Tommy Q," he faked a swoon, "and your parachute pants are just so shiny!"

Tom swatted Jamie and turned back to me, "Alright Andrews, time to ante up. We danced, now you have to make good on your end of the bargain."

Not laughing anymore, I grimaced and went to get Spied's guitar. "Alright, Squinty, you asked for it. No laughing though – this is now a no-laughing zone. Okay?"

"Promise, no laughing."

I picked up the guitar and began to play,

_Somewhere there's a sea that has no other side  
Somewhere there's an airplane lost beyond the sky  
So fly us up above the clouds  
Live your life, you are now_

_In the darkness round the sun  
There's light behind your eyes  
When you've lost the will the run  
You can feel it start to shine  
When the rain falls down so hard  
And you don't know where to start  
Drowning in the sun_

I stole a glance at Tom, curious to see his reaction. He was sitting forward on the couch with his head resting in his palms, just staring. Was this good or bad?

_Somewhere someone thinks they've found the perfect love  
And they think you've found the answer to all of this  
So hang on sometimes we miss it  
I'll be the perfect kiss_

_In the darkness round the sun  
There's light behind your eyes  
When you've lost the will the run  
You can feel it start to shine  
When the rain falls down so hard  
And you don't know where to start  
Drowning in the sun_

I looked up at Jamie and he had the nicest smile on his face. Unlike Tom, I could read Jamie like a book and knew he liked what he heard – but then, he seemed to like everything I did.

_Oh, yeah  
Drowning in the sun  
Oh, yeah  
Drowning in the sun_

_In the darkness round the sun  
There's light behind your eyes  
When you've lost the will the run  
You can feel it start to shine  
When the rain falls down so hard  
And you don't know where to start  
Drowning in the sun_

I stopped singing and bit the inside of my lip waiting for some kind of response. Jamie reacted first with a burst of applause. I smiled and winked at him, so thankful for the encouragement.

Tom let out a huge breath, "Whew….do you have any more songs you can play for me, Hope?"

"Play the first one I heard you sing, Hope!"

Okay, now I was confused. Did Tom want to hear another one because the first one was so bad? Did he like it? I took a deep breath and played the first song I had ever written (as far as I knew).

When I finished I waited again for some kind of response from Tom. He didn't even look at me, but addressed Jamie, "Jamie. Darius has got to meet her – he'll freak. The songs need a little work but there is something there, and she is definitely talented."

"Hello-o," I waved my hands, "I am here you know. Presuming I am the 'she' you are talking about it sure would be nice if you actually spoke to me."

Jamie turned to me with a grin, "This is great Hope, Darius is - "

"I know who Darius is, Jamie, you have told me all about him. What is Tom talking about?" If Tom could do it, so could I.

"Tom thinks your songs are good, Hope. Good enough to take to Darius. Maybe one of the artists can record one of your songs or maybe you could. Imagine that!"

Record my what? This was absurd, it was happening too fast. My songs weren't for other people – they were therapy for goodness sake! I looked at Jamie and Tom and shook my head, nooo way.

"Come on Hope, we'll work on them a bit…polish 'em up. What have you got to lose?"

I don't know. My pride? My dignity? My songs?

"Hope, Tom won't let you get hurt or let them ruin your songs. I'll be there too. It could be a lot of fun!"

Against my better judgment, I agreed to work on my songs with Tom. Jamie was right – it could be fun…and maybe Darius wouldn't even want to hear them. I went to my room to get my journal so Tom could see some of my other songs. When I came back to the living room Jamie was on the phone and Tom was waiting for me on the couch.

I sat down beside him, "I don't understand, Tom. Why are you doing this? This is too much."

He turned and faced me, his eyes hard, "Everything is forgotten. We are back to the way things were before, right?"

"Yeah…I guess so."

"Fine. Then we are back to the way things were. Let's just focus on the songs."

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Over the next week Tom came by almost every afternoon to work with me. Sometimes he would come home with Jamie and sometimes he would come alone. It was almost fun when Jamie was with us, but awkward when we were by ourselves. Tom was acting a little strange and seemed to have a lot of mood swings. One second we would be joking around about a lyric or a bit of music and the next moment it was like a curtain dropped over his face and he would be all business.

I would sneak a lot of glances at him, trying to gauge his mood and sometimes I would catch him staring at me with a strange expression on his face. It was disquieting and I didn't know what to make of it. Luckily, I was able to push Tom's weird behavior to the back of my mind and focus on the songs. Jamie had convinced Darius to meet me and I was getting increasingly nervous.

To top it all off, Jamie was leaving for British Columbia that night to try and sign a new band. He would be gone for three days and I would be alone in the apartment for the first time.

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I woke up the morning after Jamie left and my first thought was about being all by myself, and then the nerves kicked in. I tried not to think about Jamie's cautionary tales and the extra pepper spray he had bought me.

In trying not to think about that, I began to obsess over my upcoming meeting with Darius – we would be going to see him when Jamie got back from his trip. Not good. I had to distract myself before I went truly senseless. I decided to tidy the already spotless apartment – cleaning was always a good distraction!

I got dressed and went to the coffee shop down the street for a fancy coffee (I deserved a treat) and made my way back to the apartment. I was puttering away – just cleaning and dancing to the songs inside my head when my blood froze.

Too close to me, a chilling whisper made my insides clench, "Hello pretty lady. You really shouldn't leave your door unlocked, you know."


	15. Chapter 15

**Chapter 15**

"Hello pretty lady. You really shouldn't leave your door unlocked, you know."

My insides turned to liquid and I reacted on instinct. I grabbed the closest thing to me and swung with all of my strength. My eyes were clenched and I both heard and felt the vase I had grabbed connect with something solid.

There was a muffled "umph" and the sound of something heavy hitting the floor. Then silence.

I pried my eyes open and tried to remember where the phone was…there was a figure sprawled on the floor at my feet, blood beginning to pool.

I nudged the figure with my toe, no response. I nudged harder and the intruder turned over.

Oh no, what have I done?

"Tom! Tom! Are you okay? Oh, Tom please speak to me, I am so sorry"

I grabbed the phone and dialled 9-1-1, doing everything I could not to panic. I tried to staunch the blood but there was too much, there was nothing I could do.

When the ambulance arrived, they loaded Tom onto a gurney and put him in the back, I was near hysterics but I managed to blurt out that I was his fiancé so they would let me come to the hospital.

During the ride, I tried not to think about what had just happened… I just hugged my knees and rocked back and forth praying that Tom would be okay. I hadn't realized I was crying until one of the paramedics handed me a tissue, "He's going to be okay, Ma'am. We stopped the bleeding for now and it looks like it's a fairly superficial wound. We'll know better when the doctors can see him."

I remembered how much Tom hated hospitals, and now I was going to be the reason – once again – that he was going to be back inside one. He was never going to forgive me after this.

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They stitched Tom up and put him in a hospital room for the night. He had been conscious when they had him in surgery (do they call it surgery if it's just stitches and stuff?) but panicked when he realized where he was. So, they knocked him out. They pumped him with enough drugs that he would be out for the rest of the night, but should be released the next day. Thankfully, the paramedic had been right and the wound was just a surface cut. It bled a lot and looked worse than it really was.

After speaking with the doctor and police, I stood in the doorway of Tom's room and breathed a sigh of relief – he was going to be okay. He looked so pale and so breakable with his head swathed like that. What the hell did he think he was doing waltzing into the apartment and scaring me like that? Did he have a death wish? He knew I had an entire pack of knives at my disposal…he _gave_ them to me!

I sighed and moved into the room. I tucked him in again to make sure he wouldn't get cold and sat down next to him. I rested my elbows on the edge of the bed and put my head in my hands, wishing I could turn back time. I felt my eyelids begin to droop and finally close…

_It was night time; the light from the moon was casting eerie  
shadows on the walls and the beds. They didn't know I was  
awake; didn't know I could hear them…but I could._

_There were other people there, not just the people in the beds.  
They were crying and whispering in muted, sad tones._

_"It's a tragedy, they were so happy, such a wonderful family."_

_"It's a blessing it happened so quickly."_

_"They loved that little girl so much."_

_"She's so little; I wonder how much she'll remember."_

_I felt an awful, overwhelming sense of dread and sorrow as  
I looked up at the shadowed faces around me. What was  
going on? Why was I so scared? Why did I feel so alone?_

_A large hand reached down and rested itself on my head,  
"She'll be okay. Everything will be alright."_

The hand felt heavy on my head and I slowly came to the realization that it was real, and not part of my dream. I was bent over in my chair and my head was resting in my folded arms on Tom's bed. I opened my eyes and ooked at the peacefully sleeping figure - his breathing was deep and even, and his fingers were entwined with my hair.

I gently removed his hand and placed it on his bed where I had been sleeping just as he began to stir and I began to get nervous. I tried to shake the unease from my dream and focus on Tom. He groaned and turned his head away from the window.

I got up and closed the blinds, "Tom? Are you awake? It's Hope."

"Wha…Hope?"

"We are in the hospital Tom, you had a…a bit of an accident. How are you feeling?"

"My head hurts." Tom mumbled as he winced.

Unsure, if Tom had perhaps worsened during the night, I pushed the call button for the nurse. After the doctor had examined Tom he pulled me aside, "Mr. Quincy has suffered a slight concussion due to his head injury; however, it appears to be healing well. There is no discoloration or additional swelling and no sign of infection.

The headaches and sensitivity to light are to be expected for a short while. We will be releasing him this morning as long as you can guarantee you will be available to watch him. The discharge nurse will provide you with care instructions, and a list of symptoms to watch for. If the headaches worsen or if he experiences any of the symptoms on the sheet you are to bring him back to emergency immediately."

I thanked the doctor and went back to Tom's room to help him get ready to go. I was nervous about facing him but relieved that he was going to be released so quickly. He looked as though he was sleeping again and I was thrilled - I wasn't sure if I was ready to face the wrath of Tom quite yet.

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"What did you do to me?"

"You're awake!"

"Yeah, I'm awake. I am also sore, bandaged and pissed off. What the hell did you to me?!"

"There was an accident. How are you feeling?"

"I'm as well as can be expected – what the hell did you do to me?!?"

"The doctor said you'd have headaches and stuff. I have a sheet and it tells me what to look for, in case things get worse."

"WHAT THE HELL DID YOU DO TO ME?"

"Here, drink this orange juice while I go tell the nurse you are ready to go."

I hightailed it out of that room as fast as I could….trying to escape Tom and the reality of last night. I was still a little disturbed by the dream I'd had and didn't feel like dealing with anything but getting Tom out of the hospital.

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I managed to get Tom out of the hospital and into a cab heading back to the apartment without having to talk about last night. We sat on opposite sides of the cab, each studiously ignoring the other. It was like a staring contest, except we weren't looking at each other.

When we entered the elevator I couldn't help but remember the last time I was in an elevator with Tom. I groaned inwardly and hoped that he wasn't thinking the same thing. I reached out and pressed the button for my floor. Tom gave me a sideways glance and stretched out to push the button for his own floor.

"Not so fast. The doctor made me promise I would stay with you."

"So."

"Soo, you have a choice. Either you come up to my apartment and we hang out there or you come up to my apartment and wait while I grab some stuff so I can stay at yours."

"I don't want you in my apartment."

"Fine then. Decision made."

"I don't want to be in yours either, not until you tell me what the hell you did to me."

"Look Quincy – _you_ did this to yourself with your bonehead moves. I don't want to stay with you anymore than you want me to stay with you – but its doctor's orders. Deal with it you big baby!"

"Then tell me WHAT THE HELL YOU DID TO ME!"

"Like I said, Squinty, you did it to yourself. I'll explain everything once we get settled."

"Whatever. So, Miss I-Think-Of-Everything, if we are going straight to your place how are we going to get my things? I really need to take a shower you know."

"Yeah, I know!"

"Shut it."

"Listen, I didn't think of that, okay? Let's just go back down to your place and you can grab some stuff. "

"Fine."

"Fine."

As the elevator ride from hell continued, my thoughts turned back to my dream and what it may have meant. Everything looked larger than life and slightly out of focus…what could it all mean? Maybe it was just a random dream because I was back in a hospital and freaked out…maybe it was something more though, it seemed so real.

We got to Tom's place and I waited in the hallway, staring at the familiar door trying to get a peek inside. I made Tom leave the door open in case he fell and hit his head again (wishful thinking on my part) or got dizzy or something. Can't be too careful.

Tom grabbed his stuff, locked his door and strode to the elevator without another word. We rode up to Jamie's apartment in silence.

I unlocked the door and Tom waltzed in, "I'm taking a shower."

"No you're not."

"What? You said I needed one – now what?"

"You can't get your dressings wet you idiot. You'll have to take a bath or let me wrap your head in saran wrap."

"Great. Bath it is."

"And leave the door open."

"What?!?! Oh, you want to catch a glimpse of little Q?"

I couldn't help but laugh at that one, albeit not very nicely, "Little Q? You are too much. No, Squinty, I just want to make sure I can get to you in case you pass out or something.'

"Ha, you only hope."

"Bite me."

Tom went to the bathroom and began to run the water. I heard the shower curtain close, "No peeking, don't even think about turning around Andrews."

"I wouldn't dream of it."

Was that vanilla I smelled? Was the crackpot using my bubble bath? "Hey! Are you using _my_ bubble bath?"


	16. Chapter 16

**Chapter 16 **

Was that vanilla I smelled? Was the crackpot using my bubble bath? "Hey! Are you using _my_ bubble bath?"

"Well, technically it's mine, since I paid for it."

Sigh, "Whatever Tom. If you want to smell like an adolescent girl then fine with me!" I slid down the wall and settled myself beside the bathroom door. I leaned my head against the wall.

"Hey, some very sophisticated women use the vanilla scent! Are you saying that you're an adolescent girl?"

"Just take your bath Squinty!"

"So," Tom intoned lazily as I listened to water slosh in the tub, "Now are you finally going to tell me what happened?

"You did something stupid and then I reacted. My reaction happened to include the use of a heavy vase."

"You hit me with a _vase_?"

"Well you scared the crap out of me – what the hell were you thinking, sneaking up on me like that? I thought you were going to murder me!"

"I can't lie – the thought has crossed my mind." Tom paused, "I thought you'd recognize my voice…I thought it would be kind of funny, I guess it was actually a bit of a dumb move."

"A _bit_ of a dumb move? It wasn't funny Tom, it was creepy! Seriously, are you some sort of closet stalker? Do you sneak up on women all time?"

"Hey, I don't need to sneak up on women – they all just come to me!"

"You're incorrigible. Now I'm not sorry I hit you!"

"You should be! I have stitches now – what are all my fans going to think if I have a scar?"

"Fans? You still have fans? I'm sure they can just go back to their old issues of Teen Beat and look at the old you – the pretty you, and lament the fact that you now look like a hideous beast. Maybe I should start calling you Quasi Motto!"

"Phantom would suit better. Maybe I should get myself a mask."

"It would certainly be an improvement!"

"You didn't have any complaints the other night!"

Eeep! He had to bring that up. "I was drunk Tom, I probably would have kissed Jamie!"

"No you wouldn't have."

"No, you're right I wouldn't have."

"Are we actually going to talk about this, Hope? Or are you going to run away again? What if I fell unconscious and drowned – it would be all your fault if I died because you ran away. Again."

"I'm not running away Tom."

"Good, so…"

"So…I had this really weird dream at the hospital, Tom. I have to talk to Dr. Vogel about it…I think I came really close to remembering something."

"Unless you dreamt about making crazy monkey love to me, then you are changing the subject."

"Crazy monkey love? You really are full of yourself, aren't you? No, the dream wasn't about that."

"Hey, I just calls 'em like I sees them. I know you want me, admit it - you find me _sexy_!"

"I find you annoying, and frustrating and egotistical and – "

"And sexy!"

"Shut up!"

"Admit it Andrews! You love me, you want _kiss_ me, you want to _hug _me, you want to run your hands through my gorgeous hair!"

"Your delusional – I think you must have a concussion! The copious amounts of hair gel you insist on using must have finally penetrated your thick skull, seeped into your brain and made you a crazy person."

"I'm not delusional, I have amazing clarity. It's like my traumatic head injury made everything so obvious. I know you want me!"

"You're talking out of your ass now, you do realize that?"

"Ohhh, so now you're thinking about my _ass_? Smart move – it's very tight. Nice and chiseled. I have a really good ass!"

"No Quincy, you _are_ an ass! Are you done with your bath yet?"

"Almost, you wanna come and towel me off?"

"In your dreams! I'm going to make some tea,"

I stalked off to the kitchen and could hear Tom yelling after me, "You go do that Hope, I know you need a moment to collect yourself. I have that effect on women!"

I grinned despite myself. He was a piece of work! At least he didn't seem to upset about the fact that I may have scarred him for life…I really should apologize for that…

When I went back to the living room Tom was sitting on the couch rubbing his head, "I feel almost nostalgic for your old weapon of choice; this is a hell of a lot worse than a plastic knife."

I sat down beside him and handed him a mug of tea, "Yeah. I'm really sorry about that Tom."

"Don't worry about it Hope – it was my fault."

"Yes it was, but I am still sorry. Should I issue a press release to apologize to all of your adoring fans?"

Tom smiled, "I'm sure they'll get over it. It may not even scar."

I pulled my feet under me and leaned back to look at Tom, "How are you feeling, really?"

"Much better after the bath, still a bit of a headache but nothing too bad."

"Good."

"And I don't think you're that sexy, you know."

"Ah, but you _do_ think I'm sexy!"

"Ugh! I'm going to ignore you now."

"You can try – but I don't think you can resist me! Okay, I'll play nice – for now. Tell me about this dream you had."

I was so relieved that Tom had dropped the drunken kiss talk; this was going to be much easier! I told him about my dream and the horrible way it made me feel. We picked apart every detail I could remember; I was really impressed that Tom was so into it.

"I think you're right, Hope. I don't think this was a random dream – it was probably a memory."

"Yeah, but what does it mean? Was I actually the little girl?"

"Maybe – does it trigger anything, even a hazy memory?"

"Not really. It seemed so genuine though, and if I was the little girl what does it mean? What was going on?"

"It sounded like there was some sort of tragedy, maybe an accident?"

"And the people were talking about a family, maybe I had family that got badly injured."

"Hope," Tom reached out and put his hand on mine, "It sounded a lot like they were more than injured."

"I know. I just don't want to think about the fact that maybe I don't have any family anymore. Do you think maybe that's why no one has come forward from the news stories – do you think maybe no one is looking for me?"

"Someone is looking for you Hope, I know it. They'll find you and you'll remember everything. It may just take some more time."

"That's what I'm afraid of."

Tom patted my hand and was silent.

"Okay, enough of this Tom. I appreciate you talking through this with me, but I am only going to get more frustrated if I can't remember. What do you want to do? It looks as though we have some time on our hands. Have you called work?"

"I called Darius while you were in the kitchen. I think he was more upset I wasn't going to be in to put the finishing touches on Mason's album then he was about my injury. He told me to get better quick and get back in the studio. He's such a teddy bear, a really loving, concerned guy. He told me to tell you that you'd better not have affected my ability to do my job or your meeting tomorrow won't have anything to do with your music! Don't worry though, everything will be fine.

"Oh no, I think I'm going to be sick. He hates me already and he hasn't even met me!"

"No worries, Hope. Once he hears you sing he'll forget you ever brained me – hell, he'll probably thank you for knocking some sense into me!"

"I sincerely doubt that, Tom. I don't know if this is such a good idea."

"Don't be ridiculous Hope. You have a real gift. Do you enjoy it? Think about it, what does it do to you – writing and performing your songs?"

"I've only really _performed_ for you and Jamie…but playing for you guys, and writing…I don't know. Its unlike anything I've ever experienced Tom. It's like…"

"Falling in love?"

I squirmed in my seat, "I wouldn't know….it's just…I can't imagine not doing it."

"Good. Then you have to meet Darius tomorrow. Let's put the finishing touches on your music."

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Tom and I spent the rest of that day, and the next, together working on my songs and playing games. The time passed quickly and I was happy with the progress we were making. I was beginning to actually get excited about meeting Darius…and finally seeing G-Major, meeting Portia and of course, seeing all the guys again. Even Wally!

Jamie came home that afternoon and was more than a little shocked to see Tom at our place. He listened to our account of recent events with wide, shocked eyes.

"Holy crap! I'm never leaving you in the apartment alone again Hope! How could you have left the door unlocked? And Tom! What the hell were you thinking?!?! "

"I wasn't Jamie, obviously, and Hope has learned her lesson I'm sure."

"Definitely. Never hit Tom over the head with a vase or he'll get really ornery!"

"Hope!"

"Okay, okay, I'll never forget to lock the door again!"

"Sheesh! Are you okay now Tommy?"

"Fit as a fiddle. I get my stitches out next week. We should think about leaving soon, though. Hope's meeting with Darius is soon."

"Are you both coming? I don't think I can do this alone."

"We'll both be there, right Tom?"

"Wouldn't miss it for the world. Hope, why don't you grab Spied's guitar and your notebook. Are you ready for this?"

"No." My stomach clenched and I ran for the bathroom. I barely made it before I emptied the contents of my stomach into the toilet. I cleaned myself up and brushed my teeth then walked back to the living room on shaky legs.

"Don't worry, Hope." Jamie put his arm around me, "You are going to do great!"


	17. Chapter 17

**Chapter 17**

I was too nervous to take in my surroundings when we arrived at G-Major. Jamie was very understanding and said he'd give me a tour afterwards. Very soon after arriving I was engulfed in hugs from Spied, Kyle, Wally and Kwest. I wasn't fast enough and Wally managed to press himself up against my boobs a little too long. What a perv!

"Dude, this is so cool!"

"Yeah, this is awesome Hope! We're so excited!"

"I like your shirt, it's very form fitting!"

"Hope! Darling, doll, love of my life! How did you like your I duh – I mean, um pictures? They turned out great, eh? Maybe I missed my calling – I should be a photographer!"

I tried to greet everyone enthusiastically, but all I could see was an office door with the name Darius Mills on it. I put my hand to my stomach and groaned. Jamie grabbed the guitar case and put his arm around my shoulders. He gently led me away from the gaggle, "Easy guys, she's a little nervous – why don't we catch up later okay?"

He guided me to a couch and motioned for me to sit, "I'm going to see if Darius is ready. Don't forget to breathe, you look a little peaked."

Tom plopped himself down next to me and handed me a paper bag, "Here, just in case."

I took a deep breathe, "Thanks Tom. He isn't that scary, is he?"

"Naw, just go in there and show 'em what you got. You'll wow him don't worry. You are good Hope, you're really good and Darius will see that. Listen; if he asks to hear a second song that means he's interested - just keep going until he tells you to stop."

"Hope, Darius will see you now." Jamie motioned me towards the door.

"Aren't you guys coming with me?"

"We'll be right here." Jamie whispered as he gave my shoulder a squeeze, "You'll do great!"

I took a deep breath, picked up the guitar and walked in Darius' office. Here goes nothing.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

"Tommy, Jamie. Get in here."

Darius hadn't said a word. I played three songs for him and he just sat there staring at me and then got up and called the guys in. I set the guitar down and tried to stop my hands from shaking.

Jamie and Tom walked in, both looking as nervous as I felt. That can't be a good sign.

"Sit down guys."

"What's up D?"

"Hi Mr. Mills."

Darius sat down behind his desk and leaned back in his chair. He looked at me, then at Jamie and finally at Tom before he spoke, "You were right. She's good, real good. Too good. Hope – Jamie and Tommy tell me that you can't remember who you are, is that right?"

"Yes sir."

"Hmmm, 'cause your voice sounds really familiar. I can't place it but I know I have heard you before – you have a very distinctive voice. I'll tell you what, work with Tommy and Kwest to lay down a few tracks. I want something recorded that I can send around – see if we can't find out who you are and who you are signed with. You are going to be an artist here but we're not signing anything until I know for sure you aren't already under contract."

I'm what? He's going to what? I'm going to be a what here?

Jamie clapped me on the back and grinned, "This is great! This is so cool! I knew it! Congratulations Hope!"

"Wait a minute, D. You think you've heard Hope sing somewhere else?"

"I'm sure of it and no one gets by singing and writing like that without being in the biz. Someone will know her. Hope, I want you to stick close to G-Major. When you are finished with the demo you can do some odd jobs around here, I'm sure we can keep you busy…do you have a regular job yet?"

"No sir."

"You do now. Tommy, go see Kwest and get Mason's album finished. I want it done by the time you leave. You'll spend tomorrow working with Hope."

I left Darius's office with Jamie and Tom, in a complete daze. Tom rushed off to find Kwest and Jamie sat me down on the couch, "How are you doing Hope?"

"I don't know."

"You realize how fantastic this is, don't you? Not only does Darius love your stuff but he may be able to help you figure out who you are. This is huge!"

"Yeah, I know…it is huge…and scary…and exciting…"

I was still trying to process everything that had just happened, everything that may be happening, when Spied bounded over to the couch with a plate in his hand.

"Dude – you were in there for a _long_ time! How did it go?"

"Hey Spied, it went pretty well. Darius wants me to record some stuff."

"Sweet! Here, I made you a sandwich – thought you might be hungry,"

I took the plate Spied had thrust in my face, "Thanks, that's really thoughtful of you."

"No problem dude, you can't rock on an empty stomach! So, you're going to be working here now, eh? Wally will be _very_ happy to hear that!"

At the mention of his name, Wally poked his head around the corner, "What about me?"

"You are going to be happy, man – Hope is going to be working here! She will be a lady of song with G-Major!"

"Wow! Congratulations Hope! Hey! Kyle! KYLE! Guess what!!!!"

"What?" came a yell from somewhere down the hall.

"Hope's gonna be working here!"

"Cool! Ask her if she wants to go in on Pizza Fridays!"

Wally turned to look at me, his eyebrows raised, "Pizza Fridays Hope? They are pretty awesome!"

I laughed and looked at Jamie, "Sure Wally, Pizza Fridays sound great.'

"KYLE! She's in!"

"Awesome! Tell her she has to pay for the first one – its initiation or something."

"KYLE! I CAN HEAR YOU!"

"Oh! Ha! I was just kidding!"

Jamie shook his head at SME's antics as he grabbed my hand, "How about that tour now?"

"Sounds great, Jamie. Spied – would you like this yummy, yummy sandwich some kind gentleman made for me? I'm not all that hungry right now."

"Gentleman? Oh, you mean me! Heck yeah, I'll take it!"

Jamie and I left Spied and Wally arguing over the sandwich and made our way through G-Major. Jamie showed me Tom's office and a studio that wasn't being used. We went up some stairs and into a room chocked full of all kinds of clothes, shoes and jewellery. Ah, this must be where Portia lives.

A stunning woman emerged from behind a rack and started at our appearance, "Oh, you scared the shit out of me! Hi Jamie. You must be Hope, right?"

"Yes, and you must be Portia. It's wonderful to finally meet you," I stuck my hand out, "Thank you again for lending me all of those clothes, it was very generous of you!"

"It was no trouble at all Hope, I'm just glad they fit. Tom spent about an hour with various mannequins trying to tell me what size you were. I figured you were either a Barbie doll or a cartoon character."

I laughed, "There were some interesting sizes."

"I'm just glad it all worked for you. Welcome to the G-Major family!"

"You know?"

"Word travels fast at G-Major!"

"I guess so!"

Jamie's cell phone rang and he excused himself, first making sure I'd be okay with one of his looks. I nodded at Jamie and turned back to Portia, "Do you need any help with anything?"

"As a matter of fact I just got a bunch of new stuff a local store sent over. Do you want to have some fun?"

Portia and I spent the better part of 3 hours trying on clothes and giggling like we had been friends forever. I can't tell you how refreshing it was to spend some time with a female!

At one point I was modelling a very skimpy dress when Kwest walked by. He stuck his head in the door and wolf-whistled, "Good Lord Hope – you good enough to eat! Damn! I wish we knew how old you are – I don't want to go to jail for what I'm thinking right now!"

"Watch it Kwest!" Tom walked in the room, "You're in the presence of ladies."

"Don't worry, Tom. I'm not jailbait, I'll be 20 next week."

Tom, Kwest and Portia stared at me, mouths agape. Tom recovered first, "You'll what?"

"I'm 19," I said nonchalantly, "I'll be 20 in 4 days."

Then it hit me and I squealed, "I'M 19!! I'M 19!!! Ohmygoodness! I'M 19!!!!!"

I started jumping up and down and hugging everyone in sight, "I'M 19!!!!!"

Kwest punched his hand in the air, "Man, this means you've been legal this whole time! Shoot! I should have come by Jamie's!"


	18. Chapter 18

**Chapter 18**

"You know we're going to have a party!"

Jamie and I were back at the apartment enjoying a calm moonless evening out on the balcony. The rest of the day at G-Major had been a whirlwind of hugs and congratulations and, thanks to SME, outlandish plans for celebrating my upcoming birthday.

We talked non-stop during supper – about Darius, my music, my new job at G-Major, my dream at the hospital, my new knowledge of myself. It was overwhelming and indescribable. We were both over the moon!

"I don't know, Jamie. I can't think about that right now. Too much has happened too quickly."

"But it's great stuff, Hope – it's amazing stuff! I am so proud of you and so happy for you."

"Thanks Jamie, I don't know what I'd do without you. Ah! I just can't stop smiling!"

Jamie leaned over and gave me a bear hug, "That's what family is for, sis."

I hugged Jamie back and smiled into his neck. I couldn't believe my good fortune – everything was going perfectly!

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Tom and Kwest finished Mason's album (whom I still hadn't been able to meet!) and we were hard at work on my demo. It was strange, at first, sitting in a room full of equipment with Tom and Kwest staring at me through glass. I got over my awkwardness rapidly though, and it very quickly became a matter of either Tom or Kwest dragging me out of the studio for breaks. I didn't want to leave!

I was feeling more and more at home at G-Major and grew increasingly close to everyone there. I didn't see much of Darius – he appeared to be a pretty busy guy – but when I did see him he would look at me so curiously, like he was trying to figure out a puzzle.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Before I knew it, the weekend was almost upon us and it was my 20th birthday. I hadn't been able to talk Jamie out of a party and everyone was coming over to the apartment that night to celebrate. I was so excited!

When I got to the studio that morning, there were roses from Jamie, a bunch of Happy Birthday balloons from Tom and a foot-long sub from SME. Kwest told me he'd gone all out, but I would have to wait 'till the party to see what he got me. It told him that as long as it wasn't a stripper pole, I'd be thrilled with whatever he got. I laughed when be blushed and muttered, "I shouldn't have told Wally about that idea," while he hurried away.

Jamie and Tom were in with Darius when I arrived, they had both been called in early for some big thing.

I settled myself on the couch and began to flip through a magazine. I paused and went back a few pages, unsure of what had caught my eye…

Time stopped.

I felt frozen to the couch and couldn't breathe.

The magazine crumpled in my hand as I groped blindly for my purse.

I had to get out of there.

I ran all the way to the apartment, struggling for breath… tears streaming down my face… fighting with all of my being the thoughts invading my mind.

I slammed the apartment door shut behind me and bolted it. I collapsed to the floor sobbing.

No.

This can't be happening.

I stumbled to my room and began yanking open drawers and the closet – haphazardly throwing clothes on the bed. My stomach heaved and I ran to the bathroom to throw up.

Sinking to the bathroom floor, I clutched my head and tried to stop the barrage of images, smells and memories that were washing over me.

I don't know how long I lay there, curled in the fetal position with my heart breaking into a million pieces, but I was shaken back to reality when the phone began to ring.

It was then that I made my decision. There was nothing else I could do.

I got up and looked in the mirror. I recognized the face I saw staring back at me, but I was looking at a stranger, "Jude." I whispered.

I closed my eyes to steady myself and went back to my room. I grabbed a bag and threw whatever I could into it.

Digging through my dresser my eyes fell on a picture sitting on top. It was a beautiful photo of Jamie, Tom and I at the zoo. We all looked so happy…

I couldn't bear to see those smiling eyes change to looks of shock and revulsion. I slammed my hand into the picture to knock it over, the glass broke and cut into my hand but I welcomed the pain.

I wrapped my hand in a t-shirt, picked up my bag and my purse and left my room for the last time. I stopped at the door and turned back. After all this, after everything Jamie has done for me he at least deserved a note.

_"I'm sorry Jamie. By the time you read this I'll be gone. Trust me, this is the best thing for all of us, I hope you'll understand in time. I promise I will try to explain one day._

_All my love and gratitude,  
Hope."_


	19. Chapter 19

**  
Chapter 19**  
_The song used in this chapter is"Grace" by Kate Havnevik_

_"Looking back I know how cowardly I was. They say hindsight is 20-20, right? It was unfair and hurtful of me to disappear and desert the closest thing I knew to family. I wouldn't be surprised if neither Jamie, nor Tom, ever wanted to speak to me again. What I did was unforgivable._

_Looking back, I see that I could have made better choices, difference decisions. Looking back I know what a huge mistake I made and I have few excuses._

_I was so scared and so unprepared for what happened to me that morning, six long months ago. I didn't know how to handle it and I made the wrong choice. I was ashamed of what I was remembering and couldn't endure the disappointment and aversion I was sure I would face._

_I didn't want them to know the truth._

_Looking back, I realize that knowing the truth was the best thing that could have happened to me._

_I am a different person now, different from who I was in my former life and different from Hope too. It's been a hard journey but one I am so thankful I had to take. I thank God every day that I didn't have to make it alone and that He brought such wonderful people into my life at its darkest point._

_They saved my life; it's as simple as that. _

_Jamie would never acknowledge it, but he really did save me. I was drowning in more ways than any of us could have ever imagined and he gave me breath so I could begin swimming again. I will never be able to repay him for what he did for me, and I will never stop thanking him in my heart._

_If Jamie gave me breath, then Tom gave me strength. He gave me the strength the break the surface and find land after I had been swimming for far too long. I don't know when it happened, or why, but I fell in love with that maddening man and it pains me to think I may have hurt him._

_I have done some terrible things in my life, but I regret nothing as much as I regret what I did that day. I can only pray that one day I will be forgiven._

_THE END."_

Jamie swiped at the tears running down his face and closed the manuscript he had been reading for the past few hours. He got up abruptly; the manuscript falling to the floor. He paced the apartment, studiously avoiding the second bedroom.

He picked up the phone and put it down again as if unsure of what he was doing, went back to the living room and picked up the papers looking at the cover in amazement. "_Breaking the Surface: A Search for My Memories. An unpublished work by Jude Harrison_."

He traced his fingers over the name and sighed, the tears falling once again. He smelled the paper and weighed the stack of pages in his hands as if trying to convince himself that it was real.

It had been six months, 3 weeks and 2 days since she left. Jamie thought he'd never hear from her again.

He thought back to that day, and the crushing panic he felt.

When Hope had disappeared from work Jamie tried calling her at the apartment. After there was no answer and Hope hadn't been heard from in over an hour he started to get a little worried.

He was anxious to find her - he had news. Darius had called him and Tommy in that morning to discuss a possible lead as to Hope's identity. A colleague in L.A. had listened to a song that Hope had recorded over the phone and was sure he knew the voice. Darius was going to send him the full demo as soon as it was finished and they were all feeling very confident that they were on to something.

Jamie had decided to stop at the apartment in case Hope was there, but was altogether unprepared for what he was going to find.

He opened the door and immediately knew something was different, something was off.

He called out her name only to be met with a chilling silence.

Her room was a disaster. There were clothes all over the place and a broken picture on the dresser. He looked closer and saw blood on the broken glass and a smeared bloody hand print on the mirror as if someone had struck it.

Jamie was dialing Tom's cell phone number, fearing that something terrible had happened to Hope (did she leave the door unlocked again?) when he walked into his bedroom and saw the note placed on his pillow.

He picked it up and began to read it just as Tom answered the phone, "What is it Jamie, have you found something?"

Jamie could only choke out the words, "Yes. I'm at home." Before he dropped the phone and fell to his knees clutching the note from Hope.

They had all looked for her, even Darius. It was a terror filled week with police, hospitals, tears and anger before they finally gave up.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Jamie tried to get back to normal, knowing in his heart that Hope had to be okay, at least physically, and that she'd contact him when she was able.

As the weeks turned to months he gradually gave up hope and tried to get used to life without her.

He was surprised at how hard Tom seemed to take Hope's disappearance. At first he was so angry and almost triumphant, telling Jamie that he knew all along that she was bad news and that they were all better off without her.

While time dragged on with no word, he grew increasingly despondent and refused to even mention her name. The tracks that she had been laying mysteriously disappeared after an evening that Tom had been working late alone.

Jamie had a feeling he knew what had happened to the music, but could never seem to talk to Tom about it. Something had changed in their relationship too and Tom spent more and more time alone.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Jamie turned over the front cover and looked at the words scrawled across the blank page in the familiar writing,

_"I'll understand if you don't… but just in case, here's my email address." _

He carefully tore the page away and set it on his desk. He placed the manuscript in a bag and walked to his door trying to figure out if he was doing the right thing.

When he got to Tommy's apartment he hesitated and then knocked, hoping that he'd would be home.

The door opened and Jamie stared at Tommy, unable to find the words.

"Hi Jamie, what's up?"

Jamie was about to speak when his ears caught a faint whisper of something familiar, something muffled coming from Tom's apartment,

___I feel the cold  
Loneliness unfold  
Like from another world_

___Come what may  
I won't fade away  
But I know I might change  
_

"Are you listening to one of Hope's songs?"

Tom stepped out into the hallway and shut the door to his apartment, shutting out the familiar strains. "No."

"Oh, sorry, I just thought I heard…never mind. Um, Tom, we need to talk."


	20. Chapter 20

_A quick note: most of this chapter is emails, however, I had a problem formatting them, so please bear with me. :)_

**Chapter 20**

From: James Andrews

Sent: Thursday, November 8, 2007 7:08 PM

To: Jude Harrison

Subject: I don't know where to start

-------------------------------------

Hi Hope,

I guess I should probably be writing "Hi Jude" but I'm not quite used to that yet.

I got your package the other day. I don't know what to say . . . I guess I am still processing everything.

I just wanted you to know that I got it and I read it. I gave it to Tommy this afternoon, I hope you don't mind but I think he should read it too.

I took your email address out though, not sure if you wanted him to have it.

I guess I'll talk to you soon,  
Jamie

P.S. Please write me back and tell me that you are okay. I need to know if you are okay.

* * *

From: Jude Harrison 

Sent: Thursday, November 8, 2007 10:53 PM

To: Jamie

Subject: RE: I don't know where to start

------------------------------------------

Oh Jamie, I am so glad you wrote! I didn't think you would.

I am so sorry about everything; I can't even begin to tell you how sorry.

I am pretty okay, much better now that I have heard from you.

I promised I would explain everything and I will, if you want me to.

I still love you,  
Hope (Jude)

* * *

From: James Andrews 

Sent: Saturday, November 10, 2007 9:17 AM

To: Hope Andrews

Subject: I want to know everything

-------------------------------------

Hope (is it okay if I still call you Hope? I don't know who Jude is),

I can't tell you how relieved I am to hear you are okay. The last six months have been hell, with no word from you at all.

I still want you to tell me what happened; I was so scared when I saw your room and the blood. You terrified me and I need to know why you did what you did.

The Hope I know couldn't have done that without a damn good reason and I know in my heart that you wouldn't have done this to us if you knew another way.

I am still here for you Hope; you know I always will be.

I need to know what happened before I can talk to you about what you sent. I have a lot of questions but I know that I have to understand what happened to you before I can try to get any answers.

I hope this makes sense.

I still love you too,  
Your brother.

* * *

From: Jude Harrison 

Sent: Saturday, November 10, 2007 1:34 PM

To: Jamie

Subject: Let me tell you a story

------------------------------------

You can call me Hope, Jamie. I will always be Hope to you. Actually, I'd rather you call me Hope; I like her a lot better than Jude. Let me explain (or try to) why . . .

I guess I'll start on that day . . . I'm not sure where else to start.

I was so happy that morning, it was my 20th birthday and I had already received so many gifts and well wishes. Still on a high from everything that had been happening at G-Major too. You and Tom were in meeting with Darius so I grabbed a magazine and settled in to wait.

I don't remember exactly what caught my eye in the magazine and I don't know what happened to it, but something was there that triggered a deluge of memories. It was too much, too fast and I panicked big time.

I ran back to the apartment and tried (and failed) to deal with the memories. The problem was, Jamie that I didn't like what I was remembering. I was scared that you and Tom wouldn't like the person I turned out to be and I lost control. The only solution I could think of was to run away. . . I guess I'm pretty good at that.

Now here comes the hard part. At least for me, and maybe for you . . .

My name is Jude Harrison and I am 20 years old. I am an orphan, my parents died in a car wreck when I was 8 years old. I have no siblings and no other family anywhere. My family was well off and I was raised by nannies and housekeepers.

I have no friends and no real relationships, which explains why no one was looking for me.

It's not that I'm a loner, it's because I am a bitch. A Class-A bitch.

When I was lying on your bathroom floor sobbing into the tiles I was crying because I was ashamed of what I was remembering. I didn't like the person I discovered I was. . .

Right now I have a house in L.A. and one in New York, I have cars and clothes and tones of stuff but I lead an empty, fake life. The day I left I had some sort of breakdown and I fired my agent, my manager and my personal assistant. I told my housekeeper I was going on an extended vacation, packed my bags and left. No one knew where I was or how long I'd be gone and frankly, no one cared.

I'm a horrible person, Jamie. I am superficial, rude, cruel and a user. I have stepped on a lot of people to advance my career, even at such a young age. I have hurt so many people and I think I've pretty much ruined some lives.

A lot of what happened in Toronto makes sense now, the songs, the guitar . . . everything. It's what I do Jamie. I am a songwriter first and foremost. I have recorded a few things, but mostly I write. I usually sell my songs under assumed names and I am very good at what I do – just very private I guess…isolated. It was just another nail in the coffin so to speak, another reason no one was looking for Jude Harrison, or really noticed she had vanished.

I don't know what else to tell you. I have been busy getting my affairs in order and trying to fix what I can in this messed up life I created for myself. I have accepted who I was (who I am?) but have learned that guilt isn't always assuaged by acceptance – I am filled with remorse and self-loathing.

I'll understand if you never want to see me again, Jamie. I'm not sure I would want to see myself if I had a choice.

I am so sorry for everything I have put you through.

All my love,  
Hope

* * *

Jamie leaned back in his chair and tried to take in everything he had just read. Who _was_ this Jude Harrison? It didn't sound anything like Hope. He felt bad for Hope, the woman who had quickly and profoundly taken hold of his heart… his sister…. but he was stunned by what she had revealed about herself in the email.

Jamie was still staring at his computer screen when there was a pounding at the door. He went to the door and before he could open it completely, Tommy forced his way into the apartment clutching Jude's manuscript like a piece of evidence.

"Where is she?"

"Do you mean Hope?"

"No! I mean _Jude_. Where is she?"

"Tommy," Jamie sighed and sat down on the couch, "I don't know where she is."

"That's bull Jamie; she sent this to _you_, if she didn't tell you where she is there as at least a postmark on the package. Don't lie to me!"

"I'm not lying Tommy. She hasn't told me where she is and I didn't know who the package was from when I got it, I threw the box out without looking at the postmark."

"STOP LYING! Tell me where the bitch is!"

"Don't you dare call Hope a bitch, Tommy."

"DON'T CALL HER THAT! Don't you get it?" Tommy slammed the manuscript on the table, "There never was a Hope – she doesn't exist."

"Tommy, listen to me. Wherever she is right now, whatever she is doing… whoever she was before she came to us – she is still Hope. She will always be our Hope, nothing can change that."

Jamie paused as he listened to his own words, and realized that he was talking to himself as much as he was talking to Tommy. I'm right, he thought, regardless of whom or what Jude Harrison is…Hope is my sister and I love her unconditionally.

"Tommy, she made a mistake. She ran – but after reading what she wrote, can you blame her? She freaked out."

"Of course I can blame her; she's the one that left. How can you be okay with this all of a sudden?"

"I'm not, I still hurt, Tommy… and I know you do too. I know you can't be okay with some of the stuff you read, but are you really that shocked by all of it? You know what I'm talking about – I don't know if _you _realized it, but I knew it all along Tommy. I think she fell in love with you before she even left the hospital."

"I don't want to talk about that. It's all lies; she's just trying to get back into your heart… she wants something."

"I don't think so Tommy, I think it was really hard for her to write that… and to send it. She had to know I'd give it to you."

"I just don't get it, why are you defending her Jamie?"

"I guess I have learned a few things lately that have helped me understand a little better."

"What do you mean?"

"Tommy, I have to tell you something. I have been writing to Hope, um, Jude. She sent an email address with the story and I wrote her."

Tommy let out a huge breath and collapsed onto the couch, "Is she okay? What is she doing? Where is she Jamie?"

"She's okay Tommy. I think she is scared, and ashamed… and lonely. I really don't know where she is Tommy, but I think she's in the States."

"Why did she leave Jamie? What was so bad that she couldn't face us?"

For the first time since he had known him, Jamie sat and watched helplessly as his friend began to cry.


	21. Chapter 21

**  
Chapter 21**

From: James Andrews

Sent: Monday, November 12, 2007 11:03 PM

To: Hope Andrews

Subject: RE: Let me tell you a story

------------------------------------------------

I'm sorry it took me so long to reply, Hope. I've had to do some thinking and Tommy came over Saturday. We spent a long time talking. I haven't seen too much of him since you left, and we had a great deal to discuss... but thats for another email.

I'm not going to lie and say I wasn't surprised or shocked by what you told me...I was, and am...but I'm going to tell you what I told Tommy. Whoever you are, wherever are, you are still my (our) Hope. Nothing can change that. You are my sister, and I love you no matter what.

I feel really bad that you thought you couldn't tell me the truth and know that I would be there for you. Nothing you could ever do would change how I feel about you.

I cant imagine what you have been going through, and I wish I could have been there to help you through it. I'm so sorry you have felt so alone.

I need to see you again, Hope. I need to touch you and hug you and prove to myself that you are okay.

I want to talk to you face to face; I want to reassure you that you do have a family that cares about you.

Hmm, I just noticed that I have started every paragraph in this email with I perhaps I am a little too self-involved right now! Haha.

Think about it, please. Maybe I can do something to help you feel like you have your life back on track, maybe I can help you start to assuage the guilt you feel. Don't hate yourself, Hope. You may have done some bad things in your past, but the present and the future are all about making choices. You don't have to be that person anymore...you aren't that person anymore.

I love you Hope, no matter what you do. If you don't know anything else, if you don't trust anything else, then know that and trust that.

Hugs,  
Jamie

* * *

From: Jude Harrison 

Sent: Tuesday, November 13, 2007 3:16 AM

To: Jamie

Subject: I don't deserve you

--------------------------------------------------

I am sitting here, at my computer, crying. I don't deserve you Jamie - you are too good to me! And no, you are so not self-involved! You are the LEAST self-involved person I know!!! Hee hee, it made me laugh though.

I'm sorry I didn't trust you and I am sorry I doubted the depth of your love, I know now without a doubt that I made a mistake. I am glad to hear that you and Tom talked, and I am so sorry if I was the cause of the strain in your friendship - that was the last thing I wanted to do.

I've been trying not to think about Tom, or at least how I feel about him. It was hard for me to admit. I know its stupid and hopeless, but...I don't know. I can't go back to the past and change things. I don't think Tom ever really liked me and all I did was prove his initial suspicions correct. Is he angry with me? Does he even care? Did he read _it_? I know you gave it to him (I figured you would) and that frightened me.

Hell, I've hurt enough people, I deserve this...it will just make me stronger, right?

I want to see you too Jamie but I can't tell you that I'm not still scared. I made a decision this weekend, and I have put both my homes up for sale. I am leaving Jude Harrison behind and starting fresh, I think its something I need to do.

I'm not sure yet where I'll go but I know that I need to leave the trappings of my old life behind me for good or I'll never get past this. Maybe once I'm settled you can come and visit me. I think I still need some time.

Love,  
Hope

* * *

From: James Andrews 

Sent: Tuesday, November 13, 2007 7:18 PM

To: Jude 'Hope Andrews' Harrison

Subject: You deserve me, and so much more

-----------------------------------------------

3 words.

COME TO TORONTO!

Okay, more then 3 words...

I'm going to make this short and sweet because I have to get your room ready again, I am NOT taking no for an answer.

1. I can't explain Tommy to you, and I can't tell you what he is feeling (I'm not sure he knows himself) but I wish I could. I think you are going to have to talk to him yourself (even if neither of you want to do that) but I can tell you that he definitely cares. I can also tell you that I wasn't surprised by your confession I know you and I could read you like a book! (get it?) Don't give up, not just yet.

2. Don't leave Jude Harrison behind. Whether you like it or not, you ARE Jude Harrison. Reinvent her, change her, make her better, but don't abandon her.

3. If you don't know where you are going, then let me tell you. You are coming to Toronto! Where better to reinvent yourself, than in the city where you found yourself? You can build on the good memories you made here and reconnect with all of the people that miss you and love you.

Please come!

Eager to buy your plane ticket,  
Jamie

* * *

From: Jude Harrison 

Sent: Tuesday, November 13, 2007 10:36 PM

To: Jamie

Subject: Lets compromise

-----------------------------------------------

Aww, Jamie I really don't deserve you!

I don't know if I should come back to Toronto, maybe we could meet somewhere in the middle? I don't think I am quite ready to face everyone.

What do you think?

Love,  
Jude (I'm taking what you said to heart Jamie, and I am taking Jude Harrison back!)

P.S. Thank you for what you said about Tom. Would you do me a favor? Could you please tell him I am sorry, tell him...I don't know, just tell him I'm sorry.

* * *

From: James Andrews 

Sent: Wednesday, November 14, 2007 5:21 PM

To: Jude 'Hope Andrews' Harrison

Subject: You know where you need to be

-----------------------------------------------------

Hey Jude (oh good grief, I just made the connection! I'll never do _that_ again!)

I miss you and I'll meet you wherever you want me to but, I urge you to reconsider coming home. I think it would be good for you and Tommy to talk, and I'd like to think that you'd feel comfortable here...

I haven't told anyone at G-Major about what has happened, and that I have found you, but I really want to. Everyone will be thrilled (and I promise, not mad...well, maybe Darius a little...). They have finally stopped asking about you but I know they haven't stopped caring and haven't stopped wondering.

Kwest still has your birthday present, wrapped and sitting on his filing cabinet, waiting for you. So if you are still trying to decide, at least come back to get your gift! Ha ha!

Ultimately, it's up to you and I understand if you just aren't ready but I have your room all set and I have a few days off so we can spend some really good time together.

Come on, please say you'll come!

Love,  
Jamie

P.S. I think you should tell Tommy yourself...in person.

* * *

From: James Andrews 

Sent: Thursday, November 15, 2007 9:53 PM

To: Jude 'Hope Andrews' Harrison

Subject: I'm waiting for you to say yes

-----------------------------------------------

Are you still thinking about it?

What else can I say to convince you?

I know! I promise I'll pick you up at the airport!

Getting the car started,  
Jamie

* * *

From: Jude Harrison 

Sent: Friday, November 16, 2007 4:13 PM

To: Jamie

Subject: Oh, my rubber arm...

----------------------------------------------

You twist good!

Fine. I give.

My flight gets in at 7:55 Wednesday night, Terminal 1, Gate D15 (flight #AC 792)

Please don't tell anyone I'm coming.

Love and slobbery kisses,  
Jude

P.S. You'd better be there to get me!

* * *

Jamie stood at gate D-15 at Pearson International airport. It was 7:58 pm on Wednesday, November 21st and Jude's plane had just landed. He was surprised at how nervous he felt, but excited at the same time. 

As hard as it had been, he'd kept his promise to Jude and told no one she was coming, more or less. Tommy had no idea she was about to be a part of their lives once again. He and Tommy were talking more, sort of. It was hard though, Tommy was broken but either didn't realize it or didn't want to admit it.

Jamie paced in front of the gate trying to figure out how he was going to tell Tommy that Jude was back in Toronto would he even want to see her? Suddenly the doors opened and people began to stream out of the gate.

He scanned the sea of faces, anxiously searching for a familiar one when he saw her. She looked so beautiful and yet so hesitant, Jamie smiled to himself as his eyes began to fill his heart actually hurt, it ached...

No matter what, he thought to himself, she is still my Hope and now she's finally home.

Jude's eyes met Jamie's and she gave him a small smile, with a question in her eyes. Without a moments pause, he leapt over the barrier and gathered her into his arms. She instantly melted against him and the tension seemed to drain out of her.

Clutching each other desperately, they supported one another as emotions took over and tears began to flow

"Welcome home sweetheart."

"Oh, Jamie," she sobbed, "I've missed you so much!"

Jamie pulled back from the embrace and gingerly wiped a tear from Jude's face, "I've missed you too but you're here now. Everything is going to be okay."

"Do you promise?"

"I promise," Jamie whispered as he pulled her into another hug, "I promise."


	22. Chapter 22

**Chapter 22**

Jamie opened the door to the apartment and motioned Jude in. She entered and laughed, turning to Jamie, When did you do this?"

Jamie grinned, "When I sent you the first email asking you to come back to Toronto."

"You mean it's been sitting like this for over a week?!?! I guess Tom hasn't been over." Jude sobered immediately as she realized that she had just mentioned Tom's name, something she had been hoping to avoid for as long as possible.

"No, Tommy hasn't been over to here for a while," Jamie shook his head ruefully, "I've been to his place a couple times, and of course I see him at work...but the last time he was here was that Saturday that you sent the big email, when he and I talked about um, you."

"Mhmm...are the banners homemade?" Jude asked turning to scan the welcome home banners in the living room, "Did you make them yourself? They're great! Um, am I staying in my old room?"

"Uh huh!" Jamie explained proudly, fully aware of what Jude was trying to do, "I got glitter for them too, can you see it? I tried to make them worthy of such a momentous occasion, and sparkly - like you! Oh, and where else would you be staying - you're not getting my room!"

"I know...I was just trying to chance the subject."

"You can't avoid this forever Jude, were - you know what? Never mind, you just got here and we are going to enjoy ourselves for a bit. How about a snack? I know airplane food is crap, so I thought we'd maybe make some nachos and I got a couple bottles of wine."

"Um, the nachos sound great but I'm not sure I need any wine Jamie, I might end up jumping your bones - I don't have the greatest track record with wine, you know!"

Jamie threw his head back and laughed, "Hey it wouldn't be the first time!"

"Are you serious?!?! Your sister hit on you?!?!"

"WHAT?!?! No! Of course not! Good grief, Jude! I meant drunken women - I am a magnet for beer goggles."

"Oh, sorry Jude giggled, "Don't ever tell your sister I said that, okay?"

"You don't need to worry about that, we seldom get a chance to talk and when we do the subjects of my sex life or my friend's brainless comments rarely come up!"

"I'm not sure if that relieves me or creeps me out! It _rarely _comes up?"

"Oh, you be quiet Ms. Harrison! How about some juice instead of wine?"

"You got any vodka in that juice?"

"Oh no, here we go again!"

* * *

Jude and Jamie enjoyed their nachos and spiked juice, talking until the wee hours of the morning. At about 3 am they were struck by a fit of inspiration and decided to form a new band called _J's Attack_. 

"You can sing and Ill be the dancer!"

"I don't know Jamie, have you seen yourself dance?"

"Yeah, but have you heard me sing?"

"Hmmm, good point. Maybe you could just bounce around and give our screaming fans glares, then jump into the song at inopportune moments to rap!"

"Spin Master J!"

"We could get matching outfits and wear headbands!"

"As long as they aren't sparkly - sparkly isn't too manly you know."

They turned on the stereo giggling like little girls and tried to remember the dance that Tommy had taught them both so long ago. They had a blast, bumping into each other and making up increasingly strange and complicated dance moves until they both collapsed onto the couch exhausted.

"Whew, maybe we should work on our choreography a little more, I'm not sure the world is ready for a _J's Attack_ patented spin-turn-lift-gyrate-boogie jump quite yet!"

"Hmmm, it might scare some of the young'uns, and you know we'd just be piling too much pressure on competing bands to keep up with us - someone might get hurt."

"That's a really good point Jamie; maybe we should put _J's Attack_ on the back burner for a bit - I don't want to be responsible for the mass decline in record sales this would create for every other group out there."

"Yeah," Jamie nodded his head seriously, "I would feel so guilty while I was driving my solid gold Hummer. It just wouldn't be fair of us."

Jude giggled and playfully punched Jamie in the arm, "This is fun! I have missed this, Jamie!"

"What? The dancing or my sparking wit?"

"Ha! What is it with you and sparkles tonight?" Jude asked laughing, "I've missed it all!"

"Me too, Jude." Jamie patted Jude on the arm and got up to re-fill their drinks, "It's a good thing I don't have to work tomorrow - or um, today."

"When do you have to go back to work?"

"I only got a few days off, I'm back on Monday. Darius was pretty cool about it though. I had to tell him why I needed some time off, Jude."

"Oh. How was he?"

"I think he was pretty shocked, although it's hard to tell with him...he was, I think he was actually kind of happy in his own way. He'd pretty much figured out who you were - I never told you about that, did I?"

"No" Jude shook her head, curious.

"The day you, um, the day you left, the big meeting that Darius called us in for? Well, he'd played one of your songs over the phone to this guy in L.A. and he was pretty sure he recognized your voice."

"Seriously? Do you know who it was?"

"No, Darius never said."

"Wow. So, even if I hadn't remembered we may have figured everything out anyway."

"Yeah, I think so. Darius was going to send him your demo when it was done. I think it would have just been a matter of time."

"My demo, I almost forgot about that. Do they still have the songs I recorded?"

"Mostly. After some of the masters disappeared, Darius locked the rest in his office."

"Some of the masters disappeared? What happened to them?"

"No one knows...for sure." Jamie paused, wondering how much he should tell Jude, "You know, Jude, there's a lot we aren't talking about and we're going to have to some time...and you're going to have to talk to Tommy at the very least,"

- - -

Jude shook her head, unwilling to acknowledge what Jamie was saying was true, "So, did Darius say anything else when you talked to him?"

Jamie rubbed his eyes, frustrated that Jude was avoiding the mention of anything Tommy related, "Yeah. He said now that you're back after your _personal time_ you are to come to G-Major with me next week. Seeing as he knows who you are, and that you aren't beholden to any company, he wants you for himself. He wants the demo finished so he can try to release you as a solo artist."

"Holy shit!"

Jamie chuckled, "Holy shit is right - you are _good_ Jude, and Darius knows it - I guess you have a lot to think about."

"Yeah, I'm not too sure how I feel about the thought of going back to G-Major after everything."

"I don't think it will be as hard as you may believe. Everyone was so worried about you, Jude. Wally even cried! You made a bigger impact on everyone than I think you realize and from what I saw and heard, I know the music is an important part of you."

Jude glanced at Spied's guitar that was resting by the door to her room, "It was - is, Jamie, but..."

"No buts then, I think you need to do this Jude, even if your music is never released you need to get it out it makes you who you are. You are an amazing person, no matter what you've done in the past. Maybe it can be a healing thing for you, too. Have you thought about that? Do you remember what you told me about the first song you wrote here, and how it made you feel? Remember that - think about it. If you can't do it any other way, you can reinvent yourself through your music and show the world who the _real_ Jude Harrison is."

Jude looked at the guitar again, thinking...wondering. Jamie made sense even if she didn't want to admit it, but could she really do it? Could she go back to G-Major - back to where Tom worked - and change her life? Could music really be that powerful?

Jamie knew; he could see it in her face. Jude was coming around and he appreciated how hard it must be for her to consider going back to G-Major. He also knew that it would be a good move for her and may make all the difference in the world.

"And Jude, that guitar? It's yours now. Spied told me to keep it for when you came back, he was so sure you were coming back. It was going to be your birthday present from him."

Jude started to cry and leaned into Jamie, "I don't deserve any of this. I don't deserve a second chance like this."

"Everyone - _everyone,_ deserves a second chance, Jude. You just have to make the choice to accept it and use it be the person you know you really are. I'm not saying it will be easy, Jude, but it will be _so_ worth it in the end."

- - -

"I know you're right Jamie, I'm just so scared. What if I can't do it? What if I turn back into the old Jude? What if everyone hates the music? Hates me?"

"It won't happen, Jude. You won't let it and I wont let it." Jamie smiled down at Jude's head buried in his shirt and stroked her hair. "You know in your heart that you've changed sweetie, you wouldn't have reacted to your memories the way you did if you were still like that."

"Mmmm." came the muffled reply.

"You have changed into something beautiful, you are a good person and you are important to so many of us. I think you are loved by a lot of people here...You know Jude, I wasn't sure if I should tell you this, but I think Tommy took your songs I could have sworn I heard them playing in his apartment. He was so angry when you left; I don't think he's ever been that outraged - or scared," Jamie thought back to the day he told Tommy that he'd been emailing Jude, "Jude, honey, Tommy cried when he found out you were okay. I've never seen him cry."

- - -

Jamie looked down to see if Jude had reacted to this news about Tommy, curious to see if she understood what he was trying to tell her. He looked down and saw that Jude was cuddled into his side, fast asleep. He sighed to himself, pulled a blanket over them and drifted off to sleep holding her tightly.


	23. Chapter 23

**Chapter 23**  
_The song used in this chapter is Unintended by Muse_

Jude woke up the next morning, still in Jamie's arms, and couldn't remember where she was for a moment. She smiled as she recalled meeting Jamie at the airport, the welcome home signs and the yummy nachos...oh! The juice - shit! Thinking of her last post-alcohol morning, she gingerly tested her body...all systems go! Yay! She felt more refreshed then she had in a long time, which was surprising considering the amount they had consumed the night before.

She stretched and looked over at Jamie only to find him looking sleepily back at her, "Morning."

"Good morning. How are you feeling?" Jamie looked closely into Jude's eyes, trying to figure out if she had been asleep during his confession about Tommy. He couldn't tell for sure.

"Mmm, pretty good, actually - no hangover!" There was nothing in Jude's eyes or her demeanour that showed she had heard anything.

"Halleluiah! Do you remember everything about last night?"

"Sure do!" Jude said with a snigger, "_J's Attack_ - what were we thinking?"

"I suppose it was the _juice_ thinking for us, but when I really stop to consider it I'm sure were on to something!"

"Or just plain_ on _something."

Jamie laughed and poked at Jude, "Are you saying we aren't ready to go public?"

"No, I'm saying the _public_ isn't ready for us to go public!"

"Hmmm, maybe we should soften them up a bit first, what about t-shirts?"

"Jamie, you're such a dork!"

"Ah, yes - but a loveable one!" Jamie's smile faded a little as he realized that Jude really had been asleep when he had told her about Tommy. He sighed and figured that maybe it was for the best. Jude had enough to work out, and worry about, to add Tommy to the mix right now. But time was not on their side; Monday would be here soon enough.

Jamie shook his head and smiled down at Jude, "Are you hungry?"

"Famished!"

"Me too, let's get cleaned up and Ill take you out for breakfast."

* * *

Jude made her way to her bedroom to unpack a few things and get ready to go out. She stopped at her dresser and ran her hands across the picture of the three of them at the zoo. Jamie had replaced the frame and put it right back where it belonged, she smiled wistfully as she touched Tom's face.

Jamie is right; I _do_ need to talk to him...before I go back to G-Major - but what do I do? I can't just go knock on his door and say, Surprise! What I need to do is hit him over the head with something and then get him into a bathtub. Mmmmm _that_ would be interesting!

"Jude!" Jamie called from somewhere in the apartment, "Are you just about ready to go? I could really use some coffee!"

At the mention of coffee, all thoughts of Tom rushed out of Jude's head and she hurriedly threw some clothes on and brushed her hair. "Let me just brush me teeth and were all set."

Jamie and Jude left the apartment and headed for a nearby diner. Jamie didn't feel safe until they were seated in their booth; he was so worried about running into Tommy before he could warn him that Jude was back in town.

While they sipped their coffee and waited for their meal, they sat silently, both lost in their own thoughts.

"I've been thinking about what you said, Jamie"

"About what? The _J's Attack_ shirts?"

"Yes!" Jude laughed, "I really am going to make us some, you know!"

"I wouldn't have it any other way; its a perfect opportunity to drum up awareness before we unleash ourselves onto the unsuspecting public!"

"Aww, poor public they have no idea what they're in for! No one is safe when J's attack!" Jude giggled, remembering how much fun they'd had, "Seriously though, Jamie. I know you are right about talking to Tom. I just don't know how to do it - he doesn't even know I am here, does he?"

"No, I didn't tell him. I wasn't sure how to - I'm still not. I just know that he can't find out when you show up at G-Major on Monday. I'm not sure he'd forgive either of us for that."

"No he wouldn't. I think you are going to have to tell him, before I see him. Maybe you can soften him up or something."

"Heh, I'm not sure anything can soften Tommy up right now."

"Oh, Jamie, this is such a mess. I just don't know what to do."

"We'll figure something out, Jude."

* * *

Back at the apartment, Jude sat out on the balcony with another cup of coffee while Jamie took a shower. She looked out at the familiar street while she absently strummed on the guitar...her guitar.

"_I'm busy mending broken pieces of the life I had before_," she sang softly to herself, "_You could be my unintended... you should be the one I'll always love_."

She sighed and set the guitar down, still trying to think of a way to talk to Tom and not make him any angrier than he already was, and not undo everything they had begun to build before she left. She heard the shower stop and went back into the kitchen to re-fill her mug and pour a cup of coffee for Jamie.

"I got you a cup of coffee Jamie; I'm out on the balcony."

"K, thanks! I'll be out in a sec."

Jamie joined Jude out on the balcony and saw she had the guitar and her notebook out, "Working on something new?"

"Hmmm?" Jude looked at her notebook, "No, not really, just exorcizing demons, I guess."

"Can I hear it?"

"It's not really anything to hear yet, just some random words...its actually from a while ago, before I even sent you the story."

"So you've been working on if for quite some time?"

"Yes and no, this is just a page I turn to when..."

"When what?"

Jude sighed and looked at Jamie, "When I am frustrated, when I'm thinking about Tom."

"Hmm. I'll bet that happens a lot."

Jude laughed mournfully, "More than I'd wish, but like I said, its just random stuff."

"Just random words, huh? Can I read it?"

Jude handed her notebook to Jamie and moved to the edge of the balcony, looking down at all the people going about their lives - no worries, places to go, things to do. I'll bet none of their lives are so messed up.

"Tommy, eh?" Jamie interrupted Jude's musings, "I can tell this is all about Tommy."

Jude sat back down next to Jamie, "That obvious?"

"No great leap, at least not for me," Jamie grinned, "it's really good."

"That's really nice of you to say Jamie, but it's just..."

"Demons?"

"Yeah, demons."

"Well, demons can be good, if you get rid of them. Why don't you finish it - who knows, it may help us figure out what to do...at the very least you might feel better. It's worth a try, right?"

- - -

"Jude, you know it's in you, just waiting to get out. I'm going to go back inside and play on the computer or something. Why don't you stay out here and see what happens?"

* * *

An hour later, Jude rushed into the apartment to find Jamie, "I'm done, you were right! I know what to do!"

Jamie whirled around from the computer, "Already? That was fast!"

"Hey, when you're inspired, you're inspired!"

"Awesome! I'm really happy for you, Jude!"

Jude gave Jamie a big grin, "And I think I have an idea too, something that might make Tom a little more receptive to seeing me!"

"Seriously?!?! Jude, you rock! So, what do you want to do first - tell me what were going to do, or play the song for me?"

"Song first, brilliant genius plan second."

"Fire away genius!"

Jude played the song for Jamie and then explained her plan, "What do you think?"

"Well, first, the song is magnificent - I love it Jude! It's beautiful! Second, the plan is risky to say the least."

"Yeah, it might backfire but I can't think of anything else to do."

Jamie bit his lip, "Are you sure you want to do this? He might get pretty upset if he finds out how we did it later."

"I know, but...I cant just pop up in front of his face on Monday - maybe this will be a way to ease him into it."

"Okay, Jude, but well have to work fast!"


	24. Chapter 24

**Chapter 24 **  
_The song used in this chapter is "Unintended" by Muse (slightly altered to fit the story better),_

I can't believe I drank that much, again! Ohhh, I need to get to a bathroom!

What was that girl's name? Sara? Suzie? Sophie? It started with an S I think...no. No, it was a P...Penny? Pam? Peter? No! That's not a girl's name.

Oh, the spins...I hate the spins!

Damn it! Did my lock get changed?!?! What the hell?

Ooof!

What the hell is that? Something hit my foot, or did my foot hit something. Hmmm, damn foot - you are always getting me in trouble! Hitting things, shoving yourself in my mouth!

Damn door! Why won't you - oh, my foot...yeah...

Oh shit, I have to bend down. Maybe I'll just leave it there, it's probably dead anyway.

Steady...ohhh, spins...I hate the spins! I think I'll just sit here for a bit. Yeah, that's a good idea. Sit. Breathe.

Ohhh, not too deeply! Bad breathing! Where the heck is that bathroom?!?! I ordered one ages ago!

Hmm, a note? Wonder what it says...

_"Iguhs Thehsdnk Uohdsuhf.  
- Osihgwr"_

Huh? Better try that again...

_"Pahfsh, Gsihjskhf srghi ywoer.  
- Wighh"_

Confusing...makes no sense, no sense at all. Oh well, maybe it just says my lock was changed.

I want a sandwich, or some pizza. Pizza is good...but not with anchovies, I don't like anchovies.

Why am I sitting outside my apartment? I should really go in, this doesn't looks so good. Hmm, I'll just take the note inside - Ill have to show it to the super and tell him not to change my locks without asking me first. Inconsiderate, just down right rude!

Ow! Now my hand is out get me! What this hell is this?

Oh, maybe its the new key. That would make sense...

Can't reach the lock from here...why is it so damn high? Wait, thats not a key! Where are my keys? They were here a second ago...don't tell me they ran off again!

Ohhhh, damn spins GO AWAY!

Oh! There they are...come back here! There, just a little higher...

Ahhh, door, thank you. I knew you wouldn't disappoint me! I love you!

Now what? I can't stand up with stuff in my hands...Maybe if I put the note and the box in one hand...come on hands, cooperate!

Hmmm, thats not gonna work...crawl! I'll crawl - I used to crawl, Ill bet I was good at it too...I'm good at everything!

There we go! Good job, everyone working together. I am so proud of you! Just a little farther...

Couch?

Bathroom?

Phone! Pizza!

No...bathroom! Now!

Hey! Whats this? There is paper in my hand! Hand, you've been holding out on me! What have you got there?  
_  
"This came for you.  
- Jamie"_

Jamie? What came for me? Why would Jamie come for me? He knows where I live...I live right here.

Ohhhhh, _this_ came for me, my other hand was hiding it! I get it! Huh, neat...

What was I doing again? Oh, yeah, bathroom. That's a really good idea...

* * *

"Do you think he got it yet? Will he call you, or...come over? What do you think he's going to do?"

"I'm sure he got it, Jude. It's almost 11am - he's probably at work. He'll call or something, don't worry."

* * *

"Tommy! What the hell is wrong with you today? Are you hung-over...again?"

"No D, just...tired. I'm fine."

"You'd better be! You're skating on thin ice, Quincy, pull it together!"

"Yeah, D, no problem. I got it."

Tommy sighed and looked at the tape in his hand for the millionth time. He found it next to his toilet this morning...it was from Jamie...apparently it came for him...

Was it from _her_?

Should he listen to it?

He fingered the tape and reached for the stereo but pulled back at the last second. No, later...not yet

* * *

"It's six o'clock Jamie. He's not calling."

"It's not that late, Jude. Maybe he just had to work longer...or something."

"No, it's done. It was a bad idea...I screwed up."

* * *

Tommy sighed as he looked around his apartment that evening, pizza? I don't remember ordering pizza...

He sat down on his couch and looked at the tape sitting on the coffee table, trying to work up the courage to listen to it. Was it a message? Was it from _her...pretending _to explain everything?

He closed his eyes and thought back to the last time he'd seen her...she looked so beautiful, her eyes shinning with pure joy as she sang into the mic on the other side of the glass. She was so...at peace. She belonged in that studio...

He'd watched a lot of people from the control room, and had seldom seen someone take to it so quickly and so completely. She was truly alive when she was signing; she looked like an angel as she poured her heart and soul into the songs.

He and Kwest had teased her about her birthday coming up the next day, telling her she was getting old and she'd be too busy to work on her demo. He chuckled as he recalled her adorable pout..._No way! Ill never be too busy to come in here with you guys_ she told them with her arms crossed...

Then she smiled...

...he remembered how his breath caught and he just couldn't tear his eyes away from her mouth, that mouth he could remember with such clarity...with so much pleasure and so much pain.

Then she was gone.

Poof!

His heart froze when Jamie showed him the note. He couldn't even begin to comfort his friend; he was too consumed with rage. He was too hurt.

She was just...gone. No trace of her, no matter how hard they all searched. He couldn't face Jamie after they stopped looking; he couldn't bear the grief in his eyes, or listen to him talk about her.

He couldn't loose himself in work either...all he could see was _her _in the studio, hear her laughing or singing...stupid, he was obsessed with a ghost, a mirage. She didn't really exist - she never did.

The songs were torture, he took them telling himself he would destroy them - destroy all that was left of her...hoping he could finally rid himself of her. He couldn't do it, though. He couldn't bring himself to give her up...to give up all he had left of her.

She ran. She made the choice to run. It didn't mean anything to her, Jamie didn't mean anything, G-Major didn't mean anything..._he_ didn't mean anything. He should have trusted himself, and trusted his reservations when he first met her.

He was better off without her, they all were.

It's true what they say, that time heals all wounds. He would still listen to her songs on occasion, but it got easier and easier with every day that passed. She faded a little in his minds eye...she really was a ghost, bent on haunting him. The alcohol helped, though...it made _everything_ fade...

The book. The story. The whatever-the-hell-it was. He was curious and suspicious when Jamie showed up with it...never once imagining what it really was.

It was agony, that's what it was. It was something to torment him and make him remember, remember everything. He had hardened his heart and vowed not to think about the good stuff, the fun stuff, but to concentrate on her _performance_...She had fooled them all, and now she was back to finish the job. What was her angle? What did she want?

Jude Harrison.

He'd heard of her, and heard nothing good.

He couldn't think straight anymore...he couldn't let himself believe that what she wrote...what she said about him...was anything but lies.

Jude Harrison didn't feel, she didn't love. Jude Harrison hurt and used and destroyed...but never loved. Not the Jude Harrison he had heard about.

Tommy frowned and picked up the tape. He tossed it in the wastebasket without another glance.

Not worth it, just not worth it...

Jamie stood in the doorway and looked down at Jude's sleeping form, all curled up with red, puffy eyes. She had gone to bed, not willing to wait anymore...convinced she had screwed everything up. He had sat in the living room for a while, listening to her cry...trying to think of a way to comfort her.

This wasn't the way it was supposed to go.

Tommy stood staring at his garbage, staring at the tape.

Arguing with himself.

He couldn't leave it alone; it was like she was calling out to him.

He sighed, resigned to what he was about to do and reached for the tape.

No going back.

Soft music filled his apartment. Slow, haunting music...he sat down to listen

_You could be my unintended  
Choice to live my life extended  
You could be the one I'll always love  
You could be the one who listens to my deepest inquisitions  
You could be the one I'll always love_

_I'll be there as soon as I can  
But I'm busy mending broken pieces of the life I had before_

_First there was the one who challenged  
All my dreams and all my balance  
You know in your heart, it was you_

_You could be my unintended  
Choice to live my life extended  
You should be the one I'll always love_

_I'll be there as soon as I can  
But I'm busy mending broken pieces of the life I had before_

_I'll be there as soon as I can  
But I'm busy mending broken pieces of the life I had before_

_Before you_


	25. Chapter 25

**Chapter 25**

"It's late and tomorrow is Sunday, Jamie. He's not calling...we're running out of time."

"Its okay, Jude. We can still do what we planned; just change it up a bit. Why don't _I_ call _him_? I can just ask him if he got the tape and go from there?"

"But Jamie, if he hasn't tried to contact you at all he probably hates it. He doesn't care...it made no difference at all. Face it; I was pretty naive to think this would change anything."

"It's not naive Jude, it's...hopeful. Maybe I just need to get the ball rolling. You know, get him talking. He might just be kind of freaked out...could you blame him?"

---

"Come on Jude, we can't just sit here. Listen, I'm going to call him okay? You can be right here...we have to start somewhere."

Jude chewed on her lips and picked at her nails as she watched Jamie dial the phone. While he waited for Tommy to answer he smiled softly and gave her a reassuring wink, "Breathe," he mouthed to her.

"Hello? Tommy, its Jamie."

"Yeah, Darius gave me a few days off. How's it going?"

"Not too bad, thanks...look, um, did you get the tape I left for you?"

"Uh huh. Yeah, she - "

"No, thats not - "

"Tommy!"

"No, Tommy, I _told_ you she..."

"Yeah, maybe...but that doesn't mean that she's like that now, trust me!"

"Noooo, I don't think that's such a great idea..."

"Tommy, I - "

"Have you been drinking? Why don't we just talk tomorrow, maybe you should get some sleep."

"No Tommy, I really don't - "

"Tommy?"

"Shit."

Jamie looked over at Jude, his eyes wide, "Quick, get in your room and shut the door. He's on his way up here."

"Are you kidding?!?! Uh oh, not good. It didn't sound like it went well."

"No, not exactly, I think he's been drinking and he's not a happy camper."

"Shit."

"Yeah, what you said."

Jude ran to her room and shut herself in, her hands shaking. She pulled the chair from her desk over by the door and sat down - was this really happening? Jamie, meanwhile, ran around the apartment quickly trying to hide anything that might give Jude away. He had barely thrown her 'Hey Jude' coffee mug in the oven when there was a knock on the door. Shit - he moves fast!

"Hi Tommy, come on in!"

Tommy pushed past Jamie and plunked himself on the couch, glancing over at the closed door to Jude's room, "This sucks Jamie."

"What sucks?"

"Everything".

"Um, do you want a cup of coffee, or some water?"

"Got any beer?"

"No."

"Liar."

"I don't think you really need anything to drink, not like that."

"If anyone _ever _needed anything to drink, it's me. Right now."

Jamie went to the kitchen and grabbed two beers. He handed one to Tommy and sat down beside him, "So you listened to it, eh?"

"Yeah"

"And?"

"It was good Jamie, it was _really_ good. But..."

"But what, Tommy?"

"Did _you_ listen to it?"

"Yeah, I did,"

Tommy nodded his head, deep in thought, "But it's just a song. It's a _Jude Harrison_ song, Jamie. It doesn't mean anything and it doesn't change anything. She still lied and she still ran away."

"She was scared, Tommy."

"Of what?"

"Of exactly what you are doing right now. Judging her, judging everything she's doing...and dismissing her as the person you know through the rumors and conjecture about Jude Harrison."

"She _is_ Jude Harrison, though."

"Well, yes...but are you the same Little Tommy Q that spent every night with a different woman on tour? Are you the same guy that trashed hotel rooms and woke up naked in public?"

Tommy laughed quietly to himself, "I sure as hell hope not!"

"Okay, so..."

"So you're trying to say that maybe she isn't as bad as the evil Jude Harrison?"

"Maybe."

"I don't know Jamie; I've heard some pretty disgusting things about her."

"So? I've heard some pretty disgusting things about _you_!" Jamie laughed, trying in vain to lighten Tommy's mood.

"Yeah, and they're all true."

"Tommy, have I let you know what she told me about why she left?"

"No, not really...you said she was scared."

"Yeah, she was. I was really hoping she would be able to tell you this herself, but..."

"I don't want to talk to her!"

"Yeah, I kind of got that. She was scared, Tommy, and still is. She was sitting on the couch in the lobby the morning she left...just sitting there, and all of a sudden she remembered everything. It overwhelmed her, as I am sure you can imagine it would have...she got scared and she bolted. She was afraid that when we found out who she was, that we wouldn't look at her the same way anymore and she didn't think she could take that. She's not _that _Jude Harrison anymore, Tommy, she's changed."

Tommy took a swig of his beer and got up to look out the window, staring silently into the darkness, "You're a good person Jamie. You give people too many chances...you're too kind for your own good."

"You think so? Do you think I've given you too many chances?"

"Yes."

Jamie glanced over at Jude's door, wondering how much she could hear, praying that he was doing the right thing. Tommy looked rough and he was worried. The last time he'd seen Tommy like this was after his sister's funeral.

"Tommy, what are you doing to yourself?"

"I don't know Jamie, trying to make everything fade?"

"It's not going to go away, not like this," Jamie got up and put his hand on Tommy's shoulder. "You have to talk to her."

"I don't think I can do that, Jamie, I don't think I want to."

"But you should, you _need _to. Look, Tommy, I _know_ you have those songs; I know you listen to them. I know you are hurting, and trying to escape it. I see you at work, hung-over most mornings."

"I'm not trying to escape anything...I'm, I'm just trying to forget her."

"Why do you need to forget her, Tommy? She loves you."

"No she doesn't Jamie. You don't run away from someone you love. You trust them and you let them help you through things. She ran away from you too, you know. She ran away from everything and didn't even give us a chance!"

Jude sat in her room and listened to Jamie and Tom talk, tears streaming down her face while her heart broke in two.

I just cant seem to stop messing things up.

* * *

Tom's right. Hope never existed, I'm just fooling myself.

I'm never going to be able to make this right.

I really have to pee.

* * *

"She didn't know what else to do...she was frightened...and she is so sorry."

Tommy shook his head, "Yeah, right."

"I'm serious, Tommy. She knows she made a mistake leaving."

Tommy banged his fist on the window, "Then why _did_ she leave, Jamie? I don't get it, I just don't understand! She had _everything_ here!"

"And she was afraid of loosing it all."

"She wouldn't have lost it, Jamie, not if she'd stayed. She left despite everything, she left us all."

"She's back though, she came back. She is still Hope, Tommy; she's still our crazy girl with plastic knives."

Tommy leaned his head against the window, and sighed, "No, that girl never existed."

"She did, Tommy...she does. Did you hear what I just said? Shes back!"

"Back where, here?!?!"

"Tommy, shes back in Toronto."

"She came back? She's in Toronto _now_?"

"Yes."

Tommy lowered himself into a chair, "Shit."

"Are you okay?"

"No...I never thought I'd see her again. I...Jamie, I thought she left forever."

Jamie sat down and looked at his friend, afraid to ask but unable to stop himself, "Tommy, do you love her?"


	26. Chapter 26

**Chapter 26**

Jamie sat down and looked at his friend, afraid to ask but unable to stop himself, "Tommy, do you love her?"

Tommy turned to Jamie, his eyes flashing, "No!"

"I'm sorry Tommy, I thought…"

"YOU THOUGHT WRONG!"

"Look, I'm sorry, okay? I shouldn't have said that…you did care about her though…at one time?"

"No. Maybe…I guess I did, sort of. It seems like a long time ago, though; another lifetime. I don't want to see her, Jamie. Nothing good can come of it."

"Don't be ridiculous Tommy, nothing _but_ good could come from it - don't you see? You'll be able to talk to her again, you'll be able to see for yourself that she hasn't changed, she's still the woman you knew 6 months ago. Even if…even if you can never get back any of those feelings, at least maybe you'll stop hating her."

"I don't hate her Jamie, there is no her. I told you, that person doesn't exist, never did. The only thing I'd gain from seeing her again is closure; I'd finally be able to rid myself of her ghost."

Jamie paused for a moment, taking Tommy in. It was so difficult to see him struggling like this, and more difficult to admit that maybe he was right, "Tommy," he said quietly, "maybe that's what you need; closure."

Tommy finished his beer in one gulp and sighed, still staring into the darkness, "closure..." he whispered to himself.

He nodded and said again, with more finality, "Closure. That's it Jamie. I need to be done with her sooner rather then later…I need to get her out of my head. I need to finish this."

* * *

Jude sighed, resting her head against the door...too weak with emotion to lift her head. 

Closure.

Finished.

Over.

Hopeless.

I should have known, I should have realized that it would come to this. How different would things be if I hadn't made that damned confession, if I hadn't revealed how I felt about him….if I hadn't basically told Tom that I loved him, then things might be different… easier.

I was right all along, I _do _deserve this. It's okay though…we were kind of friends once maybe we can be friends again someday.

It's better then nothing.

---

* * *

It was late, very late. Some might even say early depending on what side of the clock you're looking at. It was an hour of the morning when the only people usually awake are either drunk or getting ready for 6am start time. The apartment was silent. 

"Jude?"

---

"Jude, are you awake?"

---

"Jude, honey…Tommy's gone. He left a few minutes ago."

---

"Are you alright?"

---

"I think we should talk…"

The door slowly opened to reveal Jude sitting in a chair just inside the room. Her hair was in her face and her eyes were puffy, "I heard it all Jamie."

Jamie sank to the floor beside Jude, taking her hand in his, "It's not as bad as it sounded."

"Don't say that, Jamie. It's worse."

---

"I'm so sorry Jude."

"It's not your fault, Jamie. It's mine. I blew it…I was a fool to think I could just come back here and decide that everything was going to be different, that I was different. I just can't seem to stop hurting people."

"Shhhh, come here." Jamie gathered Jude in his arms and led her over to the bed. He settled her down between his legs and cradled her like a baby, stroking her hair as she wept.

Jamie's heart was breaking for Jude, how could he have been so wrong about Tommy? He was so sure, so certain that the feelings ran deeper.

"I figured something out tonight, Jamie. It makes all the sense in the world now… I have been deluding myself this entire time –"

"Jude, what are you saying?"

"I didn't, I never…it wasn't love, Jamie, it never was. It couldn't have been. I – I guess I wanted the Toronto fairytale to be so complete that I made myself believe I loved him."

* * *

Jamie was surprised, to say the least, about the change in Jude the next morning. It was like a something had been switched on and she was a whirlwind. She seemed to have a new resolve… 

"So, I'm going to go see him today – he knows I'm here in Toronto. I'm going back to G-Major and he's just going to have to deal with it. I'll explain that I got caught up in the story and I didn't mean to write that, and that I'm sorry if it made him uncomfortable. We are going to have to work together, so we may as well be mature adults and put it behind us. What do you think?"

"Uh, Jude, I…"

"It's the only way Jamie. He may never forgive me for leaving, he may never give me a second chance…but he has to be a professional, for both our sakes."

"Tommy can be professional Jude, it's just that – "

"Well then it's all settled. It will be fine, and by the time we see each other at work tomorrow we'll be the picture of professional courtesy. Hey, it will be okay. I'll have you and - oh geeze, Kwest…Spied, Kyle, Wally, Portia! Good grief – do they even know I'm back?!?! Oh no!"

"Its fine Jude, Darius is going to tell everyone tomorrow morning, before we get in."

"Oh, okay then…what do you think they're going to do? Do you think they'll be okay with it?"

"I think so…I think they'll be happy to know you're alright, and that you have your memory back…and they are going to be delighted to see you again – I've told you how much they've missed you."

"I hope so…but aren't they going to be mad too? Look at how Tom reacted to everything!"

"Jude…I think it was a little different with Tommy…"

"Yeah…maybe…I guess I'll find out tomorrow…"

* * *

Jude took a deep breath and stared at the familiar door…time to get this over with. She knocked and waited a few minutes, considering covering up the peep hole just in case he wouldn't open the door if he saw it was her. 

It was Sunday, so he wasn't at work…it was early afternoon so he should be awake by now…maybe he's gone out…

The door opened and Jude swallowed a lump in her throat. She hadn't seen him in so long and now there he was…right in front of her. Not happy to see her…not smiling. He looked different then she remembered, thinner…older somehow.

"Hi, Tom."

Tommy had paled upon seeing her, but inclined his head in greeting, "Ms. _Harrison_."

"Um, I know you and Jamie talked last night, and I know you don't really want to see me or speak with me, but I need to talk to you…can I come in for a minute? I won't stay long."

The door opened a little wider, and Tom motioned her in without a word. This was the first time she had been in his apartment and she couldn't help but look around, wondering what it would say about the man that lived there.

The layout was similar to Jamie's, but it had a completely different feel. ..it didn't seem like a home. It was ridiculously neat and sparse. Muted tones, greys and blues…very manly, very modern. She saw a slick leather sofa in the living room and glanced back at Tommy, questioningly, "Is it okay to sit down?"

"I thought you said you weren't going to stay long."

"I – I'm not. I'll just stand here…um…" She took a deep breath, steadying herself, "Okay, here goes. I know you probably hate me and I'm not okay with that, but I'll deal with it – I just, I need you to know that I am going back to G-Major. Darius wants me back and I am going. I don't know if we'll be working together…closely…but we _are_ going to be working together and I need us to get some things straight first."

"Fine."

"I'm sorry about the story thing…I regret writing some of the things I did. I think I was just caught up, you know? Um, caught up in the story itself and stuff…I didn't really mean it, and I apologize if I made you uncomfortable or something."

"It doesn't matter what you wrote _Jude Harrison_, I didn't fall for it in a second, anyway. What matters is what you _did._ You hurt a lot of people, including my best friend."

"I know I did, Tom, and I am so very very sorry for what I did. I was scared; I didn't know what else to do."

"So I've heard."

"Look Tom," Jude sighed, he was exasperating! "What happened between Jamie and I is between Jamie and I – it's none of your business. I'm here to make sure that we can be professional on Monday, and you aren't going to make things harder then they already are."

"I have no control over who I work with, Darius dictates that. I am a professional and I'll do what I have to do."

"Good, I'm glad to hear that."

Tommy closed his eyes for a moment, and turned away from Jude. He sat down in a chair and motioned at her to sit on the couch, "You may as well sit, I have some questions for you."

"Okay…."

Jude sat and looked expectantly at Tom. She was uncomfortable and expecting the worst.

"Who are you and what do you want?"

"I…" she wasn't expecting that, "I – but you know already. My name is Jude Harrison…I don't understand what you mean, Tom…what do I want? I want to make music, I want to prove to myself, and the people I care about, that I'm not _that_ Jude Harrison anymore. I want to take back time and un-do all the hurt I've caused…I want to stop feeling so dreadful and guilty all the time." Jude rambled on as tears began to steam silently down her face, "I want to get my life back and smile again…I want to try and get this terrible weight off my shoulders. I want to feel like I can exist and not hurt people doing it. I just want to breathe again…what the hell; while I'm at it I may as well solve world hunger too. It will probably be easier then everything else."

---

"Well, that's all nice and Hallmark, but what's your angle? Why are you _really _back?"

"My angle?!?! Where the hell do you get off – I'm telling you the truth Tom. I don't know what else to do or say to get through to you. I screwed up, okay? I was stupid and I'm sorry. I thought we were friends once, Tom. What happened to that?"

"I have never been friends with _Jude Harrison_. Hope disappeared, and when she disappeared…any relationship I may have had with her disappeared too. Hope made the choice to throw it all away. Not me. It's too late to go back, even if Hope still existed."

"You don't get it at all, do you? Fine, Tom. That's just fine." Jude wiped her tears and got up, moving towards the door, "Well, _Jude Harrison_ will see you Monday morning…I hope you'll give her a chance."


	27. Chapter 27

**Chapter 27**  
_If you don't know the song in this chapter, then I'm not gonna tell you!_

"Hey guys, come here for a sec!" Kwest hailed SME as they came (late as usual) into G-Major on Monday morning.

Kyle leaned over and whispered to Wally, "What did you do, man?"

"Nothing! I didn't do anything?"

Spied nudged them both, "Well Kwest hardly talks to us, one of you did something!"

"How do we know it wasn't _you_!"

"Seriously guys, hurry up!"

Spied, Kyle and Wally eyed Kwest nervously as they approached. Kwest motioned to his left, "Here, this studio's empty, come in here."

Kyle pushed Wally so he entered the room first, each guy shuffling to stay as far away from Kwest as possible.

"Okay, guys, Darius wanted me to talk to you"

"What!?!?"

"Us! Why?"

"Hey dude, that plant was already like that, I swear!"

"_I_ didn't touch your sandwich!"

"Wait a minute, who touched my – never mind. We have more important things to discuss, sit down."

Amongst collective groans, pushing and one minor scuffle, the guys managed to find seats around the space. Kwest stared at them all in turn, "I don't know how to tell you this…"

"Are we fired?"

"Oh, no, G-Major is closing!"

"Are there more mad cows? I didn't catch the news last night…um, this month."

"Shut up! If you actually listened for a second I might be able to tell you! Like I was saying, I'm not sure how to tell you this, so I'm just going to say it. Hope is back."

"Hope?!?!?"

"Hope is back?"

"Where is she?"

"Where did she go?"

"Is she okay? "

"Slow down, slow down! I don't know where she went, she'll be in later this afternoon, but she isn't Hope…"

"She's not Hope? I don't get it!"

"Did she forget again?"

"Who is she?"

"No, she didn't forget, that's the point. She remembered. Her real name is Jude, Jude Harrison."

"Jude? As in Jude…you take a sad song and make it better Jude?"

"Harrison? Was she George Harrison's wife or something?"

"I'll bet that song is about her!"

"Dude, she's only 20, remember? That would be gross, she must be his daughter."

"I wonder sometimes how your brains managed to even learn the English language. She is NOT related to George Harrison, the song is NOT about her. Her name is Jude Harrison end of story."

"Why is her name Jude Harrison, then…if it's not because of the Beatles?"

Kwest took a deep breath and tried really hard not to strangle one of the guys, no wonder Darius didn't want to deal with them! "I don't know, that's just her name, okay?"

"What about Hope? What happened to Hope?"

"Yeah, I really liked Hope!"

"She was pretty!"

"SHE IS STILL HOPE! Oh my gawd, how do I…okay listen very carefully. I am going to say this slowly. Hope, the pretty girl you remember, the girl who had forgotten who she was…well, she remembered who she is and it turns out that the person she is, is named Jude Harrison." Kwest looked around at the dumbstruck faces, wondering how many times he was going to have to explain this, "Do you understand?"

"Ohhhhh, Hope and Jude are the same person!"

"YES! Yes! You get it! Finally!"

"Huh. Neat."

"When do we get to see her again, is she coming back to Toronto?"

"Yeah, I miss her!"

"What the – weren't you even listening? I told you, she's back…that's why I'm talking to you right now. She's back and she is still going to be working here."

"Cool!"

"Awesome!"

"Sweet – Pizza Fridays are back on!"

* * *

Jude took a deep breath and tried to steady her nerves, she couldn't help but think back to the first time she entered this office, and it seemed like a lifetime ago. 

"How are you doing? Are you ready?"

Jude looked over at Jamie and smiled at the concern in his eyes. After her disastrous encounter with Tom he had suggested she hold off on coming in to G-Major for a few days but she knew that it would be better to do it right away, rip the band-aid off so to speak. "No, I'm not ready…I don't think I ever will be…but at least I haven't thrown up, yet."

"I'll be right beside you. Do you want me to go in first?"

"No, I'm not going to hide behind anyone or anything anymore Jamie. I can do this." Jude took a deep breath and opened the door….

It was deserted…the office was completely empty! Jude wasn't sure what she expected, but it certainly wasn't this. She turned to Jamie and was about to ask what was going on when Darius walked out of his office reading a file. He looked up and saw Jude, "Oh good. You're here. Why don't you come into my office and we'll discuss your contract."

Darius turned and went back into his office without waiting for her to reply. She turned to Jamie and he just shrugged, "I don't know, I guess you should go in…"

She shook her head and had no choice but to follow Darius. She was about half way across the lobby when she heard a terrific banging. She looked over and saw Spied, Kyle and Wally banging on a glass wall from inside what looked like a boardroom. Kwest opened the door and grinned, all of a sudden a terrible racket began…

_Hey, Jude, don't make it bad  
Take a sad song and make it better  
Remember to let her into your heart  
Then you can start to make it better_

_Hey, Jude, don't be afraid  
You were made to go out and get her  
The minute you let her under your skin  
Then you begin to make it better. _

_And any time you feel the pain, hey, Jude, refrain  
Don't carry the world upon your shoulders  
Well don't you know that it's a fool who plays it cool  
By making his world a little colder _

The guys were screaming the lyrics and playing their instruments while Kwest banged on a tambourine, belting the song out with the rest.

_Hey, Jude! Don't let her down  
You have found her, now go and get her  
Remember, to let her into your heart  
Then you can start to make it better._

_So let it out and let it in, hey, Jude, begin  
You're waiting for someone to perform with  
And don't you know that it's just you, hey, Jude,  
You'll do, the movement you need is on your shoulder_

_Hey, Jude, don't make it bad  
Take a sad song and make it better  
Remember to let her into your heart  
Then you can start to make it better_

Jude laughed and shook her head, then blew the guys kisses as she made her way to Darius' office. I should have known, she thought.

* * *

A short while later, Jude emerged from Darius' office looking a little forlorn. I have to find Jamie, she thought, this isn't good. No – I have to find Portia…no…Jamie first. Jamie first, really quickly…then Portia… 

She was engulfed by Spied, Wally, Kyle and Kwest before she had a chance to even begin to look for Jamie.

"Hooooppppeeee!"

"Her name's Jude you idiot!" Spied kicked Wally and pulled Jude into a hug, "You're back! You're back!"

"We're so glad to see you!"

"Where did you go?"

"Are you staying this time?"

"Can you still sing?"

"What happened to you?"

"Hey, now that you aren't Hope anymore, do you still like pizza?"

Jude laughed and hugged everyone back, unsure of where to start. She stalled for time, sifting through the questions, "Hey guys, thank you so much for the song! It was…unique…in a way. Very sweet though, what a welcome!"

Still attempting to think of an answer that would satisfy them without getting into too much Jude bit her lip. She was about to answer when Darius popped his head out of his office, "The over-emotional display is great guys, but Jude has some work to do with Portia."

Saved by the boss! Jude nodded, "Sorry guys, we'll have to catch up later. It's so good to see you all again though!"

The guys pulled her into another group bear hug and made their way back to the studio. Kwest lingered behind, "It's really good to have you back, Ho- I mean, Jude. Geeze, that's going to take me a while to get used to..."

"Thanks Kwest…and yeah, if you can believe it, it took me a while to get used to as well!" Jude smiled at Kwest nervously….what was going on?

---

"Um, Ho-Jude…"

"What's up Kwest?"

"Darius talked to me this morning and he said Tommy and I are going to be working with you."

"Yeah, that's what he told me too…"

"Well, Jamie called me last night and told me a little about some of the stuff that's been going on…he was worried about today, and I've seen how Tommy has been…and well, I just want you to know that I'll be there all the time, okay? I won't let Tommy be too…."

"Too Tommy?"

"Yeah."

"Thanks Kwest, that means a lot. I'm really looking forward to working with you again."

"Me too, it's been too long."

"Yeah, I'm really sorry about that."

"No need to apologize, you had some stuff to deal with. It's okay…we're just glad you're back and you're okay. Now, you'd better go find Portia before Darius fires you!"

Jude gave Kwest another brief hug and left to find Portia. She found her quickly, back in the room with all those fabulous clothes, "Um, hi Portia. Darius said I was supposed to come see you right away."

"Oh, hi hun. It's so good to see you!" Portia smiled and gave Jude a hug, "We were really worried about you."

"Thanks Portia. I've been hearing that a lot lately…I'm really sorry. I feel so bad that I made everyone worry so much.'

"Jamie looked for you, for a long time….we all did. Can I ask what made you leave so abruptly? Darius said you remembered…"

"Yeah…I did. It was just so…I don't know. There was a lot going on and I guess I just couldn't deal with it, at least not in the right way."

"But you have dealt with it? You're okay now?"

"I'm not sure if I would say that…but I'm back…things are going to be better now. I'm sorry, Portia, it's not you…there's just so much happening right now."

"Don't worry about it, I understand. I'm here though, if you ever need to talk."

"Thank you."

"Like I said, don't worry about it. Now – let's get to work!" Portia grinned and began piling clothes into Jude's arms, "You are _good _Jude Harrison, your songs have already proven themselves with the public – but no one knows you as a singer, and no one really knows who you are…"

Which is a good thing, Jude thought to herself.

"...especially in Canada. Darius wants us to work fast - we need to get you a new look and get you out there to drum up interest. You have a photo shoot tomorrow."

"Are you serious?!?!"

"Dead serious, we have a lot of clothes to try on. Chop chop!"

It seemed to Jude like she tried on an entire store's worth of clothes. Portia would cock her head to one side and purse her lips, turning Jude from one side to the other...nothing met with her approval.

"Jude, honey – it doesn't look like you are enjoying yourself. Aren't you having fun?"

"I am Portia, this is great…I just…"

---

"Portia, how well do you know Tom?"

"Tom? Hmmm, I used to know him pretty well…when I was married to him."


	28. Chapter 28

**Chapter 28**  
_The song used in this chapter is "Unintended" by Muse_

"WHAT? You and Tom were married? What the – "

"It was a long time ago, Jude. We were just kids and it only lasted a couple months…it was a rough ride."

"What happened? You guys seem to be friends now."

"We are…now. It took a long time, but he finally forgave me…"

"He forgave you? Did you – did you do something?" Jude was hesitant to pry, this was really personal stuff and she didn't know Portia _that_ well, "I understand if you don't want to…but what happened?"

Portia sighed and put down the dress she was holding up against Jude, "I was stupid. That's the easy explanation. The hard thing to say, the thing that is difficult for me to admit to even now, is that it was all my fault…I cheated on him, Jude…and I ran away with one of his bandmates. We had only been married for a couple of months and I - I just deserted him."

"Woah. I had no idea Portia."

"Not many people do, it's not something either of us likes to talk about, but it was a long time ago. Tommy has finally forgiven me and we have become friends again. I think we both knew it would never have lasted anyway."

"Portia I don't know what to say. I – I – thank you for sharing this with me…but why…?"

"Why did I tell you all of this? I don't know Jude; you've been through a lot. I don't know the whole story but I know enough about Jamie to understand that he wouldn't care about someone so much if they weren't _really _worth it, and I saw how torn up he was when you left so suddenly." Portia sighed and sat on a nearby chair, "I know you had your reasons Jude, and I am sure they were good ones, but…Jamie wasn't the only one that hurt; Tommy took it hard, _really_ hard and," Portia shrugged, "I thought maybe if you knew about our history together it might be easier for you to understand why Tommy is going to treat you the way he probably will."

"Tom….yeah, I've kind of already talked to Tom."

"Hmm, and I'll bet I can guess how well it went…"

"Not too good…I can't blame him though, Portia. I screwed up and I guess I deserted him too…"

"He'll come around Jude; you just have to give him some time and some space. It was a completely different situation this time around. You guys weren't married, you weren't involved. He just felt like he had lost a friend, a good friend."

"You're right, Portia. Just a lost friend…"

* * *

It was exhausting but I finished with Portia after a few more outfits; I was excited about the photoshoot the next day…and a little nervous.

I couldn't stop thinking about our conversation. I was affected by what Portia had told me, and moved that she felt she could share all of that personal stuff…even if it was because she wanted to warn me…or prepare me. Was she right? Was Tom just pissed off because he thought he'd lost a friend…why would it matter that much to him?

I wanted to find Jamie, to ask him about Tom and Portia…but I wasn't sure that it was something either Portia or Tom would appreciate Jamie and me talking about. It was all so confusing – was Tom acting like this because he thought I had left him like Portia did? Does that mean he actually cares about me…or past-tense, _cared_? Was it just a friend thing or was he mad because he thought I had abandoned Jamie?

I knew this wasn't going to get resolved anytime soon, and I was sure Jamie had better things to do at work then mop up my tears or try to sort out my stubbornly messed up life…no, I'd better just get to work; the last thing I want to do on my first day back is piss Darius off.

Darius…I knew he was just doing what he thought was right for G-Major and for me…musically, but why Tom? Sure, he was one hell of a producer, but he was…Tom.

I looked at the studio door and thought back to the last time I had spoken to him and the venom I felt coming from him. Breathe Jude, Kwest will be there…Kwest will protect me…Argh, why do I always feel like I need protecting?

I can do this; I am a professional woman, a talented woman. I'm not going to let some immature jerk with crunchy hair intimidate me. Damn him - I am going to make amazing music despite him! Screw him – he's not worth all of this crap!

I think I'll go to the bathroom first…

* * *

Tommy looked up as Jude entered the studio, "It's about time – we have a lot of work to do here."

"Hello Mr. Quincy, hi Kwest. I _do_ apologize so for keeping you gentleman waiting, I'm afraid I had to see Portia before I could begin recording."

"Hey Jude – ha ha ha! That is never going to get old! Did you have fun with Portia?"

"Yeah, it is going to get old Kwest!" Jude laughed, "but yes, I did have a good time with Portia. It was very interesting."

"Can we just get to work people? Jude, you're supposed to be on the other side, in the booth."

Being the ultimate professional, Jude scrunched up her face and stuck her tongue out at Tom, "Aye, aye captain!"

As she settled herself in the now familiar booth, Jude wondered if she would be able to concentrate enough to get through a song…

"Jude. I want you to start with _Unintended_."

Rattled, Jude stared at Tom through the glass, "WHAT?!?!"

"_Unintended_, Darius wants that on the demo."

"How the hell does Darius – I never showed him that song."

Tom shrugged, "I gave him the tape. He liked it."

"Oh."

"Whenever you're ready, Jude."

* * *

Two hours later they didn't have anything resembling a usable take and Jude was getting tired, emotionally. She just couldn't seem to connect with the song.

"Jude," Kwest interrupted her, "why don't you take a bit of a break?"

"Kwest, I'm producing – I call the breaks. Jude, what's going on? You sound like crap."

"Oh, gee, thanks Tom. That's really nice of you."

"I'm not here to be nice."

"I've noticed."

"Just get it Jude, do what you need to get this – I want to go home sometime this week!"

"Oh, you're quite the producer Mr. Quincy, thanks for the encouragement!" Jude sighed and closed her eyes, trying to feel the song again…trying to feel _something_.

I'll pretend _he_ isn't here, I'll pretend everything that's gone on in the last few days has never happened…I'll think of…plastic knives…

Jude smiled, her head down and her eyes closed…

Bubble bath…

"Just give me a sign, Jude. Whenever you're ready…anytime…"

Shutting out the voice Jude recalled catalogues and a credit card…

Deep breath.

Paper bags and coffee-rubbed steak…

A stolen kiss…

Jude took a deep breath and without opening her eyes she signaled the booth. As music started to play in her headphones, Jude began to sing.

* * *

_You could be my unintended  
Choice to live my life extended  
You should be the one I'll always love_

_I'll be there as soon as I can  
But I'm busy mending broken pieces of the life I had before _

_I'll be there as soon as I can  
But I'm busy mending broken pieces of the life I had before_

_Before you_

Jude stopped singing and the music died away…

"Jude! That was f'king awesome!" Kwest screamed in her ears, "You killed it!"

She wiped her eyes and looked up. Kwest was jumping around the control room jabbing his fists in the air. Tom was leaning back in his chair, just looking at her…his face inscrutable.

He leaned forward and pushed the button to talk, "It's late. We're done for today."

Kwest stopped and looked at Tom, confused. He looked back at Jude and shrugged his shoulders, "I kind of thought we'd keep going, you know ride the wave…but whatever, this is cool too. I'm glad to get out of here!" Kwest wiggled his eyebrows, grinning, "Come on, Jude, I'll give you a ride home!"


	29. Chapter 29

**Chapter 29**

"AHHHH!" she screamed as she slammed the door to the apartment closed, "He is such a JACKASS! Ohhh, I can't stand him, he is such an immature jerk!"

"Hi Jude, how did your first day back go?"

"ARRRRGGGHHHH! What a fu- Ohhhh, I can't stand it! JERK! JERK! JERK!"

"Oh, hi Jamie. It was pretty good, thanks. How as your day? I didn't see you that much, where did you get off to? Oh, good, I'm glad your day went well Jude, mine was pretty busy – I had to go meet with a few bands, but I got a nice lunch out of the deal. Well, that's not too bad then Jamie, it just sucks that we hardly saw each other today. I know, Jude, but we'll see each other at work tomorrow, I'll be in the office all day. Oh, good! I'm so glad to hear that Jamie!"

Jude stopped suddenly and stared at Jamie, who was having a lovely conversation with himself.

"Whaa?"

"Oh! There you are! Nice of you to join me!"

"Sorry Jamie…I'm just pissed off…at Tom, as usual."

"What did he do now?"

"He was just a…a jerk. He was mean about my singing and surly and…a pain in the ass! I don't think I can work with him, Jamie, not when he's like this!"

"I'm sorry to hear it was so tough, Jude, but I hate to say I don't think you have a choice about working with him."

"There's got to be something I can do," Jude whined, "Jam-iee, what do I do-o-o?"

"Jude I wish I had all the answers for you, I really do…but I don't know why Tommy is still acting this way, I don't know what to tell you."

"Oh, you're a great help, thanks!" Jude whirled around and stomped off to her room, slamming the door. Jamie shook his head, went to the kitchen and put her supper in the microwave. He left her a short note and made his way to his own room, careful to shut the door quietly. Everything was off to a _wonderful _start.

* * *

_knock_

_knock_

_knock_

"Jamie?"  
_  
knock_

_knock_

_knock_

"Jamie, it's me…Jude."

---

"I'm sorry…"

---

"Look, I really don't like talking through doors, nothing good ever comes of it…"

---

"I made you some tea….and thanks for dinner."

---

"Look, I'll be out on the balcony…I'd really like to talk to you…"

---

Jude touched Jamie's door softly and leaned in close, trying to hear movement or an answer…nothing. She sighed and set the mug of tea on the floor beside the door and went out onto the balcony.

A few minutes later the door slid open behind her. Jamie silently sat down and stared out onto the street.

"I'm glad you came out Jamie, I'm really sorry about earlier. Are you mad at me?"

"No Jude, I'm not mad at you…I'm just frustrated. I'm as frustrated as you are."

"I'm sorry, Jamie. I didn't mean to take it out on you, and I know you've been through a lot too…I sometimes forget that."

Jamie turned and took Jude's hand, "We've _all _been through a lot…Jude, I can't begin to tell you how proud of you I am…I know it hasn't been easy to admit to all of things you've done, and it hasn't been easy for me to hear about them…but I know that you aren't that person anymore. I could see how hard it was for you to acknowledge that it really was you that did all of those things…how hard it has been for you to try and put it all behind you and move forward. I promised you everything would be alright, but I haven't been able to keep that promise, and I am sorry."

"Jamie! This isn't your fault! You've been so amazing! You have been so incredibly kind and so strong for me. I don't know what I would have done without you…and if I could take back the pain I caused you I would do it in a second. I'll never forgive myself for hurting you."

"Oh Jude, it's not that, it was never that. I know you were terrified…and I know that you understand that you could have stayed, that I would have helped you through anything. It's just so hard to see two people I care about so at odds – so bent on hurting each other."

"Tom?"

"Yeah."

"I don't want to hurt Tom, Jamie…I _never_ wanted to hurt anyone but I did and I can't undo that, no matter what I do. I just want to get past this and… it's just hard to try to do that with Tom in the background snarling at me and making my job that much more difficult."

"You just want to move on with your life, your new life?"

"Yeah, that's exactly what I want to do…I just wish he could get past it too."

"Jude…I don't know how easy that will be for Tommy. He's been through…he's been through a lot, and well, it's obvious he doesn't deal very well with things like this. I thought once he understood what you went through…and why you left that…"

"I thought so too…but, I don't know. I guess the fact that he never really trusted me in the first place…"

"I don't think it's that, Jude."

---

"Portia talked to me today, Jamie."

"She did? So you know, huh?"

"I know. I just wish I knew what to do with the information."

"I'm not sure you can_ do_ anything, Jude." Sigh… "Maybe we are just going to have to give him some time. If nothing changes, and he's still acting like this…then, then I'll just have to hit him over the head with a vase myself!"

"Awww, Jamie!" Jude laughed and settled her head on Jamie's shoulder, "You'd resort to physical violence for me?"

"Jude Harrison, you know I'd do anything for you!"

* * *

Jamie tried to hold out hope that things between Jude and Tommy would get better, but it went on just like Jude's first day back. It went on and on…a glowering, snarly Tommy…a frustrated and miserable Jude. Kwest would tell Jamie about the inevitable arguments and struggles that would erupt while they were trying to record; he said it was like going to war every time he set foot in the control room. 

Jude was doing her best to try and ignore Tommy's behavior and seemed determined to make herself have fun despite him. She dove wholeheartedly into Pizza Friday, nailed her photoshoot and continually impressed Darius with the songs she was generating. If nothing else, Jude and Tommy made wonderful music together.

Desperate for something to happen, for something to force them to talk, Jamie threw caution to the wind and went to work early one morning. Much earlier then either Jude or Tommy.

He knew it was kind of dumb and probably a little immature…but he figured it was something that either one of them just might do…

* * *

"Jude!" Tommy yelled later that morning, "What the hell are you playing at?" 

Jude looked up as she entered the sound booth, surprised to see Tom standing over the sound board with fire in his eyes.

"I don't know what you're talking ab – hey! What the hell is _this _Tom?!?!"

"What are you talking about?"

"What are _you _talking about?"

"This!" Tom yelled, pointing down at the board, "You are some piece of work Jude Harrison!"

"Yeah, well you're on crack, Tom Quincy!" Jude yelled back, "Why did you do _this_?" she asked, pointing at the floor right in front of her stool.

Glaring, Tom stomped out of the control room and into the sound booth. He passed Jude, who was stomping her way into the control room. Jude got into the control room and looked to where Tom had been pointing… there painstakingly spelled out across the board was the word, "JACKASS" in carefully arranged plastic knives.

What the?!?!?

She looked through the glass at Tom, who was staring at the floor with a bewildered look in his face. He looked up and gave Jude a questioning look. Jude looked back down at the board, and across to the sound booth again…then made her way back there.

Once more, Jude and Tom passed each other as they criss-crossed between the control room and the sound booth. Jude got back to the booth, and stared down at the floor again studying the word that appeared there…spelled out meticulously with plastic knives, "PHONY!"

They looked at each other again, through the glass and then back down. In unison, their heads turned outwards towards the hall way and they yelled, "JAMIE!" as they stormed out of the studio.

"What's up guys?" Jamie asked calmly, munching on an apple.


	30. Chapter 30

_Author's Note: I am sorry it has been so long since I have updated this story. I got behind and then I had to go away for a few days. If you are reading this, it means you haven't given up on the story yet (Thank you!!). For those that have sent in reviews I haven't answered yet, I will do that sometime today. Thanks again!!!_**  
**

* * *

* * *

**Chapter 30**

"What the hell did you do?"

"Yeah, what the hell are you thinking?"

"_Me_? I don't know what you guys are talking about."

"Very funny Jamie, what's with all the knives?"

"And 'phony'?!? What did I do to you? Are you mad at me or something?"

"Phony? Knives?" Jamie asking innocently, taking another bite of his apple, "What on earth are you guys talking about?"

"Jamie, neither of us did this; you're the only other person that knows about the knives!"

"I don't know Tommy, it sounds like something Jude would pull…and Jude, who here would call you a 'phony" but…"

Jude turned to Tommy and swatted him on his arm, "You call me a phony, you jackass?!?!"

"I didn't call you ANYTHING! Did you think it was funny, did you think it was a _joke_ with your cute little plastic knives?!?!"

"Me? I didn't do it!"

"NEITHER DID I!"

"Of course you didn't – you're not _smart_ enough to do something like that!"

"_Smart_ enough?!?! I'm not smart enough?!?! Well you listen to me little lady – at least I'm _smart_ enough to know TO STAY AWAY FROM YOU!"

Jamie looked at Jude and Tommy, yelling at each other in the middle of G-Major. He tossed his apple core in the trash, smiled…and walked away.

"Stay away, FROM ME?!?! That's not _smart_ Tom, it's just damn stupid and IMMATURE!"

"It's the smartest thing I ever did! I'm not going to let you do to me – or Jamie – what you did to all those people in L.A.!"

"L.A.?!?!? What the hell do you know about L.A.?!?! You weren't there, you don't know what happened!"

"I know what you did Jude! I KNOW! And I'll be damned if you're going to do it here too!"

"WHAT DID I DO? WHAT DO YOU THINK I DID THAT WAS SO BAD?!?!"

Jude and Tommy stared at each other; they were both breathing hard and neither one had noticed that Jamie wasn't there anymore…or that Darius was.

"Tommy, Jude – Get. In. Here. NOW!"

Stunned they turned and looked at Darius with wide eyes, realizing for the first time where they were and what they were doing.

* * *

"What the hell is going on out there? I'm trying to run a business!" 

"Sorry, D. I guess it got a little out of hand."

"I'm sorry Darius, it won't happen again."

"Damn right it won't happen again. I don't know what's going on between the two of you, but I want it solved. Right now! I'm going to my dojo – I'll be back in a few hours and I'd better see a happy team working nicely together when I get back. Got it?"

"Got it."

"Yeah, D. No problem."

"Good. You two stay in here and work out your shit, _in private_."

* * *

. . . 

"We only have a few hours, _jackass_…we'd better get shiny and happy quickly." Jude sat with arms crossed staring at the floor, "What were you talking about Tom? What did you mean about L.A.?"

"Look, you may think you covered your tracks and protected yourself well enough, but someone always knows. Someone _always_ knows the truth."

"So you found out something crappy about me? Good for you. I've done _a lot_ of crappy things, Tom – but I'm different now. I'm trying to change, I _have_ changed. So, are there a bunch of things you want to crucify me for or just one particular incident you find especially hideous?"

"Why did you do it?"

"Do what?"

"Brian."

"Oh…him." Jude sighed, deflated. Shit! Of all the things…no wonder…

"Yeah – _him_"

"I know what you did to him Jude."

"Oh yeah? What do you know?"

"I know you conned him, stole his music and broke up his marriage, then you just _discarded _him when he was no longer useful… and I know you killed him."

"I didn't kill anyone Tom!"

"Your finger may as well have been on that trigger, Jude. Don't kid yourself into thinking you weren't a big part of his death."

Jude shook her head, she felt her eyes beginning to sting, "No…no…I didn't mean for that to happen, I didn't mean for him to die."

"Face it Jude, you destroyed his life and then you killed him…even if you didn't put the gun to his head."

Jude put her head in her hands and began to cry, "That's not how it happened, that's not what happened."

"So who's next Jude, was I supposed to be your next target? Or Jamie? You didn't have enough success, or money…you needed to find a new angle?"

"Tom, no! You don't understand!"

"Then tell me Jude, try to make me understand why you ruined all those lives…it wasn't _just_ Brian – or his family. Make me understand how you can justify _any_ of the things you've done."

Was it possible for a broken heart to shatter again? Jude was finding it difficult to breathe, to focus…it felt like she was remembering all over again and all she wanted to do was hide her head in the cushions and drift away…drift away from this mess.

"I don't know how to explain it to you Tom, not when I can't even explain it to myself…when I remembered…everything…I…How did you feel about me when you found out about all of this stuff?"

"What do you think?"

"Mmhmmm…and think, just think for one second…about how _I _felt when I found out about it all…only it was _me_ I was finding out about, not some other person. _I_ did all those things, _I_ hurt all those people."

"I don't know Jude; I find it hard to believe you felt anything."

"You do, don't you? You think I am some horrible monster…I don't know what to say to that Tom. I'm so tired of trying to change your mind about me. I can't make you believe anything you don't want to. I don't know how I can prove that I've changed…I don't know why I should have to. I have people who love me, I _finally_ have people who care about me Tom, and I'm not going to let you ruin that – I'm not going to let you take that away from me.

"They don't care about _you_; they don't care about _Jude Harrison_. They care about _Hope Andrews_."

"You still just don't get it…or you don't want to. Yes, I am Jude Harrison. I did some terrible things in my past and I wish I could go back and change that, but I can't. All I can do is change myself and make the decision never to be that person again. I _am_ Jude Harrison – but Tom, I'm also Hope. I always was. That part of me isn't gone just because I remembered my real name." Jude was crying again, tears streaming down her face. She was curled up on the sofa with a pillow clutched to her chest. Tom rubbed his eyes wearily and sighed, unwilling or unable to hear what Jude was saying.

"Tom, we were friends once, or at least I thought we were…is this what you do? A friend disappoints you once – makes one mistake – and you dismiss them forever?"

"Disappoints? You think you _disappointed _me? You are unbelievable."

"Then what did I do, Tom? Did I hurt you _personally_ because I was such a horrible person a long time ago? What did I do to you, besides leave?"

"But that's it Jude, that's what you did. You _left_. If you were such a changed person, if you were so determined to mend your ways – then why did you run away? Why didn't you trust the people in your new life…the people that knew the _transformed_ Jude Harrison? Why did you desert the people who were probably the only ones in the entire world that cared about you?"

"_Because_ they cared about me! _Because_ they knew me and still loved me! Tom, I couldn't bear the thought of not having that, of loosing that again. I didn't know what else to do."

"What do you mean _again_? Have you done something like this before?"

"What!?!? No! Tom, you are not the only person who has lost things, you aren't the only person who has been abandoned."

"What are you talking about?"

"When I was 8 years old, my parents left me, they abandoned me when they gave up the fight…and they left me alone, they didn't take me with them. I didn't want to be left by my family again, Tom. I didn't want you or Jamie to leave me, so I left first."

"I don't understand Jude, where did your parents go?"

"Do you remember that dream I told you about, the one I had when you were in the hospital?"

"Yes…"

"It wasn't a dream. My parents died…I was remembering them dying…they left me, they didn't want to stay with me enough to fight."

"Jude…" Tom got up and moved to the couch beside Jude, "They didn't leave you. I'm sure they fought as hard as they could…"

"They didn't though, Tom. They just gave up…they gave up on me." Jude looked up at Tom, her eyes shining, "Please don't give up on me Tom, not you too."


	31. Chapter 31

**Chapter 31**

"They didn't though, Tom. They just gave up…they gave up on me." Jude looked up at Tom, her eyes shining, "Please don't give up on me Tom, not you too."

Tom sighed and leaned back on the couch, away from Jude. "Jude, I don't know you. I don't trust you and I hate what I have learned about you…"

"So that's it then? There is no second chance? It cancels out everything you knew about me before?"

"Yes…no…I don't know…I just, I can't seem to get past it Jude. You're such – you _were _such a horrible person and you hurt so many people…how can I trust you aren't going to do that again?"

"I guess you can't Tom. If you don't trust me, or trust the Hope that you got to know…and trust what you have seen and heard first hand…" Jude shrugged, discouraged and resigned, "It's done. There's no going back."

"No Jude, I don't know how to go back."

"Okay… that's okay….I'm not going to fight this anymore, but will you do me one favour Tom Quincy, even if you can never forgive me or trust me again?"

"What?"

"Will you stop being such an ass?"

"An ass?!?!"

"Don't get me wrong, I don't care what you think of me – I can't anymore…but for Jamie's sake… He really misses you, Tom. Can we try to be civil for Jamie at least?"

Tom took a deep breath and looked at Jude, trying to read her. "I guess it wouldn't hurt. I miss Jamie too…and I'd be able to keep a closer eye on you…make sure you aren't up to anything."

"Yeah, that's it Tom. Be nice to me so you can catch me in the act, prove yourself right and expose me for the ogre I am."

"I didn't say anything about being nice to you."

"That's what being _civil_ means you dimwit! Oh never mind, just say you'll try, okay? Look, I'm going out with Kwest tonight – Jamie will be at home. Why don't you stop by and see him. I won't be there, so you won't have to be distracted by trying to trip me up or anything."

"Wait a minute, you're going out?!?! With KWEST?!?!"

"What? It's not like you care – don't worry, I'm not going to destroy his life or anything…it's just a few drinks. I'm sure he can protect himself from me."

"That's not what I meant."

"Then what _did_ you mean? You know what, no. I don't care. Just go hang out with Jamie, okay?"

"Whatever."

"Fine."

"Fine."

* * *

"So…Mr. Fix-it, I know what you tried to do!" Jude yelled at Jamie from the bathroom where she was getting ready to meet Kwest, "Very cunning, very funny!"

"Hey, I was inspired! It worked though, didn't it? You and Tommy talked." Jamie yelled back from the kitchen where he was putting beer in the fridge. Tommy had corned him at work and said that he wanted to hang out again, no Jude, no heavy discussions…just the two of them like old times.

"Yeah…talked. Jamie, he found out about Brian…he found out about it all. He thinks I'm going to ruin your life too!" Jude left the bathroom and leaned against the kitchen door watching Jamie.

Jamie stopped stacking beer and turned to look at Jude, "Brian? How did he – I never said anything Jude."

"I know you didn't…I guess he knows people, people who know things. It doesn't matter anyway. It's probably better he knows all this now…at least we didn't become friends again before he found out. Judging from the way he reacted, it wouldn't have been a good scene and I'm not sure I could have handled loosing him again…not like that. Its better I know now that we can never go back, that we just aren't going to be friends…"

Jamie sighed, he wanted to tell Jude that she was wrong, that Tommy would come around…but he wasn't so sure anymore. "I…I don't know Jude. Just don't give up, okay? Look at what happened with Portia, they're friends now! Sure, it took four years…but…"

"But maybe he can't do something like that again, Jamie. It was different too; he and Portia shared something special together…she didn't turn out to be some disgusting creature…"

"You didn't either, Jude. Look, she cheated on him and ran away with one of his friends – and band mate no less…but she came back, it was over between them but she had changed and was there to make it up to him…she knew she had made a mistake. How is that so different then you?"

"I don't know. We both disappointed him, hurt him…deserted him…but there is one major difference Jamie. Tom was in love with Portia, at least he thought he was at one point. He never loved me; I don't think he even liked me that much."

"You and I both know that's not true, Jude. If he hadn't cared he wouldn't have reacted the way he did when you left…or when you came back."

"Yes he would have, Jamie. He _loves_ you – he hurt for you and what I had done to _you_…what he was afraid I would do to you. It's as simple as that… Jamie, I don't want to talk about this anymore, it's just too frustrating. I have to get going anyway, Kwest is probably waiting. Just have fun with Tom tonight, okay? You deserve it."

"Okay Jude…you have a good time too. Say hi to Kwest for me."

* * *

Empty beer bottles lay scattered around the living room, there were half empty bags of chips on the coffee table and music was playing in the background. Two considerably inebriated friends looked at each other and smiled, "This is awesome, Tommy. I've really missed this!"

"What? Getting piss drunk in your living room?" Came the slightly slurred response.

"Yes, that! And hanging out with you!"

"Yeah, it's nice…hanging out…no bullshit…no lies…just good friends and good beer!"

* * *

"Ohmygosh!" Jude laughed, "I can't believe they really did that! An _entire_ meal just of meat?!!?"

"Yeah, it was actually kind of gross come to think of it! Hey, can I get you another drink?"

"Sure, Kwest. Thanks! You know, this is really nice. I'm having a great time!"

"Me too, I can't believe we haven't hung out before – I'm having a blast! I'm here with the prettiest girl in the bar!"

"Aww, Kwest. You are too sweet…hey, we're even though - I'm here with the cutest guy in the bar!"

Kwest raised his eyebrows, "Cute huh? Not manly and virile, sexy and irresistible?"

"Kwest!"

"Ahh, I'm just kidding – I know you don't think of me that way."

Jude smiled and shook her head, "It's not that Kwest, it's just…"

"Jude – don't worry! We're better as friends anyway…I don't think you could handle me, you know!"

"Oh really?"

"Yeah, that and I don't want to disappoint all the ladies – it would just be too mean to take myself off the market!"

"Good for you Kwest, thinking of others! Now get me that drink all ready!"

"Aye, aye - anything for milady!"

* * *

"I can't believe she's out with Kwest! Friggen' KWEST!"

"Tommy, I thought we weren't going to talk about Jude."

"We aren't! It's just…she's out with KWEST! Right now!"

"Yeah…"

"KWEST!"

* * *

"Whew!" Jude exclaimed as she plopped down in her chair, "I can't remember the last time I danced like that!"

"That was _fun_! Man, you are a _good_ dancer Jude Harrison!"

"Hey, you're not so bad yourself!

* * *

"You need to redecorate, man. This is getting tired!"

"Since when do you care about stuff like that? I like it in here, my Mom made the curtains, you know!"

"I just don't get it Jamie, why does this bother me so much?"

"What? The curtains?"

"Huh? No…Jude! Why do I care what she did and who she's doing and why she's back?"

"I dunno. 'Cause you care, man."

"No I don't. I don't even like her!"

"Now who's lying?"

"I liked Hope…a lot. I want to be friends with Jude, I really do…I just can't…"

"Are you afraid of getting hurt again?"

"No! I wasn't……yes."

* * *

"So, I, um…couldn't help but overhear your…discussion with Tommy this morning."

"Oh Kwest, I'll bet all of G-Major heard that! How embarrassing!"

"Don't worry about it Jude, we've all had our moments with Tommy. You two were bound to have a blow-up with the way you've been acting towards each other. It was just a matter of time."

"I guess you're right…I just wish it hadn't happened like that. Darius was pissed."

"Darius is always pissed, unless he's making money. I wouldn't worry about it too much. Did you guys work things out?"

"Sort of…I think things will be a little easier for both of us come Monday…"

"So you and Tommy are okay now? Things have been a little tense in the studio."

"I wouldn't go that far, but I think we've come to an understanding…of sorts."

"Good," Kwest patted Jude's hand, "I'm glad to hear that, for both your sakes."

* * *

"Why do you alphabetize your CD's?"

"Makes it easier to find what I want. Geeze, we're boring!"

"No we're not, we're just…mellow."

"Yeah, mellow…relaxed…chillin'."

"Chillin?!?!"

"You know, chillin' out, maxin'- relaxin' all cool."

"You're scary man!"

"Pot, meet kettle!"

"She wants me to give her a second chance, you know? Try to be friends again…"

"Wha…?"

"Jude."

"Oh, we're back to that again?"

"No, we aren't talking about her…it's just…confusing."

"It's simple Tommy; you already know that you want to do. You just have to do it."

* * *

"Jude, it's getting pretty late, we've been here for _hours_! What do you say I take you home…or do you want to keep dancing?"

"Naw, home sounds good…bed sounds even better."

"Hmmm, bed she says! Sorry, Jude – I'm just not that kind of guy!"

* * *

"Dud I ever shell you ho' much I HATE duh spuns?"

"Yuh may've menshoned it…"

"I don tink I can make it down…stairs, I think I'm gunna to get tuh know your beautiful cuch a lil'bettar…"

"Shoot yurshelf, mi casa es su…whatever. I think I have tuh go to bed…if'n I can find my room…"

"Is over there."

"Yeah..right…g'night."

_snore_


	32. Chapter 32

**Chapter 32**  
_The song used in this chapter is "I Can't Change The Way You Don't Feel" by Aaron Neville._

Jude walked quietly up to the apartment door, trying to listen to voices. She had already decided that if Tom was still there, she would go to a nearby coffee shop for a while….but she couldn't hear anything coming from the apartment. She slowly opened the door…just in case.

Nothing. Not a sound. Huh, they must have called it a night pretty early. She tiptoed towards her room, not wanting to wake Jamie up when she heard a noise from the living room. She carefully re-traced her steps, curious to see if perhaps Jamie hadn't even made it to his room!

She peered over the sofa – there was definitely someone there…hard to make out if it was Jamie though. She made her way around the couch and bent down to get a closer look. It was Tom! Aww, he looked so peaceful and relaxed – kind of cute all drooly and passed out.

Hmmm….this could be fun! I could go all kindergarten and do some really mean things to him right now…As enjoyable as it might be though, probably not that smart. No, bad idea…

Jude cocked her head to one side and looked at Tom again, he really does look very serene right now…except for the snoring. Holy crap, he's loud!

She sighed and grabbed a blanket off the back of the couch. She carefully laid it over Tom and tucked it in around his chest. As she leaned in, her hair accidentally brushed up against his cheek and he stirred. She tried to pull away to make a speedy escape in case he was waking up, but he had turned over and grabbed a chunk of her hair. He moaned and inhaled deeply, tightening his grip on her.

This is not good, this is so not good! Now what do I do?!?!?

"Jude…" came the soft whisper.

"Y-es?"

"Jude..."

"Yes, Tom…I'm right here. Are you okay?"

"She's gone…it hurts so…not again, not again…"

---

"I can still smell…still hear…ghost…"

"Shhhh, its okay. Um, she's back. Jude's back."

Tom sighed and released her hair as he turned over and started to snore once again. Jude sat there, beside him just staring, thinking…she didn't know how long she stayed there, she lost track of time – what did he mean? A ghost? It was all so confusing – but she knew she shouldn't – couldn't - read too much into the drunken words of someone talking in their sleep. No way of knowing what he was talking about, thinking about. She shook her head as she finally got up, wondering how much more of this she could take.

* * *

The next morning, Jude emerged from her room sleepy and disheveled. She was wearing a battered Mickey Mouse t-shirt that was too small for her and an old pair of Jamie's pajama pants that she had borrowed and never given back.

The p.j. bottoms kept trying to make a run for it so she held on to them with one hand while she scratched her head with the other, trying to remember where the kitchen was.

Coffee…

Jude had tossed and turned all night, surprisingly uncomfortable with the knowledge that Tom was sleeping only feet away…still trying to decipher his words. Her hair looked like she had been given fifteen noogies in a row and she couldn't quite open her eyes.

Without warning a voice coming from somewhere to the left invaded her consciousness and interrupted her thoughts of coffee, "Hark! What beauty do I see before me?"

Huh?

Ignoring the voice, Jude stumbled towards the coffee maker, having finally remembered its location. On her way, she awkwardly raised her arm and extended her middle finger in the general direction of the voice.

"What was that? Did she just do what I think she did?"

"Yup." Came the amused reply, "My mistake…I know that it's not a good idea to talk to her in the morning…not before coffee."

"Seriously?!?!?"

"Oh yeah! I had to wake her up last week, so she wouldn't be late for work, and I almost lost an eye. Maybe we should just go…quietly and quickly. She'll find the note I left her eventually."

"Yeah, good idea…_smart_ idea. Let's get outta here!"

* * *

After gulping a scalding cup of coffee, but still a little unsteady on her feet, Jude finally felt human enough to take a shower. She was in the bathroom, about to step in the tub when she noticed the note taped to the mirror,

_Good morning sleepyhead!_

_Hope you had a great time with Kwest last night!_

_Tommy stayed over (he is downstairs getting changed right now). We had a good time last night, maybe too good – did you see him on the couch? Yeah, he never made it back to his apartment! It was nice, though…I've missed him…_

_Anyway, we are off to the diner for some grease to feed the beast. Ha ha! If you feel up to it, pop by and join us. We would BOTH be pleased to have you there (seriously!). If not, I will see you in an hour or so._

_Love,  
Jamie  
_  
Ha! Join them for breakfast? Not bloody likely!

* * *

Jude was settled back out on the balcony, she'd found that she could think better – and write better outside…plus she'd be able to see Jamie and Tom coming back, and hide if necessary.

She was puzzled, and frustrated – trying to figure Tom out. One minute he was vile, and telling her he couldn't trust her…that he was so sure that she was going to destroy Jamie. The next second he was sleeping on the couch moaning her name…touching her hair.

She couldn't lie to herself anymore, it was too hard. She did care what Tom thought. She cared too much and it was tearing her apart to think he despised her so. Did he really think she was that cold, so hard and wicked that the way he treated her wouldn't matter?

She looked down at her notebook and read what she had just written…at least this was an outlet; at least I can talk to him this way…even if he'll never listen…

Jude grabbed her guitar and began to sing, oblivious to the two figures down on the sidewalk, quickly approaching the building.

She closed her eyes and began to sing with all the emotion she felt.

_I believed I could see a day you would want me, like I want you  
You would need me, like I need you too  
There was a moment I thought time might change your mind  
And there'd be a place there for me in your life_

Jamie stopped as they neared the apartment building, putting a hand on Tom's arm, "Wait. Do you hear that?"

"What?"

"That! Look up there, Jude's on the balcony. Can you hear her?"  
_  
But I can't change the way you don't feel  
And I can't make you see what you're heart won't see  
And I can't make you need what you say you don't need  
I can't change you baby, I can't change the way you don't feel_

"Wow, that's good! I haven't heard that one yet – have you?"

"No, she hasn't sung it in the studio at all."

"Man, it sounds like she's crying, Tom."

They stood on the sidewalk listening…

"Jamie…do you really trust her? Do you know what she did in L.A.?'

"I know what she told me Tommy…"

"Did she tell you about Brian, about his suicide? About Mark and Sarah…and all those horrible things she did?"

"Yeah, she did Tommy. It was really hard for her to admit to all of it, too. It took a while for it all to come out, but she…I can't believe that was her."

"Really?"

"Really. She told me a lot of other stuff too…Tommy. About good things she's done too…things she did while she was gone to try to repair some of the damage."

"She went to visit Brian's family – did you know that? She gave them all the proceeds from her houses…she told me that she knew that it would never make up for what she did, but she wanted to try to help them however she could…she also signed over all the royalties for the songs she stole and told his wife the whole story…she – the wife – kicked Jude out and said some pretty horrible things…but Jude said she deserved it all, deserved every word. They aren't taking legal action, though…they just want to put it all behind them."

"I guess that's lucky for Jude…I didn't know she had done any of that…you know... tried to make amends. Do you really think that she…do you _really_ believe that she's changed – that she is different now?"

"I know it, Tommy."

_And now as I walk away, I won't look back, I won't break down  
What I was living for, I'll have to live without  
There will be moments I'll think how it might have been  
But baby now this is how it must end_

_Cause I can't change the way you don't feel  
And I can't make you see what you're heart won't see  
And I can't make you need what you say you don't need  
I can't change you baby, I can't change the way you don't feel_

"Woah…" Jamie looked at Tommy, seeing the pain in his eyes, "Are you okay, man?"

"Yeah…fine, I'm...fine. Do you…do you think that's about me, Jamie?"

_No, I can't change the way you don't feel  
And I can't make you see what you're heart won't see  
And I can't make you need what you say you don't need  
I can't change you baby  
You're never gonna change are you baby, no I can't change you baby,  
I can't change the way you don't feel_

"I think it is, Tommy."


	33. Chapter 33

**Chapter 33**

Tommy was silent for a moment, studiously examining his shoes. He scuffed at some dried gum on the sidewalk and looked back up at the balcony, at Jude. "Do you….do you have anything you need to do right now? I mean, do you have any plans or anything for today?" Tommy was clearly uncomfortable.

"No, not really."

"Do you want to come up to my place for a bit?"

Jamie understood that Tommy wanted to talk some more, but wasn't quite able to say it out loud. He cautioned himself though, things had been so strained with Jude, and Tommy so close-minded and unyielding about it all that he didn't want to get his hopes up…he didn't want to start anticipating any kind of change least he be disappointed.

"That sounds good, Tommy…I wouldn't mind talking to you a little bit more. Look, I don't want to push it, or pry…but maybe we can talk a little more about Jude – I mean, her song. Is that something we could do?"

"I think I made a mistake, Jamie."

"A mistake? You don't want me to come to your place?"

"No, not that…let's just go up, okay?"

"Yeah, okay. Sure."

Jamie and Tommy rode the elevator in silence. Jamie kept sneaking glances at Tommy, trying to figure out what was going on inside him…but his head was down. Once in Tommy's place, they sat on the couch and Tommy continued to stare down at the floor silently.

"What's going on Tommy? Penny for your thoughts?"

"I'm not so sure my thoughts are worth that…"

---

"I've been a complete ass, haven't I?"

"I wouldn't say a _complete _ass, Tommy. It's been tough on all of us lately…"

"Yeah, but I've made it worse. I don't know – it's like there is some kind of block…in my gut or my heart or something. I just can't see a way out, a way past it."

"It's a weird situation, Tommy. I get that, believe me! …We got to know Jude as Hope and when she turned out to be someone different…someone with a not so great past, it can be hard to merge the two people. Right?"

"Sort of…it's just so…confusing, I guess. You were fine though – when she came back you just…why was it so easy for you?"

"I don't know Tommy. I loved Hope, unconditionally….I just knew in my heart that she, when she became Jude again…that she was still Hope - that never went away for me. It's like with you, Tommy – you can screw up and be a jerk but I never stop caring about you and I never stop believing in you…or loving you. No matter what you do, I know and trust that you are still the good person I know you to be."

"Okay, Jamie…not to take away from what you just said – but do you realize how that sounded?!?!"

"What? Gay!?!? What can I say…I'm in touch with my feminine side…I am secure in my manhood and have no problem expressing my feelings!"

"Yeah, it sounded kind of gay, man. Not that there's anything wrong with that!"

"You're trying to change the subject, Tommy."

"I know, but it was still funny!"

---

"She did some bad things, Jamie...and she left."

"We've all done bad things, Tommy, and Jude left because it was the only thing she thought she could do…she didn't abandon us, she didn't run to hurt us or run to something else. She's not Portia, Tommy."

"I know that! This has nothing to do with that, with Portia."

"Are you sure?"

"It was different, that was different…Portia and I were married and she cheated on me…she deserted me…us, but it really was for the best. It took me a while to figure that out, but in the end she did both of us a favour."

"You forgave her, Tommy. You were able to give_ her_ another chance after she left…"

"It was just different, Jamie. Portia and I were never meant to be…it was already screwed up, you know that. Portia just had the courage to do what I couldn't, I guess. She went about it in a pretty messed up way though…"

"Tommy, level with me…just for a second try to be completely honest with me – and with yourself. Is it different; is everything that is happening with Jude different because of how you felt about her?"

"I don't know what you mean Jamie."

"Yes, you do. You just said that it was _different _with Portia because you two weren't meant to be…am I way off base here? It sounds a lot to me like you are saying that maybe you thought that you and Jude – you and Hope – may have been meant to be…"

---

"I did say that didn't I?"

"Yes…are you finally going to admit it Tommy? Are you finally going to acknowledge what I have known all along? Tommy – you were more messed up after Jude left then after Portia did."

"No…it was…too many people have left me, Jamie…that's all it was."

"Denial. Stop lying to yourself, Tommy. I am your best friend and I haven't done a very good job of calling you on your bullshit lately, so here I am making up for lost time. I call bullshit."

"It's not bullshit, Jamie…it's…no, I'm not denying anything."

"Yes you are – it's all bullshit, Tommy. You are deluding yourself. You know what - I'm going to leave it at that, for now. You aren't ready to admit it yet, are you? That's okay, just don't take too long…don't miss this opportunity."

"Jamie…"

"No, Tommy – you aren't ready to talk about this yet, and I understand that. You need to give her a chance though, Tommy. You need to give Jude another chance at friendship at least. You owe that much to her, and to yourself."

"I don't know Jamie…"

"I do. It is listen to Jamie time – no objections. I told you last night – do you remember? I told you that you already know what you have to do, what you _want_ to do…you just have to man up and do it."

* * *

Jude was amazed at how much better she felt. She had finished playing and sat down again to make a few changes to the song, finding herself more and more eager to play it for Tom and Kwest on Monday.

She was still out on the balcony working when Jamie came home, "Jude! Are you still outside? I need to talk to you!"

"What do you mean _still _outside?"

Jamie poked his head around the balcony door, "I mean are you still out here…I saw you up here from the street."

"Oh….I didn't realize…"

"Yup," Jamie said with a grin, "Smart move, Jude, very smart!"

"What are you talking about Jamie?" Jude frowned, giving Jamie a sideways look, "Is your brain pickled from last night or something?"

"What do you mean, Debbie Downer? I thought it was brilliant! I've got to hand it to you, Jude, I never would have thought of that!"

"Thought of what?!?! Jamie, you don't make any sense!"

"The song! Playing it out here…that was part of some new scheme you've concocted, right? It was perfect! Just perfect!"

Jude cocked her head to one side and sneered at Jamie, "Are you on something? What scheme?"

"You played the song out here so we would hear it, right? So Tommy would hear it?"

"What? No! Tom heard it? What's going on?"

"Tommy and I were walking back from breakfast and we heard you singing…we heard the whole song, Jude."

"Seriously? I didn't know you guys were down there."

"Really? I just thought maybe you…I don't know…planned for us – for him – to hear that song."

"No, I really had no idea you were there. Geeze…I can't believe you both heard that…"

"Are you kidding? It was wonderful, Jude. You know…all by itself, with none of the background crap we both know, this is a really good song…you should be glad we heard it!"

"Thanks, Jamie. At first I was pretty hesitant – it was way too personal, I guess…but after I got it out, and finished it - I actually got excited about sharing it with you… and Tom and Kwest."

"Good, I'm glad to hear that and whether you meant for it or not…it got to Tommy - and got him talking you know, _really _talking. Why didn't you tell him about some of the things you did while you were in L.A. last month…the _good _things you did?"

"Do you really have to ask, Jamie? It seemed pretty obvious that he wouldn't listen, or if he did, he would just make the worst of it. I didn't see the point."

"Maybe you're right, _were _right…" Jamie sat down and picked Jude's notebook up, looking at her song, "Maybe this was what he needed." Jamie said, gesturing towards the book, "There was no way he could have ignored the emotion Jude, or how you sang. There was no mistaking it for just a song."

"I don't know, Jamie...do you really think it can make any kind of difference?"

"I think it already has, Jude." He said with a wink and a sly grin.

* * *

That night, Jude and Jamie were in the kitchen doing dishes from supper when the doorbell rang.

"Jude, would you mind getting that?" Jamie asked, elbows deep in sudsy water.

"Sure thing." Jude closed the door of the dishwasher and walked over to the door. She opened it and was confronted with a huge bouquet of flowers, "Um, hello?"

"Jude? These are for you." said the flowers.

"Tom?"

"Uh no, it's actually super jackass extraordinaire…with a delivery from Tom…"

"Oh, in that case, thank you super jackass extraordinaire, for the kind delivery."

"Can…can I come in?"

"I don't know super jackass extraordinaire, this isn't really my apartment."

"You can stop calling me that anytime…you pay rent here, don't you?"

"Naw, I don't think I will stop – it has a nice ring to it….and yes, Mr. Nosey Super Jackass Extraordinaire, I do pay rent."

"So…."

"So…."

"HEY! JAMIE!"

"WHAT?"

"CAN I COME IN?"

"SORRY, MAN – THAT'S UP TO JUDE, SHE'S CLOSEST TO THE DOOR!"

"GREAT! THANKS!"

"ANYTIME TOMMY, I'M ALWAYS GLAD TO HELP!"

"Um….will you at least take the flowers, Jude?"

"Oh fine, come on in. I'll just put these in some water…" Jude grabbed the flowers and went to the kitchen without waiting to see if Tom would follow her in. She plunked the flowers on the counter and gave Jamie a what-the-heck-is-going-on look.

He raised his eyebrows, "What?"


	34. Chapter 34

**Chapter 34**

"What do you mean _what_? You knew Tom was coming over, didn't you?"

"I had an idea…."

"James Andrews – you tell me what's going on!"

"I don't know Jude…maybe you should talk to Tom and find out."

"Ohhhh, you! Fine then…I need a vase."

"Ummmm…."

* * *

Jude walked back into the living room, back to Tom, and set the flowers down on the coffee table, "These are really beautiful, Tom. Thank you."

"I'm glad you like them, Jude. Uh, nice vase…"

"Yeah, it's all I could find. It's clean at least…I sometimes forget Jamie is a guy; he doesn't have a lot of vases lying around."

"Well, a mayo jar works as well as anything, I guess. Um, Jude…I suppose you are wondering why I'm here…with flowers?"

Jude was still sizing Tom up, trying to decide if she even wanted to know why he was there when Jamie waltzed into the living room putting his coat on, "Sorry to interrupt guys, um…SME just called…they need my, uh, help. I gotta go."

"I didn't hear the phone."

"Oh. Yeah, I had it on vibrate…gotta go!" Jamie said hurriedly as he stepped into his shoes and shut the door behind him.

"That was subtle."

---

"So, yeah…um…I came to apologize Jude."

"Apologize?"

"Yeah…"

---

"So…."

"What? Oh yeah, um, I'm sorry Jude."

"Thanks Tom…uh, what exactly are you apologizing for? There is a pretty long list."

---

"I've been a jackass."

"We've covered that."

"Look, Jude. I'm trying to say I'm sorry here. Geeze…I know things haven't been all that easy for you lately…and…I'm sorry I made it worse."

"Ah….um, thank you Tom."

"I _am_ sorry, okay? I…uh, I'd like us to try to be friends again…I want to give you a second chance."

"Oh really? And what Quincy – oh, sorry - Mr. Super Jackass Extraordinaire, makes you think that _you_ deserve a second chance?!?!"

"STOP IT! Just stop it Jude! You have been so wrapped up in you, so all 'Poor me, Tom doesn't believe I've changed, ohh, woe is me' - have you even stopped for a second to think about things from my end? What I've been going through?"

"You certainly think a lot of yourself! I have not been all wrapped up in you, you arrogant ass! I HAVE thought about how I made others feel – and I've tried to talk to you!"

"No Jude, you tried to rationalize to me…you tried to justify and you talked _at_ me. You didn't talk _to_ me…"

"What planet have you been living on? I _tried_ to talk TO you, I TRIED! You wouldn't let me. You shut me out and you wouldn't listen…you'd made up your mind about everything and that was it!"

"Listen…it's both of us, okay? We're both jackasses, alright?" Sigh… "Jude…when Jamie gave me your book…I was in a bad place…I was messed up, you messed me up."

"I messed you up?"

"Yeah…more than I like to admit. I have to…can I…just listen for a minute, alright?"

"Okay…"

"I heard your song this afternoon…I heard it with Jamie. It was beautiful Jude, and it hurt to hear it. It hurt for me to realize what I have been doing to you…and to myself. When I got to know Hope, I really got to liking her…I felt a connection with her, with her music…I actually enjoyed work again…but then she disappeared. A lot of people have disappeared in my life, Jude…most of them have never come back. I don't know…maybe it was the proverbial straw or something…" Tom's eyes were shining and his voice was low, hesitant, "…but I think I broke a little bit when Hope, when you, disappeared…something in me broke…something that Hope had just started to fix…."

"Tom, I - "

"No, Jude. Please let me finish…Something about Hope…something about you…started to mend what had already broken in me, and it fell apart again when…you…vanished. I just couldn't let it go and I couldn't get past it…When Jamie came by with the book – with your book – it was like the world was playing some horrible joke on me. I read it five times, Jude, just trying to convince myself that I wasn't going crazy…that I wasn't imagining it…and then Jamie told me you were back in Toronto…and I found out all of those things…those horrible things…It was so much easier just to get angry, Jude…and to believe the worst about you," Tom looked up at Jude, they were both openly crying now, "and I'm so sorry I was such a coward."

"Can I talk now?"

"No."

---

"I know now how stupid I was…not to believe you, not to believe _in_ you. Jamie told me everything this morning. He told me all about what you did when you were gone, and what you tried to do…I should have known, I should have understood that you weren't _that_ person anymore…there was no way you could be, not after…not after Hope. I don't know if we can go back. I don't know if we can ever be friends again – but I really want to try, Jude. I miss Hope…I miss _you_ and I hope that you can forgive me someday…I know you asked me to forgive you and I didn't…you asked me not to give up on you and I did…so I don't know if this can be repaired…but…"

"Stop. It's my turn now. I get to talk now….You are an arrogant jerk with crunchy hair and bad dance moves. You are a has-been boy bander with a squinty frown and a god complex. You are also Jamie Andrews' best friend – which is a beautiful, beautiful thing - and an incredible producer, a kind, giving person - deep down… and you are someone who has made an incredible difference in my life…for better or for worse. I am a reformed devil-bitch, I can't hold my alcohol and I have an unhealthy addiction to caffeine. I am stubborn and mean and damaged. ..and sometimes doubt my ability to exist without causing pain…but I also have a heart, Tom, and it broke when you rejected me so completely. I know there is no way I can ever make this all up to you and I am so ridiculously ashamed of what you have told me today. I never once stopped to think that…I never imagined that you went through what you did when I was gone, and when I came back. For that, Tom, and for so many other things…I am sorry."

"Jude, I - "

Jude held up her hand, "No Tom, you got your monologue…now it's my turn. We are taking turns and this is mine. I have the floor… and you are right. We have both been jackasses, but I have been the bigger ass. _You_ are the one that had the courage to come and talk to me today…you have been no coward. I have been the one…the one who was afraid to tell you the whole story about my past, the one who was too scared to take any more chances. I couldn't take the possibility that you would learn the whole truth and still turn away from me. Thanks to you, thanks to your courage today…I understand that the risk was in _not_ telling you everything, the mistake was giving up. It's over now, Tom. No more hiding, no more lying…we don't have to be jerks anymore. We don't have to hurt each other anymore…I want us to try to get back, Tom Quincy, to where we were before I screwed it all up."

---

"Tom, it's your turn now."

It was like a palatable, suffocating cloud had been lifted from the room. All of the tension and anger had suddenly vanished and had been replaced by an almost unsettling calm. Tom looked at Jude and marveled at the change…it was astounding what a difference a few words can make... what taking a chance can accomplish.

Jude breathed deeply and delighted in the new peace she felt. It was so…so liberating to finally have it all out. Her regret, her only regret about this, was the fact that Tom only wanted to be her friend. She had tried so hard to shut it all out and convince herself that she wasn't madly in love with him…but it didn't work…not even a little. She smiled to herself, astonished and slightly embarrassed that with everything that had happened today…with everything that had been said…she was still hurt that he didn't love her back.

"Tom? Please say something…"

"I…I don't know what to say Jude…I feel like I have used up every word I have…this is good though, this is really good Jude. Can we really do this? Can we really get past this and try to be friends again?"

"We can if we both want to, Tom. It's not too late if we don't let it be."

"No, it's not too late." Tom smiled at Jude, the first real, true smile she had seen from him in a long, long time. "I feel like I can breathe again, do you know what I mean?"

"I know exactly what you mean, Tom. We've been really dumb, 'eh?"

"Yeah…I feel pretty bad for Jamie; he's been caught in the middle of this for too long. Man, do you realize that whole knife thing was just to get us talking?!?! Didn't work too well, did it?"

"Well, we did talk….sort of. I can't believe he did that! I never pegged him for the evil mastermind."

"Oh, you'd be surprised at some of the crap he used to pull – that guy isn't normal! Hey! To, uh, celebrate this new turn of events…what do you say we have a little fun?"

"Ohh, Quincy…If you are thinking what I'm thinking…" Jude grinned, "What do you have in mind?"


End file.
